PIRANHA 3DA review by Shlomoh Sherman
Sunday, Setember 5, 2010
Director: Alexandre Aja
Plot: After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents.
Piranha 3D - it aint Jaws and it aint even 3D!!!
When Cindy and I got to the theater, I wanted to see The American and Cindy wanted to see Piranha. OK, Piranha was starting first so I said let's go see that and then we'll see The American later.
So we went in and paid for the stupid 3D glasses and watched Piranha. Let me tell you something before you decide to thorw away your money. It is so campy and not to be taken seriously that it's pointless to see it.
To begin with, it is very bloody but the gore is in such bad taste that it loses its impact. Jaws was much more tastefully done and the thing about Jaws is that you really cared about the people who are being eaten by the shark. In Pirahna, you don't give one damn about the obnoxious teenagers and young adults hanging out at the beach, indulging thenseves in egocentric eroticism that doesn't even get you hot when you watch it. In fact, their insensitive and selfish behavior make you cheer for the poor misunderstood fish with teeth. After all, as one of the characrters explains, these are only baby piranhas. They don't know any better because their parents haven't been around to teach them manners.
In contrast, you wonder where were the parents of the teenagers who have no manners at all? Even the young hero of the movie is a pathetic schmuck who puts his younger siblings in danger by leaving alone when he promised his mother he would watch out for them.
As to the 3D, where was it????? You expect that a movie like this is going to have all kinds of things jumping out off the screen at the audience. No such luck. Through most of the movie I forgot that it is supposed to be 3D. Even wearing those goofy glasses, everything looked flat.
Jerry O'Connell, the fat boy from STAND BY ME who is married to Rebecca Roamaine, is supposed to be in the picture. I don't know who or where he was! Who was he?
Dreyfuss actually whored himself to appear in this movie. He must have thought he was doing a remake of Jaws and for that he got punished by being killed in the very first scene.
Christopher Lloyd has managed to piss me off in movie after movie with his ridiculous overacting. Since BACK TO THE FUTURE, where he was at least good, he seems to have lost his acting touch.
Ving Rhames and Elisabeth Shue are always fun to watch but here they seem to be telling the audience that they are bored and can't wait for the movie to end.
When an underwater earthquake opens a chasm to a lake under a lake, prehistoric fish rise to the occaision to eat young people who all look nothing like the people I went to High School with, and that includes the High School of Performing Arts - which had some pretty hot looking people. But they were NORMAL hot looking, not PORN hot looking. I guess the fish just took a look at them and wanted to have a snuff orgy.
The movie makers even had the amazing CHUTSPAH to show a fish eating someone's penis - which Cindy reminds me was too big for it's owner.
I won't bore you with other details. You can waste your own money going to this blood fest just the way I did mine. But aat least I got to sneak into two other films and enjoyed at least one. Note, I called the other presentations "films". I won't sully my keyboard by refering to Piranha as a "film". It's just a "movie" and a shitty one at that.
Cast (Cast overview, first billed only)
Richard Dreyfuss ... Matt Boyd
Ving Rhames ... Deputy Fallon
Elisabeth Shue ... Julie Forester
Christopher Lloyd ... Mr. Goodman
Eli Roth ... Wet T-Shirt Host
Jerry O'Connell ... Derrick Jones
Steven R. McQueen ... Jake Forester
Jessica Szohr ... Kelly
Kelly Brook ... Danni
Riley Steele ... Crystal
Adam Scott ... Novak
Ricardo Chavira ... Sam
Dina Meyer ... Paula
Paul Scheer ... Andrew
Brooklynn Proulx ... Laura Forester
Runtime: 88 minutes
Rated R for sequences of strong bloody horror, violence,gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language, and some drug use.
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