Shlomoh's Collected Jokes 19

SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.

WINDOWS 10 BROOKLYN Edition

Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies o' da WINDOWS 10 BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands.

Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads:

"WINDAS 10," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.  

Please also note:

Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out."
Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar."
Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses."
Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
Instead of an error message, you a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes.................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a look-see
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need no stinkin' help)
Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................C'mon a-ready.
Settings..........Here's d' Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R."

Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 10:

Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement voysion. Yous got a problem wit dat?

BILL ("4 eyes") GATES

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ............(better start again)

COMMENTS MADE DURING A COLONOSCOPY

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

PUNNY QUESTIONS

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
       Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
       Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
       They Take The Psycho Path.      
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
       You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
       Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
       Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
       A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
       Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
       Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
       Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
       Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
       Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
       A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
       Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
       Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
       Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
       Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
       Sanka.
19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
       Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle OnTheir Hat.
20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
       A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
       A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

DAT PLANE CRASH

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean. The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna wear some hot pink underwear before I get on dat plane."

Why you gonna  wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Because, if dat plane is gonna crash and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field,dey gonna see my butt."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange underwear." "Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked. The second lady answered: "Because if dis here plane is gonna crash and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey gonna see my butt."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any underwear."

"What? No underwear?!" the others said in disbelief.

Dat's right; you heard me. I'm  not wearing any underwear," the third lady said, "because if dis plane crashes, dey always look for dat black box first."

ENGLISH SIGNS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of some signs seen around the world:

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

PHILOSOPHY FROM GEORGE CARLIN

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
21. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
22. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
23. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
24. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
25. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
26. How is it possible to have a civil war?
27. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
28. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
29. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
31. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
32. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
33. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
34. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
35. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
36. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times,does he become disoriented?

HEBONICS

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of  the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question  is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my feet?'"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word  with  "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:  "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress." Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

HORMONE HOSTAGES

Every HUSBAND knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth -- and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow!  Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

INNER PEACE

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

THE LATEST SEDER TRENDS

To learn more about the latest seder trends, the New York Times called upon Fran Lebowitz, the New York writer and popular party guest.

Q. It's a contradiction in terms, but what modern traditions are people introducing to their seders this year?
A. I have no idea.  I've gone to the same family seder for 47 years and I still haven't gotten seated at the adult table yet.  My little cousins have to fight me for the Afikomen.

Q. Interesting new dishes?
A. No.  It's entirely possible that in the early 50's, a very large
brisket was delivered to our family and we're still eating it.  We not only have the same food, we have the same conversation.   I don't go anywhere else for the holidays but to my family.  I went to London for one holiday when I was in my 20's, and now it's mentioned at Passover as a plague.  "The Year Fran Went to London."  That's the one between locusts and blood.

Q.  So you've never heard of  the new symbols, like the orange on the seder plate?
A.  What's that supposed to represent - Florida?

Q.  So nothing changes in your family seder?
A.  My cousins in Israel have different melodies - the wrong ones. They're the cheerier Jews.  All Jewish melodies should be in the mournful key. I mean, if you're going to be cheerful, you might as well be Episcopalian.

Q.  Do you ever have non-Jews at your seder?
A.  Sometimes, but I don't like it because then the seder takes too long. Everyone feels they have to explain.

Q.  So there is nothing liberating for you about the seder?
A.  How freeing can it be to have to get to Poughkeepsie by 6 P.M.?

RUDE VOCABULARY HOMEWORK

My friend, Leroy, had this vocabulary homework assignment. He has to use each word in a sentence. These are his answers.

1. FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillac's, but my woman rectum both.
3. HOTEL: I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.
4. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
5. PENIS: I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. ISRAEL: Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake."  He say, "Bull, that watch israel".
7. CATACOMB: I saw Don King at da fight the other night.  Man, somebody get that catacomb.
8. UNDERMINE: There's a fine lookin' thang living in the apartment undermine.
9. ACOUSTIC: When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the  poolhall.
10. IRAQ: When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
11. STAIN: My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain  for dinner?"
12. SELDOM: My cousin gave me tickets to the nicks game, so I seldom.
13. HONOR: At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?"
14. ODYSSEY: I tol' my brother, "You odyssey the butt on that gal!"
15. AXE: After school today, the police want to axe me some questions.
16. FORTIFY: I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
17. INCOME: I just got in bed wit da ho an' income my wife.

MARTIAN LOVE MAKING

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"  "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."  "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

MEN VS WOMEN

I. Women:

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all  they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

II. Men:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing shit.

NEW DEFINITIONS
Ten English Words That Don't Exist, But Should
 
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
 
2. CARPETUATION (kar' pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
 
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (a lolly?) that you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
 
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
 
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
 
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
 
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
 
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
 
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
 
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

NEW EXPRESSIONS

articipants in a New York Magazine contest were asked to take a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression

RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

VENI, VIDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

COGITO EGGO SUM - I think, therefore I am ... a waffle

QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal

LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI - The king is dead. No kidding

POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old

HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food

QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort

ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know

MAZEL TON - Tons of luck

VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave your chateau without it

CARNE DIEM - Seize the meat

THE NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN

D A M I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschooler unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the  memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till  they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves  flirting.

F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the  urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N: Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,  "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.  Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,anniversary or phone number.

A N T I -T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it  herself.

NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.     

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says,"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, its the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!... But my friends call me 'Bubba'.

WISE SAYINGS FROM MY MOTHER

To APPRECIATE a JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
            
RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
            
LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."
            
FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
            
IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
           
The SCIENCE of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
            
CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
            
STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
            
WEATHER - "It looks like a tornado swept through your room."
           
To SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
            
HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
            
The CIRCLE of LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
            
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
            
ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
            
LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MEDICINE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

To THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
             
TO MEET a CHALLENGE - "What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
             
HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
             
To BECOME an ADULT - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
             
GENETICS - "You are just like your father!"
             
ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
             
WISDOM of AGE - "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
             
ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until your father gets home."
             
RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get home."
             
And the all time favorite thing…
JUSTICE - "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU… Then you'll see what it's like."

THE REAL MEANING OF WORDS

1.  FINE - This is the word used at the end of any argument when someone feels they are right, but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2.  FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour.  Equivalent to the five minutes that any football/hockey or whatever game is going to last.
3.  NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing" usually describes the feeling someone has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.  "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4.  GO AHEAD (with Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows) - This means "I give up.  Do what you want because I don't care."  You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH - Not actually a word of course but often a misunderstood verbal cue.  The "Loud Sigh" means they thinks you're an idiot and wonders why they are wasting their time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH - One of the few sounds that some actually understand.  They are content.  Your best bet is not to move or breathe.  Just stay clear.
8. OH - This word followed by any statement is trouble. E.G. - "Oh, let me get that", which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to their particular standard.  Or "Oh, I already....", which means your the cover on your secret has inadvertently been blown.  Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to them about what you did last night."

GOD WELCOMES SEYMOUR

Seymour Schwartz was a good and deeply religious man. When Seymour passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates.

"Hungry, Seymour?" asked God. "I could eat," Seymour replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of fresh rye bread and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and many fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Seymour remained silent.

The next day God again invited Seymour to join Him for a meal. Again, they ate tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Seymour could see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Seymour said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. Meekly, he said: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, whereas in that Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, God, but I just don't understand."

God sighed and replied, "Let's be honest, Seymour. For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE EXCUSE MY CHILD FOR MISSING SCHOOL.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
 
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
 
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
 
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,  her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

SYRIAN PILOT NEEDS HELP

A captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean sends out a MAY DAY message, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

No answer.

A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the MiddleEast OTHER than Israel!"

Silence.

A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian AirForce # 174. We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines and urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

Still no answer.

Finally the captain calls out, "Help! This is Talliban Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!"

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:"Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help."

"Allah be praised", says the Syrian pilot. "Please give me instructions."

"Do you speak Aramaic?"

No?

"Then repeat after me: "YITGADAL VE' YITKADASH ..."

THE JEWISH PSYCHIATRIST

A Jewish man goes to his Jewish psychiatrist and tells him the following:
"Doctor, I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that you were my mother! And you can imagine, I found this  very disturbing. I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. When morning came, I got up and had breakfast."
"What did you have for breakfast", asked the psychiatrist.
"I had a coke and a doughnut."
The psychiatrist responded, "a coke and a doughnut? You call that breakfast?"?

THE WAILING WALL

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.
I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man  replies, "Like I'm talking to a wall."

DEEP  THOUGHTS

1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
9. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

10. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

What IS PMS?

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
~ Pass My Shotgun
~ Psychotic Mood Shift
~ Perpetual Munching Spree
~ Puffy Mid-Section
~ People Make Me Sick
~ Provide Me with Sweets
~ Pardon My Sobbing
~ Pass My Sweatpants
~ Plainly; Men Stink
~ Pack My Stuff
~ Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a lightbulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!
They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the same cupboard for the past 17 years!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 days later, the chair they dragged to stand on to change light bulb would still be in the same spot!
And underneath it would be the wrapper the stupid light bulbs came in!
Why? Because no one ever carries out the garbage! It's a wonder we haven't all suffocated from the piles of garbage that are 12' deep throughout the entire house. It would take an army to clean this house!
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

THOUGHTS FOR FEMALES TO PONDER

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free - then you either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" ! Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.