A ventriloquist is walking across the dessert. He's hungy and tired, and he sees that night is coming soon and he's worried about where he's going to sleep and eat. All of a sudden he comes across anIndian in the desert. The Indian is making camp and sitting down any cooking dinner. He also notices that the Indian has ia dog, a horse, and a sheep.
The ventriloquist asks the Indian, Excuse me. Indian. Can I stay here and have dinner with you and sleep here? The Indian is agreeable says he can stay and eat and sleep there.
After dinner, the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the Indian.
He says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your dog?
The Indian says, Ugh! Dog not talk.
The ventriloquist says, Sure the dog can talk. Look here. Hey dog. You like living with the Indian? He treat you good?
The ventriloquist throws his voice and has the dog say, Oh the Indian is top-notch. He's great! He treats me all right. He plays with me and gives me bones to chew on. I like the Indian.
The Indian says, Ugh. Me not know dog talk.
Later, the ventriloquist says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your horse?
The Indian says, Ugh! Horse not talk.
The ventriloquist says, Sure the horse can talk. Look here. Hey horse. You like living with the Indian? He treat you good?
The ventriloquist throws his voice and has the horse say, Oh the Indian is great. He feeds me oats and got me a nice blanket. I like the Indian.
The Indian says, Ugh. Me not know horse talk.
Later, the ventriloquist says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your sheep?
The Indian yells out, Sheep lie!
[My friend, Dr Barry, has his own version of this joke] - Click HERE
SHIPWRECK
Question: Hilary and Obama were in a rowboat and it sunk. The question is who was saved?
Answer: America!
"I went to a Chinese psychiatrist. An hour later,I was crazy again"
- Gilbert Gottfried.
ABOUT YOUR DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. In an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
SIX MORE WEEKS
A gay guy goes to the Doctor for his physical. After the exam the Doctor comes in and say's, "You've got six weeks to live."
The gay guy asks, "How do you know this?"
The Doctor tells him, "During the exam a hamster crawled out of your ass, saw his shadow, and went back in."
PROOFREADING IS A DYING ART, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?
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Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter A talented killer, to say the least!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide |
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is.... |
THE RABBI'S WIDOW AND THE BUTCHER
A Rabbi died and his widow was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.
The town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.
The poor widow was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no real formal education.
However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the Mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities.
Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."
So they did.
She lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."
So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, it's good to have sex."
So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex."
So they did.
On Sunday, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
WHAT RELIGION IS THAT ANIMAL?
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his dog for company. One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for de poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon replied, "I'll go right away Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Mother of Jesus! Why din't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"
THREE COUPLES
Three couples died in an auto accident. One couple was Irish, one Jewish, one Greek.
The couples were sitting in the waiting room, waiting to be interviewed by the Admitting Angel. The door was open so they could hear the interview going on.
The Angel yelled "NEXT!"
The Irish couple walked in. The Angel looked at them and said, "Oh Irish. I hate Irish. What did you do in life that you think you deserve to be admitted?"
The couple said, "Nothing, We just hope for mercy."
The Angel said to the husband, "What's your wife's name?"
He said, "Brandy."
The Angel said, "Brandy? You mean like the alcohol drink? All you people ever think of is drinking. Get outta here!"
The Angel yelled "NEXT!"
The Jewish couple walked in. The Angel looked at them and said, "Oh Jews. I hate Jews. What did you do in life that you think you deserve to be admitted?"
The couple said, "Nothing, We just hope for mercy."
The Angel said to the husband, "What's your wife's name?"
He said, "Penny."
The Angel said, "Penny? You mean like the coin? All you people ever think of is money. Get outta here!"
The Greek couple in the waiting room had heard it all.
The Greek husband turned to his wife and said, "I guess we don't stand a chance, Fanny!"
THE JEW AND THE CHINAMAN
An old Jew and an old Chinaman were sitting around, talking about the merits of their respective ethnic groups.
The old Chinaman said, "Our culture very old. Our history go back 4000 year."
The old Jew said, "Our culture is very old too. Our history goes back 5000 years."
The Chinaman said, "5000 year? Let me ask you something. What you people do for dinner Sunday night first thousand year?"
JEWISH LIMERICKS
There was a horny CHASID just chillin'.
He would SHTUP any woman who was willin'.
Yet throughout her whole life
his nearsighted wife
thought he was only layin' TEPHILLIN.
A gentile lady was sleeping with a YID.
She got excited by whatever they did.
But when it came to a service
She always got nervous
Because she only knew Hebrew a SHMID.
THE LUCKY DOG
Two Jews walk into a bar.
The first Jew looks at the floor of the bar and sees a German Shepherd lying there, licking his own dick. He taps the second Jew on the arm and points down to the dog.
The second Jew looks down and says, "Ho boy! I sure vish I could do dat!"
The bartender says, "No you don't. He bites!"
SURE IS DEAD
A couple of Rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
Panic-stricken, he says to the operator, "I think Zeke is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot rings out.
The Redneck comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
HELLO STRANGER
Joe steps into a public mens room and enters a stall. All of a sudden, someone in the next stall is talking.
Stranger: Hey, how's it going?
Joe: (embarrased) Umm, not too bad, you?
Stranger: Not too bad, what have you been up to?
Joe: Well, just going to see some family.
Stranger: Listen, would it be okay if I came to your house on Wednesday?
Joe: (nervous) Uhh, well actually I'm in the process of moving.
Stranger: Listen Mike I gotta call you back. Some schmuck in the next stall keeps answering all my questons.
TURN ABOUT IS FAIR PLAY
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bras."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
COMMENTS MADE DURING A COLONOSCOPY
A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
THE DEAD RABBIT
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the dead rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um..no..um..what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there..."
DISHONORED
A Japanese man was told by his friends that his wife was dishonoring him with a Jewish man.
When he went home, he confronted his wife. "Wife! I understand you dishonor me with a Jewish man."
The wife responded, "No husband. That not true! I not dishonor you with Jewish man! Who told you that MISHUGAS?
NOT TODAY
Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks when one turned to the other and said, "You smell terrible. Did you shit in your pants?"
"No" was the reply.
They continued a little ways and the first hobo said "I don't believe you." He grabbed the other guy and pulled down his pants and sure enough there was a big load there.
"Why did you lie to me?"
"I didn't lie. I thought you meant today."
HELPFULL ARABISMS
Useful Expressions to Know <br>
When Traveling in Certain Areas of the Middle East
Akbar Kmali-xili Haftir Loftan
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Feker Gabul Acardan Davat Paeh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on
the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
Shomash Fika Tahomes Guh Dotfug Dandu
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in
your life.
Auto Arraregh Dvateman Mami Sapehah-hast
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the
trunk of your car.
Fahal-eh Tupehman Na Degat Mano Goftan Cheeshayen Momema Rajefen
Kashavarehman
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
country in public.
Khrel Jepahehmaneh Va Jayeii Amrkanyey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American
spies travelling as reporters.
Balli Balli Balli
Whatever you say.....
Maternier Ghermez Ahleih Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelsh Bezorg Ba Khrunn Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I
must have the recipe.
Etenforam Dheratee Otageh Shoma Mikrastam Khe Do Haftash Da
Bodeheh Shekkeel Teegs
Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
self than to spend a fortnight secluded with the person of
Cheryl Tiegs.
A BIBLICAL GUIDE TO SCHOOL, TEACHERS, STUDENTS, PARENTS
*Room Numbers*
Remove not the ancient landmark.
(Proverbs XXII, 28)
*Nurse's Room*
Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there?
(Jeremiah VIII, 22)
*Scheduling*
My times are in thine hand.
(Psalms XXXI, 15)
*Hall Passes*
More to be desired are they than gold.
(Psalms XIX, 10)
*Excuses for Tardiness*
I said in my haste, All men are liars.
(Psalms CXVI, 11)
*Smoking in the Lavatory*
Man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward.
(Job V, 7)
*Dress Code*
Even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
(Matthew VI, 29)
*Seating Chart*
There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
(Proverbs XVIII, 24)
*Changes in the Seating Chart*
He that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.
((Proverbs XVII, 9)
*Lunch Menus*
We have here but five loaves and two fishes.
(Matthew XIII, 17)
*Dismissal*
And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty
wind.
(Acts II, 2)
*Students (as teachers see them)*
Vain is the help of man.
(Psalms LX, 11)
*Teachers (as students see them)*
She came to prove him with hard questions.
(1 Kings X, 1)
*School Disciplinarian*
The king of terrors.
(Job XVIII, 14)
*Guidance Counselor*
A friend of publicans and sinners.
(Matthew XI, 19)
*Basketball Coach*
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
(Matthew VI, 27)
*Orchestra Instructor*
He was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
(Genesis IV, 21)
*Chorus Instructor*
They that carried us away captive required of us a song.
(Psalms CXXXVII, 3)
*Study Hall*
Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the
hands to sleep.
(Proverbs VI, 10)
*Homework*
I will not give sleep to mine eyes or slumber to mine eyelids.
(Psalms CXXXII, 4)
*Tests*
Study to be quiet and to do your own business.
(1 Thessalonians IV, 11)
*Report Cards*
Thou renderest to every man according to his work.
(Psalms LXII, 12)
*Parent-Teacher Conferences*
Your fathers, where are they?
(Zechariah I, 5)
*Graduation*
Another book was opened, which is the book of life.
(Revelation XX, 12)
<p>
<img src="barblue.gif">
<p>
A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD..... MEANS
40-ish 48
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate Possessive
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Flat chested
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun Annoying
Gentle Comatose
Good Listener Borderline Autistic
Humorous Caustic
Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker Lush
Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel If you're paying
Loves Animals Cat lady
Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm
animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
Non-traditional Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded Desperate
Outgoing Loud
Passionate Loud
Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional Bitch
Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable Frumpy
Reubenesque Grossly Fat
Romantic Looks better by candle light
Self-employed Jobless
Smart Insipid
Special Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Stable Boring
Tall, thin Anorexic
Tan Wrinkled
Voluptuous Very Fat
Weight proportional to Hugely Fat
height
Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged first husband to death
Writer Pompous
Young at heart Toothless crone
Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here's a start:
A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
"MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD... MEANS...
40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking Fat, grey, and bald
Educated Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return
for which I will expect you to obey my
every whim for the duration of your
mortal life.
Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking Arrogant bastard
Honest Pathological Liar
Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador
retriever
Light drinker Headed for AA
Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on I read Cosmo and think this is what you
the beach want to hear
Mature Until you get to know him
Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested
Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors
admiring myself
Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall while
constipated
Professional Owns a white button down
Reliable Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive Needy
Smart Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever
on TV"
Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter
Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without
passing out
Young at heart Pedophile
THE AMAZING BRASS RAT
A man walked into a curio shop in Tel Aviv. Browsing the shop he came upon a beautifully crafted brass rat. He picked it up and brought it to the shopkeeper. "This brass rat is incredible", he said. "I have never seen so much detail on a scupture. It's remarkable. How much is it?" The shopkeeper replied, "It's 25 skekels. But there is a story that goes with it and the story is 100 shekels." The customer replied, "I don't wish to pay for the story. I only want the rat." The shopkeeper nodded and said, "Alright, but I have a feeling that you will be back for the story." The customer left the shop with the brass rat under his arm.
Going home, he decided that he would like to walk along the beach and look at the beauty of the Mediterranean Sea. He began to walk and after a moment he heard a squeak from behind him. He turned around and saw that a rat was following him. Feeling somwhat uneasy, he shook off the feeling and continued walking home along the beach. Soon he heard more squeaks behind him. He turned around and now there were 10 rats following behind him. He began to get really nervous and started walking faster. After a few minutes the squeaking grew louder. Turning around he saw 100 rats following. He broke into a run and ran until his lungs gave out. Slowing down and looking behind, he saw thousands of rats following him. Suddenly it dawned on him that the reason all these rats were following him had to do with the brass rat and the story that the shopkeeper had told him about.
It was too late to turn back and get the story so he took the brass rat and hurled it into the Sea. Immediately all of the thousands of rats jumped into the Sea after the brass rat. All the rats drowned in the Sea.
The next day the man returned to the curio shop. Seeing him, the shopkeeper said, "Oh, I see that you have returned to purchase the story of the rat." "No", the man said, "That's not it. I came back to ask ... Do you happen to have any brass Arabs?"
THE PACT
Fine and Shapiro were two business partners. They made a pact with each other that whoever died first would come back and contact the other, telling him what the afterlife was all about.
Soon after, Shapiro died.
Six months later, Fine was sleeping. It was 3 am. The phone rang. Fine picked it up. "Hello? Who is calling me at 3 in the morning?", he angrily asked.
The voice answered: "Fine! Fine! Its Shapiro!"
Fine got angier. "What kind of sick joke is this? Shapiro died 6 months ago!"
The voice replied: "Thats right, Fine! Thats right! But remember, we made a pact!"
Fine rubbed his eyes and sat up. "The pact! My goodness, I almost forgot. Shapiro, its really you?"
"Yes Fine", the voice answered, "Really me. I'm sorry it took so long for me to contact you but this is the first time that I have been able to get to a phone since I got here."
Fine answered: "Thats ok, Shapiro, thats ok! I understand. Don't worry about it. Please, just tell me what its like on the other side. What's it like where you are?"
The voice said, "Its GREAT, Fine, its GREAT! Let me tell you what we do here, our daily schedule."
Fine settled back onto his pillow and said, "Go ahead, Shapiro, please, I have been waiting to hear about the afterlife for six months. I don't even care that its 3 in the morning. Go ahead. I am all ears!"
The voice said: "OK. This is how it is here every day. First thing, we get up in the morning and have breakfast; then we either go for a swim, take a nap, or have sex. Later on we have morning snacks; then its more swimming or napping or sex. Then its time for lunch. After lunch, we take a nap, go for a swim, or have sex. Later on its time for afternoon snacks. After that its more naps, swims, or sex. Soon its dinner time, and after dinner we can either go for another swim or have more sex. Then its bedtime. We go to sleep. Thats it."
Fine sat up again. "What? Thats it? Thats what its all about? Sleeping, eating, swimming, and sex? Thats what heaven is like?"
The voice came back in a surprised tone: "Heaven? Who is talking about heaven? I am a buffalo in North Dakota!".
TYPICAL WHITE MAN
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring, "Typical white thinks only with short bow."
The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
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