Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."
- - - - -
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
- - - - -
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
- - - - -
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
- - - - -
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
- - - - -
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
- - - - -
At a Tire Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
- - - - -
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
- - - - -
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
- - - - -
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
- - - - -
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
- - - - -
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
- - - - -
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
- - - - -
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
- - - - -
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
- - - - -
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
- - - - -
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
- - - - -
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
- - - - -
And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
- - - - -
Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years?
No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
JACKIE MASON ON SPEAKING SPANISH
There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.
To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, no goodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!
These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.
Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!
Nephew: 'Uncle, what's the difference between a hypothetical question and a realistic question?'
Uncle: 'I don't know, but go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd fuck the mailman for $50,000.'
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
An Australian scientist has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down.
After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the shit out of him.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
3 JEWISH JOKES
A little compact car smashed into the rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn. The driver of the little car was furious.
"Why didn't you put out your hand?" he demanded.
"What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?" *****
The rabbi gets the fees, but it's the mohel (circumcisonist) who gets all the tips!
An elderly Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii. He was sure it was Havaii, but she maintains that it was Hawaii.
As soon as they landed, they asked the first person they saw, "Would you mind telling me the name of this island?"
"Havaii!", the man replied.
"Thanks," answered the man.
"You're velcome," the man replied.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind cop..."
1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? .. A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ... A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? . Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? .... Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? .... A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ... Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ... She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? . Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins? . Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion? ... Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers? 100 people that don't do dick.
JEWISH ICE CREAM
Ben And Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in the following flavors:
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
It should be noted that all of these flavors come in either a cup or a Cohen.
THE MADAM AND THE RABBI
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell, and on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..."
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on da girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed.
There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?"
The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old."
"That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me... Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you."
The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now, and believe me, I will be in the mood again."
"Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."
"Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet.
For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." To Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time around.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand is why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"
"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much, but the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there in my coat is five hundred dollars."
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman, it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom to my friends.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends-a lot.
IS IT THE POPE?
Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized.
"I say", said the first, "Isn't that the pope over there?"
"I really don't know," came the reply. "Why don't you go and ask him?"
"Good idea." So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the corner.
"Excuse me, sir", he asked, "but are you the pope?"
"Fuck off and die, dickhead!" replied the elderly man irritably.
Taken aback, the club member returned to his friend.
"What did he say?" he asked.
"He said, 'fuck off and die, dickhead!'"
"Damn. Now we'll never know if he was the pope."
The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left."
A guy goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Red Riding Hood (RRH) is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says RRH. The wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says RRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts RRH.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
HOW DO THEY KNOW?
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?
The CIA chief says, "I don't know. Maybe the Jews are in touch with the Israeli Intelligence Service.
Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works.
So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and is secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.
As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers "So, what's new?
The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that Bush is in Brooklyn?"
DEATH COMES IN THREES 7-10-03
Boy, it's been a busy week for the Grim Reaper. First he got our good ol' boy Strom Thurmond when Strom stroked after learning that it was now legal for men to play "you-stab-my-shit- and-I'll-stab-yours". Then he got Katherine Hepburn by telling her that Spencer Tracy was cheating on her with his wife. And now, alas, he took 95 year old Buddy Ebsen, the star of the Beverly Hillbillies. Yep, uncle Jed is dead. He also played Barnaby Jones (Indiana's great uncle on his mother's side.)
Well, if deaths come in threes then I guess this'll do for a while. But for some reason I think we'll be getting the big announcement the world has been waiting for for the last 25 years: BOB HOPE FINALLY DIES.
WHICH IS IT?
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the news is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town--if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
NO LONGER CRAZY
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being dis- charged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
SPELLING IT OUT
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
GIMME YOUR SOUL
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
He who laugh last, think slowest.
Everyone have photographic memory but some have no film.
Change inevitable except from vending machine.
When chips down, buffalo empty.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
Woman who fly in plane upside down have crackup.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds more like a near hit.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
PUNS ~ Forworded by a friend.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome," said the Doctor. "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "Really! No bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The doctor says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" ?"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"? So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." The astonished man cries out, "What?? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
Did you hear about the optician who backed into the lens grinder and got a little behind in his work?
I went to put on my camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find them.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
A man came around in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
ISRAEL TO THE RESCUE
A captain of the Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean sends out a MAY DAY message, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"
A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the MiddleEast OTHER than Israel!"
A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian AirForce # 174. We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines and urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"
Still no answer.
Finally the captain calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!"
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:"Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help."
"Allah be praised", says the Syrian pilot. "Please give me instructions."
"Do you speak Hebrew?"
"Then repeat after me: "yisdadal ve' yiskadash ..."
A small zoo in Alabama had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very agitated and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Mike, a part time trainee zoo-keeper, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Mike, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition?
"Well," said Mike, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
REDNECK DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
WHICH UNDERWEAR TO WEAR?
Three old black ladies were getting ready to take an airplane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna wear some hot pink underwear before I get on dat plane."
Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Because, if dat plane is gonna crash and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field,dey gonna see my butt."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange underwear." "Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked. The second lady answered: "Because if dis here plane is gonna crash and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey gonna see my butt."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any underwear."
"What? No underwear?!" the others said in disbelief.
Dat's right; you heard me. I'm not wearing any underwear," the third lady said, "because if dis plane crashes, dey always look for dat black box first."
BAD PICK UP LINES
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
A JEWISH PSYCHIATRIST
A man wect to his Jewish psychiatrist and had the following discussion:
"Doctor! I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that you were my mother. And as you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed until dawn. Then I got up and made myself breakfast. So what do you make of all that? I mean, You as my mother!"
"Well, Mr, Smith. Tell me. When you got up, what did you have for breakfast?"
"Oh just a piece of toast and some coffee."
"Mr Smith! A piece of toast and a cup of coffee? You call that breakfast?"
AT THE WAILING WALL
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.
I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for peace and brotherhood and healing of world sickness?" she asks.
The old man replies, "Like I'm talking to a wall."
MAD XMAS SONGS
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BEST ETHNIC LOVERS
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says,"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, its the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is theSouthern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto Goldstein!", the man blurts out. "But my friends call me 'Bubba'.
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my feet?'"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress." Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
NEW HOSPITAL WING
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body', while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
NO PIG LATIN, PLEASE!
An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher.
"Help, help," she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has taken my aunt's pay! He's taken my aunt's pay!"
"OK, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig Latin and tell me exactly what happened."
NOT THAT GOOD A GOLFER
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed--driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
Sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And
God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from
the dark. And did two loads of laundry.
PRESIDENT BUSH CONVERTS TO JUDAISM
In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive and in fact dismissive of Israel, one of America's closest allies today, President Bush, announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people.
Authorities have been unable to handle the many millions of applicants who volunteered to be the mohel.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT BACK-BITING
In a sermon in church, the preacher was educating the people on how back-biting was wrong with all the ills it created. The preacher advised if someone were to come slandering and back-biting a person who wasn’t present, the right thing to do would be to silence the gossiper and address the innocent party.
One confused soul stood up and said, "Wait a minute, Preacher! You mean if someone’s talkin’ bad about a feller who ain’t there, you want us to go get the mother-fucker?"
IS THIS MEANT TO BE A JEWISH JOKE?
Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
VERY OBSERVANT JEWESS
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island.
Her neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked, "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything?"
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed "Listen Beulah, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra. It would make me happy."
The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen."
"Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?"
The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively.
A little suspicious, the conductor asked "would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?"
The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Yo, man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked I n my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…..
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God !' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
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