ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
ABBOTT Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
COSTELLO Sure, I understand.
ABBOTT Now, don't be too quick to say that.
COSTELLO How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
ABBOTT Precisely.
COSTELLO We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
ABBOTT No, no. Precisely is an English word.
COSTELLO I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
ABBOTT Fine. Let's start with mee.
COSTELLO You.
ABBOTT No, mee.
COSTELLO Fine, we'll start with you.
ABBOTT No, we'll start with mee.
COSTELLO Okay, have it your way.
ABBOTT Now, mee is who.
COSTELLO You is Abbott.
ABBOTT No, no, no. Mee is who.
COSTELLO You is Abbott.
ABBOTT You don't understand.
COSTELLO I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
ABBOTT Yes I did. Mee is who.
COSTELLO You is Abbott.
ABBOTT No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
COSTELLO Well, you're a nice enough guy.
ABBOTT No, no. Tell me about mee!
COSTELLO Who?
ABBOTT Precisely.
COSTELLO Precisely what?
ABBOTT Precisely who.
COSTELLO It's precisely whom!
ABBOTT No, mee is who.
COSTELLO Don't start that again-go on to something else.
ABBOTT All right. Hu is he.
COSTELLO Who is he?
ABBOTT Yes.
COSTELLO I don't know. Who is he?
ABBOTT Sure you do. You just said it.
COSTELLO I just said what?
ABBOTT Hu is he.
COSTELLO Who is he?
ABBOTT Precisely.
COSTELLO Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
ABBOTT No, precisely hee.
COSTELLO Precisely he? Who is he?
ABBOTT Precisely!
COSTELLO And what about me?
ABBOTT Hu.
COSTELLO me, me, me!
ABBOTT Hu, hu, hu!
COSTELLO What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
ABBOTT No, hu is he!
COSTELLO I don't know I maybe he is me!
ABBOTT No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
COSTELLO Do his parents know about this?
ABBOTT About what?
COSTELLO About her!
ABBOTT What about her?
COSTELLO That she is he!
ABBOTT: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
COSTELLO' Then who is he?
ABBOTT Precisely!
COSTELLO Who?
ABBOTT He!
COSTELLO Me?
ABBOTT Hu!
COSTELLO He?
ABBOTT: She!
COSTELLO Who is she?
ABBOTT No, hu is he.
COSTELLO I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
ABBOTT No, that's not right.
COSTELLO How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
ABBOTT Hu.
COSTELLO Who?
ABBOTT Precisely!
COSTELLO Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
ABBOTT No, hee is she!
COSTELLO Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
ABBOTT Go ahead.
COSTELLO Now first You want to know me is who.
ABBOTT Correct.
COSTELLO And then you say who is he.
ABBOTT Absolutely.
COSTELLO And then you tell me he is she.
ABBOTT: Precisely!
COSTELLO Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
ABBOTT Who?
COSTELLO She!
ABBOTT That is he!
COSTELLO Who is he?
ABBOTT & COSTELLO Precisely!
COSTELLO I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
ABBOTT What.
COSTELLO: I said Ma.
ABBOTT What.
COSTELLO: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
ABBOTT What!
COSTELLO Not what, who!
ABBOTT He!
COSTELLO Not he! Ma is not he!
ABBOTT Of course not! Hu is he!
COSTELLO: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
ABBOTT Fish.
COSTELLO: Fish?
ABBOTT Dag is fish.
COSTELLO That's all, I'm outa here.