Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat.
The kids were both gone and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite!
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Over the lamp post and don't hit that tree
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub
And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass
His suit was all soaking with perfume galore
"That was some cathouse", he said with a smile.
He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack
The first thing he found was a black leather whip
A box full of condoms were Santa's next find
A bra without nipples, a penis extension
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil
He filled every stocking, and then took his leave
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead
He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair
Bending the lamp post and raking the tree
"I'm comin' home, woman!" he said with a smirk.
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