OH NO! DON'T SAY "HAPPY HOLIDAYS"

Last week I walked into Krogers on Navarre Avenue in the holy city of Oregon. Seeing the Salvation Army at the doorway, I decided to do the "christian" thing and drop a dollar in the PUSHKE.

No sooner do I lay down the george, than the SA lady thanks me and admonishes me to say MERRY CHRISTMAS, not HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

"What's wrong with HAPPY HOLIDAYS", I stupidly ask, imagining that ALL of America is like me, a pinko, commie, beatnik, hippie, dirty fellow traveler, homo, lezbo, jew, radical, politically effete, liberal - who thinks that religious ecumenism equals good will.

But no. She explains that "they" won't let you say MERRY CHRISTMAS. "They" insist that you have to say HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

Naively I ask, "Pardon me. Who is THEY?"

Well, she explains, It's the store management. Krogers is telling their help NEVER to say MERRY CHRISTMAS. Say HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

Now I have to tell you. I am not used to this shit. I come from Jew York City where people take it for granted that Xtian triumphalism sucks. Ok ok. As a minority individual I realise that I belong to a minority group and that Christianity is the dominant religious culture [so far]. But really, doesn't this benighted female know that she is being ungracious and mean-spirited? No? Ok. I got it. It's the midwest. It's not Jew York. It's a place where at Sonya's son's high school graduation., the valedictorian gives a speech in which she asks everyone present to prayerfully acknowledge brother J. OK. What can I do? I

In Jew York, they'd stone the valedictorian. Maybe they'd stone the sweet midwestern Salvation Army lady too. I don't know. What do I care? OK. I will say Merry Christmas to the goyim and happy CHANUKA to the Jewim, and ok, HAPPY KWANZA to the blackim, because I know I am in America, and back in the Bronx, we all knew this is America and you respect EVERYONE's holidays and traditions. But now we are in a WAR ON CHRISTMAS [chas ve'shalom] and I don't want to be on the side of Satan and all his SHEDIM.

So I tell the SA lady, Listen I like HAPPY HOLIDAYS because you people are not the ONLY human beings to walk God's green earth. Remember, your tradition is not the ONLY one around. So I will say HAPPY HOLIDAYS to them who understand, and to you I say, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

So she says MERRY CHRISTMAS to me.

And I say, Thank you, sister, but do you know you are saying MERRY CHRISTMAS to a Jew?

All of a sudden you can hear a pin drop. I can't exactly describe the look on her face. Is it disbelief or merely horror?

Are you a Jew? It's almost an indictment - like - what the phuck is a Jew doing in the middle of Oregon, Ohio, and not even wearing his horns?

Yes I am, I kindly respond, looking around to make sure no one is wearing a sheet with a hood. But ... but, I stammer; It's ok. I still like Jesus.

Oh yes!, she exclaims. I LOVE Jesus!

Well, I explain, that's the difference between you and me. You love him. I like him. He was a hell of nice Jewish boy.

She nods in agreement - simply because she has never encountered anyone like me before, Jew or gentile. It's just my charming way.

And, I add. He was a carpenter! Imagine. A Jewish carpenter. I thought only gentiles knew how to use a hammer and a ratchet wrench [whatever that is]. You know, I say, nowadays, when a Jew needs carpentry work done, he HIRES a carpenter.

Oh, she says and smiles.

As I leave, I say, HAPPY - uh -MERRY CHRISTMAS.

To you too, she says.

And I enter Kroger and think to myself, "God bless us all, each and every one".

Beats the hell out of humbug!