but I've already got the holes for that.'
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her
shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable
but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'
THE RABBI'S PRESENT
Celebrating a Rabbi's 25 years of trusted service, the congregation sends him to Hawaii to the best suite, all expenses paid. When the Rabbi enters his suite, a beautiful, nude woman is lying in bed.
"Hello Rabbi, She says, "I'm here to do anything you want and I mean anything, 'cause they're paying big time."
Outraged, the Rabbi calls up the President of his congregation and screams, "Shlomo, how dare you tempt with such a beautiful woman? What do you think I'm a pervert or something? I am a Rabbi, a Rabbi, a spiriual and religious man! I am outraged and mad at you! How dare you!"
With that, the beautiful woman starts to get dressed.
"Where are you going?", asks the Rabbi. "Stay right where you are. I'm mad at him, not at you!
HOW TO MAKE HIM HAPPY
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY MEMO
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at the Radisson Hotel and Suites. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that, Hanukkah is holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no
Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and
your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.
In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed
since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit."
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians - I've had it with you people! We're going to hold this
party at the Radisson Hotel whether you like it or not, you can just sit
at the table farthest from the grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard
them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten
holiday! Drive drunk and die! DO YOU HEAR ME?
Patty Lewis
Human Resources
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay. Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
A MESSAGE FROM THE CAPTAIN
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard United Airlines flight 602 from New York to Punta Cana. You are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet going South over the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me, your captain, the co-pilot and one of the stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
Jesus and the Burglar
One night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, a burglar drove up to a house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.
"Jesus Christ is watching you," a voice said.
The burgler was startled but seeing no one, shrugged the voice off.
A few minutes later, the voice said, "Jesus Christ sees everything you are doing."
The burglar froze in his tracks but only momentarily. Still seeing nothing, he continued with his theft.
"Jesus Christ is very close to you," the voice said a few minutes later.
Finally the burglar took out his flashlight and shone it in the direction of the voice. He saw was a parrot on its perch.
The burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid family has a dumb bird like you?" he asked.
"The same kind of stupid family that names its doberman Jesus Christ!" the parrot said.
THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, I'm winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.
CHRISTMAS JOKES
Yesterday I met a Jewish man who loved Christmas,
He loved it so much he even dressed up as Santa Claus,
Stood outside his store, and said,
"HO HO HO, All toys 20% off"
One more thing,
I have been watching all about the new Rockefeller Center Tree,
Its was all decked out with the New' LED' diode lights
They say its the first Christmas Tree thats" GOING GREEN"
It uses less electricity that last years tree,
Thats going green..? Alright.
Except for the fact "THEY CHOPPED DOWN A TREE!!!!"
That gets me mad.....
This tree at 90 feet cleaned more pollution in 90 years than
a 1966 cadillac filled with sandbags driven entirely up hill in 1st gear for 100 years with flat tires.
My point is If you want to go green, Buy a artificial tree,
NBC cant make a 90 foot fake tree? Out of Old Detergent Bottles?
What about this...?
Atleast cut a tree with a root system , so It can be RE-planted again.... after 1 month
of being lit up like a Dutch Whore in the red light district of Holland.
This tree serves no importance anymore to anyone except the wood chipper.
I think Ill invent a gas free car that runs on Bald Eagle Eggs, These people would buy it , just like they' BUY' The Rockefeller Christmas Tree is GOING GREEN.
Remember I am The First New Yorker , who hates the Tree at Rock center.I would
love it , If it Didnt have to be killed,
Just Plant One TREE in that Spot and use it year after year....yada yada yada
"A tradition for over 70 TREES oops I mean YEARS"...
I wanna stand at the base of the tree with a sign that reads......
Rockefeller Center cut down more trees than Paul Bunion ,Merry Christmas.
GETTING A GET
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a GET."
The judge inquires what she means by a GET. So, the woman explains that a GET is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a BRIS?
She replies "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire SCHMUCK."
A JEWISH APE
Dov, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that," thinks Dov. To his surprise, the employer turns outo be the local zoo. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they need to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit.
Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And he feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den! Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echod!"
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed!"
From a nearby cage the panda yells, "Shut up, you schmucks. You'll get us all fired!!!
FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):
TECHNO-TERRORIST
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line," President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
GENTILE JOKES
All we ever hear are "Jewish" jokes; don't you think Gentiles should get equal time?
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?" The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"
Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children. Gentile mother #1 says (with pride): "My son is a construction worker!" Gentile mother #2 says (with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it." His mother says, "OK."
A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant: The man says: "I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee." The waiter says: "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?" The man says "I'd like the steak medium, the salad is fine as is." The waiter says: "Thank you."
A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, " Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?" She says, "I feel fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile friend. The friend asks, "How is your son getting along?" The Gentile woman says: "He's just fine. He just turned 35." "And where does he live?" asks the friend. "He lives at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married." The friend says, "How nice."
THE BAD PARROT
A man bought himself a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a very bad vocabulary. Every word out of tie bird's mouth was profanity. The man tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words in an effort to clean up the bird's vocabulary.
Finally the man got fed up and he yelled at the parrot The parrot yelled back the man shook the parrot, making the parrot even angrier and even ruder. In desperation, the man threw up he hands, grabbed the bird, and it into the freezer.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard from the parrot for over a minute. Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, the man quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot flew out into the man's arms and said, "OK! I know I ofrended you with my bad language. I promise to correct my rude behavior.
The man was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He just stared at the bird and said nothing.
Suddenly the bird said, "Just tell me one thing. What did the turkey do?"
POISON
Man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
WAITERS
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of, you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
LAWYERS
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamp.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the
ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing.
There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while
New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
A NEW CAR
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.
The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."
"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"Oh, we don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting."
"What on Earth are you waiting for?" asked the cop.
The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."
EGAN'S LAW
POLICE MUST NOTIFY RESIDENTS WHEN
CATHOLIC CHURCH MOVES INTO NEIGHBORHOOD
Controversial "Egan's Law" Expected to Gain Widespread Support
Trenton, N.J. (SatireWire.com) - Under a new law designed to protect
minors, local police departments will now be required to inform
residents any time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their
neighborhood.
New Jersey Senate passes Egan's Law:
The law also mandates that Catholic churches register with authorities,
wear electronic monitoring devices, and be prohibited from moving to
within a half-mile radius of a school.
A follow-up to Megan's Law, enacted by New Jersey in 1994, the so-called
"Egan's Law" is named for Cardinal Edward Egan of New York and Cardinal
Bernard Law of Boston, who are both accused of covering up sexual abuse
by priests under their authority. Like Megan's Law, Egan's Law is
expected to spread quickly to other states, but for parents in towns
across New Jersey, it's on the books none too soon.
"Last year, we discovered that a Catholic Church had been in our
neighborhood for 30 years! And nobody told us!" said Ruth Harper of
Redbrook, N.J. "My sons used to walk by that church every day on their
way to school. Even now I shudder to think of what might have happened."
"I always told my kids to steer clear of that place," added neighbor
Scott Carlyle. "But that's because there were a lot of strange people
going in and out at odd hours, even at midnight on Saturdays. I was
worried it was some kind of druggie hangout.
"To think the whole time it was a Roman Catholic Church. Now I know why
they had all those stained glass windows -. so nobody could look in."
Critics, however, charge that Egan's Law is unconstitutional,
specifically because it relies on religious profiling and is intended to
safeguard only one segment of the population: young males. But State
Sen. Carmela Truto, a Catholic who co-sponsored the bill, used church
doctrine itself to prove only one segment needs protection.
"In the Catholic Church, after 2,000 years, Mary is still a Virgin," she
said. "So clearly, they're not interested in girls."
That statement, however, angered Vatican spokesman Edgar Palowski, who
said it propagated a common misconception about the church. "This
doesn't get reported enough," he said, "but it's a fact that our priests
abuse just as many girls as boys."
"Oh. Oh dear..." he added.
JEWISH ZEN
Take only what is given. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. There is no escaping karma. Wherever you go, there you are. Do not let children play contact sports like football. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, Learn of the pine from the pine. Be aware of your body. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? Those who know do not kibbitz. *Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Do not kvetch. Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining. The Tao has no expectations. Whenever you feel anger, you should say, Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. The Buddha taught that one should practice Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Be patient and achieve all things. In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. To Find the Buddha, look within. Be here now. Zen is not easy.
Sent by Claudia Deutsch in December, 2007
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."
Zen is not easy.
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
ASSORTED JOKES
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~* In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Some lions mate over 50 times a day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
ALTERNATIVE ANSWERING MACHINE GREETINGS:
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through
their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're
still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
back to you.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is John If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Leave a beep after the message
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think
about returning your call.
PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
WOMEN! WHAT CAN YOU DO?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, her e's another miracle. My &t;car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
THE BUS GOES WHERE?
A Polish couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle
went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only
this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to
Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her
husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered,
"We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out
of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally
his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus
to Coney Island? You idiot! Everyone knows the No. 5 bus
doesn't go out to Coney Island!"
WHITE COLLAR CRIME
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because
his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here
for a white-collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was
sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh, nothing fancy like that for me." qualified the convict.
"I just killed a couple of Priests."
ALWAYS THE DOUBT
Charles, the Frenchman, was leaving his Parisian home for
two weeks and confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always
hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away,
I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the
doubt, always the doubt."
Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're
such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening
that you're gone."
"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved.
"Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust
my wife, but it's just that there's always the doubt,
always the doubt."
So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to
Paris two weeks later. The two men met again.
"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.
"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go
to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed
and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her
crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never
daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and
watched them in the bedroom."
"And so...?" inquired Charles.
"Well, first they took off all his clothes."
"What happened then?" asked Charles.
"Then," Pierre shook his head sorrowfully, "then they
closed the curtains. I could see nothing. I could learn
nothing more."
Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my
friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."
THE SHY WELSH MAN A shy Welsh village man, Elwyn, noticed that a beautiful girl had moved in next door. But Elwyn was shy so every time he saw her in the garden or in the street he couldn't think of what to say, so he would say 'good morning miss' or 'good afternoon miss' and hurry off about his business. He talked to his friend in the bar. "Jones," he said, "a beautiful girl lives next door to me, but I don't know how to chat girls up, I've never done it before." Jones said, "All you have to do is say to her 'good morning miss. It´s a beautiful day isn't it? What beautiful flowers in your garden.´ That will get the conversation going." Elwyn practiced this in front of a mirror for a few days. Then one night at the local pub he saw her. Elwyn stood near the bar trying to pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. He was nearly ready when the girl got up and went to the ladies rest room. This is it, thought Elwyn, its now or never. So he stood outside the ladies rest room and waited. She was ever such a long time that poor Elwyn was starting to lose his nerve. He was just about to walk away when the girl came out. There she was, right in front of him looking beautiful. Elwyn said, "Erm, erm g-good evening, miss." She said, "Good evening." He continued, "It´s a b-beautiful day isn't it?" "Yes," she said, "it is a splendid day." Encouraged he went on. "I´m your neighbor, and I must tell you you have a lovely garden." She smiled, "Thank you. I think so, too." Stuck for something else to talk about, Elwyn stammered, "Erm, erm, err, ah, you've just had a shit, have you?"
THE OBEDIENT WIFE There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.' And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him' You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?' 'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.
TASHLICH
On ROSH HASHANAH, the Jewish New Year, a time of introspection, there is the custom of TASHLICH, where Jews take crumbs and throw them into a river or other body of water to symbolize throwing away one's sins and starting the new year fresh.
However, times have changed.
Taking a few crumbs to TASHLICH from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, consider these options for
TASHLICH in ROSH HASHANAHs to come.
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
PEARLS OF WISDOM
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sent by Jennie Kramer on July 7, 2003
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Budhha with posture like that.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Your luggage is another story.
These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, war-like nature.
Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."
do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation
is a symptom of a terminal illness.
Those who kibbitz do not know.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your
problems.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.
May I be free of this anger!"
This rarely works, but talking to yourself in public
will encourage others to leave you alone.
With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
lovingkindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being
who happens to be Jewish?
Gaze upon your original face before you were even born.
Shocked? Remember, this was before the nose job.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
The wind may blow or not.
The flowering branch grows long or short.
Do not judge or prefer.
Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away,
Yet shall you meditate and not stir
until you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
(Much worse than "going blind!")
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time...
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
law?)
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)
(Is that why Flipper was always
smiling?)
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)
(In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)
After reading all these, all I can say is.......
Damn those Pigs.
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
For exotic sins, use French Bread
For particularly dark sins, use Pumpernickel
For complex sins, use Multi-grain
For twisted sins, use Pretzels
For tasteless sins, use Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, use Waffles
For sins committed in haste, use Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, use Bread that's fresh
For substance abuse, use Poppy Seed
For committing arson, use Toast
For committing auto theft, use Caraway
For being ill tempered, use Sourdough
For silliness, use Nut Bread
For jingoism, use Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, use Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, use Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, use Jelly doughnuts
For war-mongering, use Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, use Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, use Tortes
For promiscuity, use Hot Buns
For being holier than thou, use Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, use Challah
For trashing the environment, use Dumplings
For sins of laziness, use Any Very Long Loaf
For lying, use Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For the sins of the righteous, use Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, use Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, use Wonder Bread
For inhaling, use Stoned Wheat
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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