A ventriloquist is walking across the dessert. He's hungy and tired, and he sees that night is coming soon and he's worried about where he's going to sleep and eat. All of a sudden he comes across anIndian in the desert. The Indian is making camp and sitting down any cooking dinner. He also notices that the Indian has ia dog, a horse, and a sheep.

The ventriloquist asks the Indian, Excuse me. Indian. Can I stay here and have dinner with you and sleep here? The Indian is agreeable says he can stay and eat and sleep there.

After dinner, the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the Indian.

He says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your dog?

The Indian says, Ugh! Dog not talk.

The ventriloquist says, Sure the dog can talk. Look here. Hey dog. You like living with the Indian? He treat you good?

The ventriloquist throws his voice and has the dog say, Oh the Indian is top-notch. He's great! He treats me all right. He plays with me and gives me bones to chew on. I like the Indian.

The Indian says, Ugh. Me not know dog talk.

Later, the ventriloquist says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your horse?

The Indian says, Ugh! Horse not talk.

The ventriloquist says, Sure the horse can talk. Look here. Hey horse. You like living with the Indian? He treat you good?

The ventriloquist throws his voice and has the horse say, Oh the Indian is great. He feeds me oats and got me a nice blanket. I like the Indian.

The Indian says, Ugh. Me not know horse talk.

Later, the ventriloquist says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your sheep?

The Indian yells out, Sheep lie!

[My friend, Dr Barry, has his own version of this joke] -   Click HERE


Question: Hilary and Obama were in a rowboat and it sunk. The question is who was saved?

Answer: America!

"I went to a Chinese psychiatrist. An hour later,I was crazy again"
- Gilbert Gottfried.


An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. In an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'


A gay guy goes to the Doctor for his physical. After the exam the Doctor comes in and say's, "You've got six weeks to live."

The gay guy asks, "How do you know this?"

The Doctor tells him, "During the exam a hamster crawled out of your ass, saw his shadow, and went back in."


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
A talented killer, to say the least!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?


A Rabbi died and his widow was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.

The town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor widow was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no real formal education.

However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came.  She went to the Mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities.

Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."

So they did.

She lit the candles.

He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers.  When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, it's good to have sex."

So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex."

So they did.

On Sunday, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his dog for company. One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for de poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon replied, "I'll go right away Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Mother of Jesus! Why din't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"


Three couples died in an auto accident. One couple was Irish, one Jewish, one Greek.

The couples were sitting in the waiting room, waiting to be interviewed by the Admitting Angel. The door was open so they could hear the interview going on.

The Angel yelled "NEXT!"

The Irish couple walked in. The Angel looked at them and said, "Oh Irish. I hate Irish. What did you do in life that you think you deserve to be admitted?"

The couple said, "Nothing, We just hope for mercy."

The Angel said to the husband, "What's your wife's name?"

He said, "Brandy."

The Angel said, "Brandy? You mean like the alcohol drink? All you people ever think of is drinking. Get outta here!"

The Angel yelled "NEXT!"

The Jewish couple walked in. The Angel looked at them and said, "Oh Jews. I hate Jews. What did you do in life that you think you deserve to be admitted?"

The couple said, "Nothing, We just hope for mercy."

The Angel said to the husband, "What's your wife's name?"

He said, "Penny."

The Angel said, "Penny? You mean like the coin? All you people ever think of is money. Get outta here!"

The Greek couple in the waiting room had heard it all.

The Greek husband turned to his wife and said, "I guess we don't stand a chance, Fanny!"


An old Jew and an old Chinaman were sitting around, talking about the merits of their respective ethnic groups.

The old Chinaman said, "Our culture very old. Our history go back 4000 year."

The old Jew said, "Our culture is very old too. Our history goes back 5000 years."

The Chinaman said, "5000 year? Let me ask you something. What you people do for dinner Sunday night first thousand year?"


There was a horny CHASID just chillin'.
He would SHTUP any woman who was willin'.
Yet throughout her whole life
his nearsighted wife
thought he was only layin' TEPHILLIN.

A gentile lady was sleeping with a YID.
She got excited by whatever they did.
But when it came to a service
She always got nervous
Because she only knew Hebrew a SHMID.


Two Jews walk into a bar.

The first Jew looks at the floor of the bar and sees a German Shepherd lying there, licking his own dick. He taps the second Jew on the arm and points down to the dog.

The second Jew looks down and says, "Ho boy! I sure vish I could do dat!"

The bartender says, "No you don't. He bites!"


A couple of Rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

Panic-stricken, he says to the operator, "I think Zeke is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot rings out.

The Redneck comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"


Joe steps into a public mens room and enters a stall. All of a sudden, someone in the next stall is talking.

Stranger: Hey, how's it going?

Joe: (embarrased) Umm, not too bad, you?

Stranger: Not too bad, what have you been up to?

Joe: Well, just going to see some family.

Stranger: Listen, would it be okay if I came to your house on Wednesday?

Joe: (nervous) Uhh, well actually I'm in the process of moving.

Stranger: Listen Mike I gotta call you back. Some schmuck in the next stall keeps answering all my questons.


One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bras."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."


A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"


This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the dead rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, " happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there..."


A Japanese man was told by his friends that his wife was dishonoring him with a Jewish man.

When he went home, he confronted his wife. "Wife! I understand you dishonor me with a Jewish man."

The wife responded, "No husband. That not true! I not dishonor you with Jewish man! Who told you that MISHUGAS?


Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks when one turned to the other and said, "You smell terrible. Did you shit in your pants?"

"No" was the reply.

They continued a little ways and the first hobo said "I don't believe you." He grabbed the other guy and pulled down his pants and sure enough there was a big load there.

"Why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't lie. I thought you meant today."


             Useful Expressions to Know   <br>
       When Traveling in Certain Areas of the Middle East


Akbar Kmali-xili Haftir Loftan

     Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

Feker Gabul Acardan Davat Paeh Gush Divar

     I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on
     the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

Shomash Fika Tahomes Guh Dotfug Dandu

     I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in
     your life.

Auto Arraregh Dvateman Mami Sapehah-hast

     It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the
     trunk of your car.

Fahal-eh Tupehman Na Degat Mano Goftan Cheeshayen Momema Rajefen

     If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
     appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
     country in public.

Khrel Jepahehmaneh Va Jayeii Amrkanyey

     I will tell you the names and addresses of many American
     spies travelling as reporters.

Balli Balli Balli

     Whatever you say.....

Maternier Ghermez Ahleih Ghorban

     The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelsh Bezorg Ba Khrunn Boyast Ino Begeram

     The water soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.  I
     must have the recipe.

Etenforam Dheratee Otageh Shoma Mikrastam Khe Do Haftash Da
Bodeheh Shekkeel Teegs

     Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
     self than to spend a fortnight secluded with the person of
     Cheryl Tiegs.


*Room Numbers*
         Remove not the ancient landmark.
                                                        (Proverbs XXII, 28)
*Nurse's Room*
         Is there no balm in Gilead?  Is there no physician there?
                                                        (Jeremiah VIII, 22)
         My times are in thine hand.
                                                          (Psalms XXXI, 15)
*Hall Passes*
         More to be desired are they than gold.
                                                           (Psalms XIX, 10)
*Excuses for Tardiness*
         I said in my haste, All men are liars.
                                                          (Psalms CXVI, 11)
*Smoking in the Lavatory*
         Man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward.
                                                                 (Job V, 7)
*Dress Code*
         Even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
                                                           (Matthew VI, 29)
*Seating Chart*
         There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
                                                       (Proverbs XVIII, 24)
*Changes in the Seating Chart*
         He that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.
                                                        ((Proverbs XVII, 9)
*Lunch Menus*
         We have here but five loaves and two fishes.
                                                         (Matthew XIII, 17)
         And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty
                                                               (Acts II, 2)
*Students (as teachers see them)*
         Vain is the help of man.
                                                            (Psalms LX, 11)
*Teachers (as students see them)*
         She came to prove him with hard questions.
                                                             (1 Kings X, 1)
*School Disciplinarian*
         The king of terrors.
                                                            (Job XVIII, 14)
*Guidance Counselor*
         A friend of publicans and sinners.
                                                           (Matthew XI, 19)
*Basketball Coach*
         Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
                                                           (Matthew VI, 27)
*Orchestra Instructor*
         He was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
                                                           (Genesis IV, 21)
*Chorus Instructor*
         They that carried us away captive required of us a song.
                                                        (Psalms CXXXVII, 3)
*Study Hall*
         Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the
         hands to sleep.
                                                          (Proverbs VI, 10)
         I will not give sleep to mine eyes or slumber to mine eyelids.
                                                         (Psalms CXXXII, 4)
         Study to be quiet and to do your own business.
                                                   (1 Thessalonians IV, 11)
*Report Cards*
         Thou renderest to every man according to his work.
                                                          (Psalms LXII, 12)
*Parent-Teacher Conferences*
         Your fathers, where are they?
                                                           (Zechariah I, 5)
         Another book was opened, which is the book of life.
                                                        (Revelation XX, 12)
<img src="barblue.gif">
                           A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
                    "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

  CODE WORD.....            MEANS

  40-ish                    48
  Adventurer                Has had more partners than you ever will
  Affectionate              Possessive
  Artist                    Unreliable
  Athletic                  Flat chested
  Average looking           Ugly
  Beautiful                 Pathological liar
  Commitment-minded         Pick out curtains, now!
  Communication important   Just try to get a word in edgewise
  Contagious Smile          Bring your penicillin
  Educated                  College dropout
  Emotionally Secure        Medicated
  Employed                  Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
  Enjoys art and opera      Snob
  Enjoys Nature             Bring your own granola
  Exotic Beauty             Would frighten a Martian
  Feminist                  Fat; ball buster
  Financially Secure        One paycheck from the street
  Free spirit               Substance user
  Friendship first          Trying to live down reputation as slut
  Fun                       Annoying
  Gentle                    Comatose
  Good Listener             Borderline Autistic
  Humorous                  Caustic
  Intuitive                 Your opinion doesn't count
  In Transition             Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
  Light drinker             Lush
  Looks younger             If viewed from far away in bad light
  Loves Travel              If you're paying
  Loves Animals             Cat lady
  Mature                    Will not let you treat her like a farm
                            animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
  Non-traditional           Ex-husband lives in the basement
  Old-fashioned             Lights out, missionary position only
  Open-minded               Desperate
  Outgoing                  Loud
  Passionate                Loud
  Petite                    Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
  Poet                      Depressive Schizophrenic
  Professional              Bitch
  Redhead                   Shops on the Clairol aisle
  Reliable                  Frumpy
  Reubenesque               Grossly Fat
  Romantic                  Looks better by candle light
  Self-employed             Jobless
  Smart                     Insipid
  Special                   Rode the short schoolbus
  Spiritual                 Involved with a cult
  Stable                    Boring
  Tall, thin                Anorexic
  Tan                       Wrinkled
  Voluptuous                Very Fat
  Weight proportional to    Hugely Fat
  Wants Soulmate            One step away from stalking
  Widow                     Nagged first husband to death
  Writer                    Pompous
  Young at heart            Toothless crone

 Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here's a start:

                        A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
                    "MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds

  CODE WORD...              MEANS...

  40-ish                    52 and looking for 25-yr-old
  Affectionate              Needy and looking for mother-figure
  Artist                    Delicate ego badly in need of massage
  Athletic                  Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
  Average looking           Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
  Distinguished-looking     Fat, grey, and bald
  Educated                  Will always treat you like an idiot
  Employed                  On management track at Radio Shack
  Financially Secure        I will spend some money on you, in return
                            for which I will expect you to obey my
                            every whim for the duration of your
                            mortal life.
  Free Spirit               Sleeps with your sister
  Friendship first          As long as friendship involves nudity
  Fun                       Good with a remote and a six pack
  Good looking              Arrogant bastard
  Honest                    Pathological Liar
  Huggable                  Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
  ISO Slim, attractive female  Would be better off with a labrador
  Light drinker             Headed for AA
  Like to cuddle            Insecure, overly dependent
  Like romantic walks on    I read Cosmo and think this is what you
  the beach                 want to hear
  Mature                    Until you get to know him
  Open-minded               Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
                            not interested
  Physically fit            I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors
                            admiring myself
  Poet                      Once wrote on a bathroom stall while
  Professional              Owns a white button down
  Reliable                  Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
  Self-employed             Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
  Sensitive                 Needy
  Smart                     Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever
                            on TV"
  Spiritual                 Once went to church with his grandmother
                            on Easter
  Stable                    Occasional stalker, but never arrested
  Thoughtful                Says "Please" when demanding a beer
  Virile                    Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without
                            passing out
  Young at heart            Pedophile


A man walked into a curio shop in Tel Aviv. Browsing the shop he came upon a beautifully crafted brass rat. He picked it up and brought it to the shopkeeper. "This brass rat is incredible", he said. "I have never seen so much detail on a scupture. It's remarkable. How much is it?" The shopkeeper replied, "It's 25 skekels. But there is a story that goes with it and the story is 100 shekels." The customer replied, "I don't wish to pay for the story. I only want the rat." The shopkeeper nodded and said, "Alright, but I have a feeling that you will be back for the story." The customer left the shop with the brass rat under his arm.

Going home, he decided that he would like to walk along the beach and look at the beauty of the Mediterranean Sea. He began to walk and after a moment he heard a squeak from behind him. He turned around and saw that a rat was following him. Feeling somwhat uneasy, he shook off the feeling and continued walking home along the beach. Soon he heard more squeaks behind him. He turned around and now there were 10 rats following behind him. He began to get really nervous and started walking faster. After a few minutes the squeaking grew louder. Turning around he saw 100 rats following. He broke into a run and ran until his lungs gave out. Slowing down and looking behind, he saw thousands of rats following him. Suddenly it dawned on him that the reason all these rats were following him had to do with the brass rat and the story that the shopkeeper had told him about.

It was too late to turn back and get the story so he took the brass rat and hurled it into the Sea. Immediately all of the thousands of rats jumped into the Sea after the brass rat. All the rats drowned in the Sea.

The next day the man returned to the curio shop. Seeing him, the shopkeeper said, "Oh, I see that you have returned to purchase the story of the rat." "No", the man said, "That's not it. I came back to ask ... Do you happen to have any brass Arabs?"


Fine and Shapiro were two business partners. They made a pact with each other that whoever died first would come back and contact the other, telling him what the afterlife was all about.

Soon after, Shapiro died.

Six months later, Fine was sleeping. It was 3 am. The phone rang. Fine picked it up. "Hello? Who is calling me at 3 in the morning?", he angrily asked.

The voice answered: "Fine! Fine! Its Shapiro!"

Fine got angier. "What kind of sick joke is this? Shapiro died 6 months ago!"

The voice replied: "Thats right, Fine! Thats right! But remember, we made a pact!"

Fine rubbed his eyes and sat up. "The pact! My goodness, I almost forgot. Shapiro, its really you?"

"Yes Fine", the voice answered, "Really me. I'm sorry it took so long for me to contact you but this is the first time that I have been able to get to a phone since I got here."

Fine answered: "Thats ok, Shapiro, thats ok! I understand. Don't worry about it. Please, just tell me what its like on the other side. What's it like where you are?"

The voice said, "Its GREAT, Fine, its GREAT! Let me tell you what we do here, our daily schedule."

Fine settled back onto his pillow and said, "Go ahead, Shapiro, please, I have been waiting to hear about the afterlife for six months. I don't even care that its 3 in the morning. Go ahead. I am all ears!"

The voice said: "OK. This is how it is here every day. First thing, we get up in the morning and have breakfast; then we either go for a swim, take a nap, or have sex. Later on we have morning snacks; then its more swimming or napping or sex. Then its time for lunch. After lunch, we take a nap, go for a swim, or have sex. Later on its time for afternoon snacks. After that its more naps, swims, or sex. Soon its dinner time, and after dinner we can either go for another swim or have more sex. Then its bedtime. We go to sleep. Thats it."

Fine sat up again. "What? Thats it? Thats what its all about? Sleeping, eating, swimming, and sex? Thats what heaven is like?"

The voice came back in a surprised tone: "Heaven? Who is talking about heaven? I am a buffalo in North Dakota!".


A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring, "Typical white thinks only with short bow."

The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

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