Quotations from some of the funniest comedians of all time with a bit of wit and wisdom mixed in from some of the worlds greatest thinkers.

"What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."~Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." ~Groucho Marx
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~Woody Allen
"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say." ~Henny Youngman
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" ~Henny Youngman
"I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts." ~Gilbert Gottfried
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." ~ Albert Einstein
"The Internet Has Jumped the Shark" - Andy Borowitz:
"Most people don't have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."~George Burns
"It's amazing the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."~Jerry Seinfeld
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!" ~Henny Youngman
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early." ~Jack Benny
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there." ~Woody Allen
"Polite conversation is rarely either." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh." ~Carl Reiner
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"~Rita Rudner
"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. So when is a good time to hit them? When you're feeling festive?" ~Roseanne Barr
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows." ~Woody Allen
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman
"Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?"~Roseanne Barr
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult." ~Totie Fields
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." ~Mel Brooks
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." ~Groucho Marx
"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone." ~Lenny Bruce
"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~George Burns
"I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish." ~Larry David
"I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face." ~Ben Stiller
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman
"Nothing succeeds like address." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The word 'aerobics' came when gym instructors said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up & Down." ~Rita Rudner
"Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman." ~Larry David
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" ~Woody Allen
"My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!" ~Rodney Dangerfield