Good evening ladies and gentlemen. This debate is being brought to you courtesy of the Roman Broadcasting System. Tonight, we are going to hear a debate between two prisoners of the Roman Empire. The moderator will be Pontius Pilate, Governor of Judea. On my left. is Jesus from Nazareth, an alleged wonderworking preacher from Galilee who some people say is the Messiah. On my right is Jesus Barabbas, a well known political activist and Zealot assassin who has killed many Romans, particularly soldiers, in local insurrections. Each participant in the debate will be allowed unlimited time to present his argument as to why he should be set free. And then we will ask the audience to choose one of them to go free. The other one to be executed for treason against the Roman Empire. Gentlemen, you may begin.

Jesus Nazarene: Let me just say this. I have never caused trouble to anybody here, either Jewish or Roman. My whole job is to teach my people how to behave in the best ethical and religious way. On the other hand, my opponent is a well known murderer. Oh, he doesn't call himself that. He says he is a political assassin dnd Freedom Fighter, trying to free our people from the Roman Empire. But a killer is a killer, and everybody knows that Barabbas is a killer.

Jesus Barabbas: Oh, listen to him, Mr. Nice guy. What has he ever done for our people? He says it's okay to pay tax to the Romans. I say that, as a Jewish person, he's a traitor to us. And then he shows off by walking on water just to show how great he is.

Jesus Nazarene: Look, all I'm doing is trying to teach people to be good and to respect everybody, Jew or Gentile, and not cause any problems. And yet, every once in a while, I do walk on water. I do feed thousands of people with a couple of fish and some bread. Occasionally I'll turn water into wine. But I just do all of that to show people that they should still believe in miracles.

Jesus Barabbas: No, you do all that because you're a big show off. And he's not even respectful to his own family. Yeah, his mother did ask him to please turn water into wine. And he spoke to her like she's some no-account white trash. And to top that, when his family tries to see him, he says, Nah, You ain't my family. These people here who worship me, they're my real family.

Jesus Nazarene: Well, what do you expect? My family says that I'm beside myself. Do you know what that means, mister? It means they think I'm crazy. Well, I'm not crazy enough to kill people like you do. In fact, I bring people back to life.

Jesus Barabbas: Well, you gotta be crazy telling people that you're the son of God. Believe me, folks. If I was God and I had to pick a son, it wouldn't be this joker. Oh, and another thing. He does raise people from the dead. Yeah, but you know who he raises? His buddy, Lazarus. One of his best friends. He's real friendly with Lazarus's family. Why wouldn't he raise him from the dead? That whole thing stinks. But I ask you, really. Has he ever done anything to help our people get out from under the Romans? The only thing he ever killed was a fig tree. What a joke.

Jesus Nazarene: All I do is tell people not to hate their enemies. I tell them to be kindly toward their enemies and to forgive their enemies.

Jesus Barabbas: Oh! Liar! Liar! Robe on fire! You tell people to forgive their enemies like you forgive our rabbis, the scribes and the Pharisees? Just look at the way you talk about our rabbis in Matthew 23.

Jesus Nazarene: What's Matthew? 23?

Jesus Barabbas: Oh, just a chapter from some trashy book that some fool will write long after you're dead.

Jesus Nazarene: How do you know that?

Jesus Barabbas: Because maybe I can see into the future Hey, maybe I'm the real son of God. This Benedict Arnold actually called Jews who believe in him sons of the devil.

Pilate: Excuse me! Who is this Benedict Arnold? Is he a friend of Herod?

Jesus Barabbas: No! he hasn't even been born yet. I told you that I can see into the future. That's how I know I'm going to win this debate. Arnold will be a war-time traitor like this pretender.

Jesus Nazarene: What makes you so sure I bad-mouth rabbis?

Jesus Barabbas: Matthew says so in his book.

Jesus Nazarene: Again, with that Matthew. A guy that doesn't even exist.

Jesus Barabbas: You know, Pilate? There was one of you people who asked him to help her daughter recover from a sickness. And what does he say to that woman? He says, You're a dog, and I should only feed the children of the king, not the dogs. Get it? He's calling you people - GOYIM dogs.

Jesus Nazarene: I shouldn't have said that to her.

Jesus Barabbas: Lot's of things this asshole shouldn'ta said.

Pilate: Hold on, Mr Barabbas. There's no cursing here. Children are watching.

Jesus Barabbas: Oh Mr Governor. I'm sure these kids have heard that word and worse.

Pilate: We don't know what they have heard. So keep it PG.

Jesus Barabbas: Pilate. Didn't he say to you, "My kingdom is not of this world. If My kingdom were of this world, My servants would fight so that I should not be delivered to the Jews; but now My kingdom is not from here."  What the hell? What does he mean delivered to the Jews? Isn't he a Jew? This schmuck doesn't even know who he is.

Pilate: I told you no cursing, even in another language. If you do it one more time, I'll have a centurion rip out your tongue.

Jesus Nazarene: Well, the fact remains that he's still a murderer.

Pilate: OK. OK. We've heard enough. Now folks, it's time for you to cast a vote. Just go on Twitter and tell us either - I'm going to vote for this Barabbas guy, or I vote for this Nazarene guy. We'll let you know the results by tonight. May the best man win and I feel for the other guy. But you know what? I wash my hands of this whole travesty.