Shlomoh's Collected Jokes 20



Q: Why don't Italians have freckles?
A: Because they slide right off.
Q: What's a sure-fire way to know you are Italian?
A: You are 5'4", can bench 350 lbs, and you still cry when your mother scolds you.
Q: What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pockets? A: Mute.
Q: A couple ways to know you're an Italian in the 21st century:
A: You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
Q: How do you know if you're Italian?
A: You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
Q: What does FIAT stand for?
A: Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.
Q: What's an innuendo?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: What do you call a pimple on an Italian?
A: A grease fitting.
Q: How do you brainwash an Italian?
A: Give him an enema.
Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
Q: What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?
A: Sicily.
Q: How do you impress an Italian man?
A: Show up naked, Bring Beer

Q: What did the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna say? A: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"

These jokes originally at


Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite? A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
Q: Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is? A: The man get's to see a striptease every night.
Q: How does every Islamic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire? A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.
Q: What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden?
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A: Mike Tyson can take a shot to the head.
Q: How does a Muslim close the door? A: Islams it.
Q: Did you hear about the Catholic Iraqi? A: He was a Shite Muslim.
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Middle Eastern beauty contest? A: Me neither.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim? A: Mohammered.
Q: What do you call an evil Muslim? A: Mu Ha Ha Ha Med.
Q: How did you get out of Iraq? A: Iran
Q: What do you call a Muslim on a toilet? A: Islamic Relief.
Q: What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East? A: Dora the Exploder!
Q: What did the Muslim train conductor say? A: Allah board.
Q: A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar. A: The bartender says hello Mr. President.
Q: Why are they clueless in Saudi Arabia? A: Cause they live under Iraq.
Q: "What do you call a Muslim shrink? A: A terrorpist."
Q: What is Al Qaida now learning after Osama Bin Laden's death? A: Don't put your contact info on the Playstation Network!
Q: Why doesn't Gaddafi go out drinking? A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
Q: What do you call a Muslim who loves to shop? A: Abaya.
Q: Why does Iraq smell so bad? A: Because they have alot of gas.
Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper? A: youseen memuff
Q: What do Muslim men do during foreplay? A: Tickle the goat under the chin.
Q: How do you get an Arabian prince to fall in love with you? A: With a raspberry beret.
Q: What do you call a Muslim taking a bath? A: Ali Lujah!
Q: What did Danielle Bregoli say about the Syrian civil war? A: Cash Me Assad How Bou Dat.
Q: What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion? A: Anything you want she's already been stoned to death.
Q: What do you call a Muslim alcoholic? A: Allah Vabeer
Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East? A: a Selfie!
Q: What does a Fat Muslim radical yell? A: Allahu Snack Bar.
Q: Where do Afgans keep there CD's? A: In airaq (a rack).
Q: Why did the radical Muslim go to the airport and blow himself up? A: He wanted to go everywhere.
Q: What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas? A: A quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of Marlboros please.
Q: Did you hear about the Muslim party? A: It was a blast.
Q. What can the Palestinians do to raise the average IQ in the West Bank? A. Allow Jews to come in.
Q: What do you call a bad Muslim eye doctor? A: Asif Eyecare
Q: What do you call a bad Lebanese oncologist? A: Big Fata Liar.
Q: What do bowlers, Thanksgiving guests, and Syrian refugees all have in common? A: They all want Turkey.
Q: What's a Muslim's favourite coffee? A: A small skinny flat white.
Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system? A: A refund.
Q: What did the suicide bombers mom say? A: "My Allah! They blow up so fast..."
Q: What do you call a muslim Elvis impersonator? A: Amal Shookup
Q: What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband? A: O'Pressive.
Q: Why do cows like the Middle East? A: Because everyone is Moooslim.
Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan? A: Because there is a target on every corner.
Q: What did the warning label on the suicide bombers vest say? A: In case of Jews, pull cord tightly!
Q: What do you call a building full of Taliban? A: Jail
Q: How can you tell when you're playing against a radicalized Muslim Quarterback? A: When he goes under center to call signals and yells out "Kill Kill Kill...B-52 B-52...Ji-hut!"
Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a Islamic extremist? A: A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.
Q: What do you call a Muslim looking for a toilet? A: Mustapha Shiite
Q: What do you call an unemployed Muslim? A: Bin Laidoff.
Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman? A: Protestant woman get stoned before they commit adultery.
Q: What do you call a hot Muslim girl? A: G-hottie!
Q: What do you get when you cross American culture & Islam? A: Hijabsters.
Q: Why do Muslim extremists pray with their asses up in the air? A: They want to make it easier for Western troops to kick!
Q: What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism? A: No more jokes about the profit.
I went to a Muslim birthday party last night. Damn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!
The amount of joking about Islam should be like the amount of salt in one's food.
Ramadan, putting the slim, back into Muslim.
My friend once went to a strip club in Abu Dhabi and got thrown out after saying: "Show us your face".
Santa Claus is the only bearded man who can fly over the United States without a problem.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a Persian.
I try not to tell religious jokes to Muslims any more: half of them are crazy, and the ones with Uzis simply don't get the joke.
Knock Knock Who's There? Ahmed Ahmed who? Ahmed the payphone trying to call home. All of my change I spent on you.
Knock knock! Whos There? Amal! Amal Who? I'm in love, Amal shook up
Knock knock! Whos There? Allah! Allah who? Allah these stars will guide us home.
Two Boys A Catholic boy and an Islamic boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Allah." The Islamic boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
I'm Gonna Jump In Mumbai, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Hindu cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna" Man replies "Who is that?"
Cop yells "Jump, Muslim! You're blocking traffic!"
Mullah A friend asked the mulla how old are you? Forty replied the mullah. The friend said but you said the samething two years ago! Yes replied the mullah, I always stand by what I have said.
Central Park A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" ? the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" ? says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
Phone Call Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi.
So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and
the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA.
LASTLY an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent.
Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them "The Iraqi call was a local call whereas your was an International call"

Here are  few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

These jokes originally at


Taoism -  Shit happens.
Buddhism -  If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam - If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism - Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism - This shit happened before.
Catholicism - Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism - Send more shit.
Jehova's Witness - Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism - There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science - Shit happens in your mind.
Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit.
Atheism - No shit.
Agnosticism - Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism - What is shit anyway?
Stoicism  - This shit doesn't bother me.


Mark 12:20-24 Now there were seven brethren: and the first took a wife, and dying left no seed. And the second took her, and died, neither left he any seed: and the third likewise. And the seven had her, and left no seed: last of all the woman died also. In the resurrection therefore, when they shall rise, whose wife shall she be of them? for the seven had her to wife.

And Jesus answering said unto them, Do ye not therefore err, because ye know not the scriptures, neither the power of God? In the ressurrection they will be together at last.

The Sadducees said who? all seven and the woman?

Jesus said, No, HER LEGS.


"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too!"

I said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."


If you aren't an idiot, you do a good job imitating one.

You are deservedly starved for attention.

Even sheep won't have sex with you.

I see you're lost in thought. Yeah, it's unfamiliar territory, right?

Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.

I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.

At your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.

I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief and a cheat.

If you don't want to give people a bad name you will have your children illegitimately.

You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

I'm very carefull of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

Don`t you need a license to be that ugly?

Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

If I told that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?

Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?

You are the answer to my prayer. I prayed to find out if things could get worse.

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!

You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!

You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.

My business partner died this morning and I need someone to replace him. I'll arrange it with the undertaker.

Hey I remember you when you had only one stomach.

You remind me of Moses. Every tiem you open your mouth, the bull rushes.

You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed so he had you thrown out of his office.

Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

Is your name Dan Druff/ You get into people's hair.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and said "Oh yes he is".

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.

Don`t get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.

This is no duel of wits between you and me. I never challenge on an unarmed man.

Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

I don't think you are a schmuck. But then what's MY opinion against millions of others?

People tell me that you are the perfect idiot. I tell them you are not perfect but you are doing alright.

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree but that is your natural voice.

When you get to the men`s room you will see a sign that says "Gentlemen". Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

I'm not worried about your shortcomings. It's your long stayings that's worrying me.

We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

When you het home, look through your towels and let me  know the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.

The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!

You must be the arithmetic man - you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

You started at the bottom - and its been downhill ever since.

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

Keep talking. I will yawn when I'm interested.

Whatever is eating you - must be suffering horribly.

Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

You have an inferiority complex - and its fully justified.

You are not as bad as people say - you are worse!

Must you leave so soon? I was just about to poison the alcohol.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?

Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.

Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.

If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

What's the latest dope - besides you?

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.

I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now Ihave a much lower opinion of you.

You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I like your approach. Now I wanna see your departure.

Try editing your heckling before you attempt to impress us with your bold insights. The audience can wait. Evidence that you are am idiot will still be available to us, but we'll be able to access it faster.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I can't believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed.  Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about un important trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh

The only thing worse than your behavior are your manners. Your pittifull attempt at constructing a creative heckle is pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to think, you will have more success heckling. Thinking is a rudimentary skill that we "normal" people take for granted. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find ot more difficult. You know, responding to your heckling i sn't right. It's like parking in a handicapped space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are, without doubt, hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally a pain in the ass. <breathe> I thank you!

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