THE SARDONIC SENIOR says: She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is easy. I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand. Common sense is like deodorant: the people who need it the most never use it. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there. It's not my age that bothers me, it's the side effects. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation. Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore.. I'm not going to let you hurt me again." My Trainer: "It was one sit-up." As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, billions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas. God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the earth round... and laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. My mind is like an internet browser: at least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling. Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response. Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you're still a dumbass. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get to a certain age, you stop being polite and start being honest. Lockdown can only go 4-ways. You'll come out a monk, a hunk, a chunk, or a drunk. Choose wisely. In my mind, I am still 29, but my back is 54, my knee is 63, and my right hip turns 76 next week! BRAIN AT 3AM: I can see you're trying to sleep, so I would like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years! IT'S WEIRD BEING THE SAME AGE AS OLD PEOPLE. I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind. THE MOST EXPENSIVE VEHICLE TO OPERATE, BY FAR. IS THE COSTCO SHOPPING CART. EGGS ARE FANTASTIC FOR A FITNESS DIET. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE, JUST ADD COCOA, FLOUR, SUGAR, BUTTER, BAKING POWDER AND COOK AT 180 FOR 30 MINUTES, ENOUGH TO PUT SOME POTATO CHIPS IN IT AS WELL. Thought it was my dryer that was making my clothes shrink. Turns out it's the refrigerator. Things that used to hurt my back: -Jumping off of garages, crashing my bike, falling out of a tree, diving in the shallow end, contact sports. Things that hurt my back now: -Sneezing, washing the dishes, brushing my teeth, tying my shoes, rolling over in bed.