HOW THE JEWS STARTED EATING CHINESE ON CHRISTMAS
Once there was an old Jew and an old Chinaman, sitting around talking.
So the old Jew told the following story which is the actual true history of the Jewish MINHAG [Tradition] of eating Chinese on Christmas.
First, of all, he began, there was the first 200 years of the first thousand years. During that time, the Jews were trying to decide if theyeven wanted to be Jews. Some like Isaac and Jacob said yeah, sure we want to be Jewish. Some like Ishmael and Esau said, nah, we don't need tobe Jews. But most of them said, yes, we want to be Jewish.
Once that decision was made, they started arguing about what kind of Jews they wanted to be be, Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform. Just thenan angel came down and said, You people want to know what kind of Jews to be? I'll tell you. For the next 400 years, you will be slave Jews!Well, that took care of the first 600 years with Jews not worrying about what to eat at any time, much less Christmas - which, by the way,hadnt yet even been invented. The Egyptians just threw them some stale matsa and horseradish,, and said - eat and shut up - we need this pyramidfinished before Pharaoh comes back from his weekend of whoring in Babylon.
So that left just 400 more years to worry about. The old Jew scratched himself and continued.
Well Moses goes up Mt Sinai and HASHEM gives him 614 commandments. He is looking at the commandments and says, Lord, I kinda get the first 613and even though I can't yet figure out why we cant wear wool-cotton clothes or why we can't eat lobster, sooner or later I think I will figure it all out. But this last one, YOU SHALL NOT EAT THE FOOD OF THE CHINESE! - I don't get it. Who are the Chinese and what foods do they eat?
So Moses came down off the mountain and said to the Jews, Folks, we got 614 commandments from HASHEM. Look 'em over and tell me what you think.
So the Jews looked them over and said to Moses, Holy Moses! we kinda get the first 613 and even though we can't yet figure out why we cant wear wool-cotton clothes or why we can't eat lobster, sooner or later I think I will figure it all out. But this last one, YOU SHALL NOT EAT THE FOOD OF THE CHINESE! - I don't get it. Who are the Chinese and what foods do they eat?
You got me, said Moses. Then he told the Jews, Hey, I got an idea. Let's write down the first 613, and this last one about the Chinese food, let'sjust keep it oral till we figure it out. So that's how the TALMUD began with that first oral commandment.
Anyway, time passed and the scroll with the commandments got lost and the Jews completely forgot about the commandments. Then one day, some priestsare going through the Temple and they find a wall that they never noticed before. They rap on the wall and the whole thing falls down and guess what?There, behind the wall, the scroll with the 613 commandments is laying on top of a table. The priests take the scroll and show it to the king. Helooks at it and says, Holy Moses, this is stuff we were supposed to be doing for the last 400 years. Ok, let's start doing these 613 things right away. And so they did.
When it was almost the end of the first thousand years, Christ was born. But little did anyone know that on that snowy December day, the first Chinaman
was also born. Who knew?
So one day, when Christ grew up, he said to the Jews, Hey guys, guess what. I am gonna give you people a pass. You don't have to follow the commandments
anymore. I am gonna free you from that. They said, wait a minute, we like doing the commandments but you know what? Instead of giving up all of them, we
will give up one one of them. Which one is that, asked Christ? They said, it's an old oral one that says we can't eat Chinese food.
Oh, said Christ, you mean the one that says you can't eat Chinese food on Christmas? They said, WHAT? Who said anything about Christmas? He said, yes, that's
what it means. You sall not eat it on Christmas.
The Jews said, Isn't Christmas your birthday? He said, yes it is - but in case you don't know it, it's also the birth of the Chinamen so soon they will be
coming up with all kinds of TREYF stuff.
They said, Cool, just to honor you on your birthday, because you are so nice, we will eat Chinese on your day.
Christ said, Will you people also go to the movies on my day?
The Jews said, What the phuck is the movies?
Christ said, Never mind! Happy holiday.
So it is written. So it shall be done!
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