A group of leading medical researchers has published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver. At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is ... "Let My People Go."
Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing CHAIs which are too heavy. This condition is called chaiatal hernia!"
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!
JEWISH JEOPARDY: We give the answer, you give the question
A: Midrash Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?
A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?
A: Sofer Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?
A: Babylon Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?
A: Filet Minyan Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?
And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering
circumcisions via the Internet.
The service is to be called..."E-MOIL."
At breakfast time, Rifkah asks her husband Shmuel: "Vould you like maybe some bagels mit lox, a piece of herring, and maybe some grapefruit and a glass tea?"
"T'anks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,” he says."It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he would like something. "A bowl of mushroom barley soup and a pastrami sandwich or maybe some potato latkes?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Vould you like a juicy brisket and scrumptious kugel? Or maybe some flanken or chicken?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra ... I'm still not hungry."
"Vell," she says, "vould you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
HENNY YOUNGMAN'S JOKES
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No" says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?"
He said "Yes", and walked away.
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?"
The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
I know a man who is a diamond cutter.
He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer
to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times.
When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way
to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell,
and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year.
On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want
Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go
see what they want!"
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks
and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can
drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband
the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend
asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman. He always delivers late,
and half the time it's in the wrong box."
WHO HAS THE DIRTY MIND?
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot and asks him what he sees. "A man and a woman having sex," the patient says.
The psychiatrist shows him another ink blot. "That's a man and two women having sex," the patient says.
The psychiatrist shows him another ink blot. "That's two men and a woman having sex," the patient says.
The psychiatrist says, "I'm afraid you're excessively obsessed with sex."
"Me!?," says the patient. "You're the one who's showing me the dirty pictures!"
MORE JEWISH HUMOR
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moishe asked "Yes or no," she replied.
DON'T EAT ANYTHING BEFORE YOU READ THIS
Because if you do, you will put a great strain on your digestive processes. The laughing will give you the bends.!
JACKIE MASON'S TAKE ON STARBUCKS (This is soooo true)
(Imagine Jackie Mason's voice as you read)
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, and have the customer clean it up after they're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard!
We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you'd call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast. It's a special bean from Argentina....." The bean is in your head!!! I know burnt!!!
You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each!
French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. 40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee."
You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50.
You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty, two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.
It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much! Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck's, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is.
"Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money?
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbuck's. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half. Starbuck's can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, %$#%^&*.
SON: "Dad, what are boobies?"
FATHER: "Well son, boobies are breasts, and there's three kinds. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties and forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
SON: "Like onions? What do you mean?".
FATHER: "You see them and they make you cry".
DAUGHTER: "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?"
MOTHER: "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
DAUGHTER: "A Christmas tree? What do you mean?"
MOTHER: "Dead from the root up, and the balls are for decoration only."
A HASID ON THE TOWN
A Hasidic man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Hasid jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, runs through a door, comes back, jumps back into bed with the hooker, and repeats the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Hasid jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, runs through a door, comes back, jumps back into bed with the hooker, and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done, she jumps up, goes to the window, takes a deep breath, runs through the door, and finds ... the other nine members of the Minyan!
An elderly couple are lying in bed one morning after a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she says, “Don’t touch me!” “Why not” he asks. She answers, “Because I am dead.” The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking.” The wife answers, “I know I’m dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”
Three little boys were sitting on the porch when one says, “My daddy smokes and he can blow smoke rings.” The second little boy chimes, “Well, my daddy smokes too and can blow smoke out of his ears.” The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My daddy can blow smoke out of his butt.” “Really, have you seen it? Shout the boys. He responded, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.”
A couple of Redneck hunters are in the woods when one falls to the ground. He isn’t breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy calls 911 screaming, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator calmly says, “Just take it easy—first, lets make sure he is dead.” There is silence, then a shot is heard….The hunter returns to the phone and says, “OK, now what?”
A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, Is it true what Rita just told me, that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies? Yes, dear, replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter. But then, when I have a baby, responded the blonde teenager, won't it knock my teeth out?
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert. " The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband replied sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Sometimes you will cry, and no one will see your tears.
Sometimes you will laugh and no one will see you smile.
Sometimes you will fear and no one will see you shudder.
Sometimes you will lie and no one will catch you up.
Sometimes you will fall and no one sees you struggle.
Sometimes you will be late and no one seems to notice.
BUT, FART JUST ONE TIME…..
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up, cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Clean up spouse's blood from carpet.
8. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
9. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Fetch bottle of scotch. Drink a shot. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away.
10. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
11. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
12. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
13. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
NEW JERSEY WOMEN
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Maryland and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a New Jersey girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
And finally #5: Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Now that I’ve replaced sex with food, I can’t even get into my own pants.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
With Pesach soon upon them, the Jewish community in Madrid found
themselves in a desperate situation. There was an acute shortage of
(Now many of you may know that horseradish is the key seder ingredient, and not only that fiery condiment for gefilte fish, and which is also known as chrain).
A hue and cry arose and the entire community was mobilized in an effort to prevent this shonda (shame, tragedy). All the European Union Countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid. Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph, tear-jerking, Israeli horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the EL Al 789 flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well. Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid A irport to claim the horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.
As a result: The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.
JEWISH BOY LEARNS WHO HE IS
A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner >>on his first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
THERE ARE PRAYERS AND THEN THERE ARE PRAYERS
An old Jewish man went to the races for the first
time. Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went
to the paddock to take a look. He saw a Rabbi
blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the number
and placed a $2 bet.
Sure enough the horse won and the man won $20. He went down to the paddock again and again the rabbi was blessing another horse.
He wrote down the number, bet his $20 and again the horse won, earning $100.
This went on, race after race, until the old Jewish man won $5000.
Just before the last race he watched the rabbi bless another horse.
He bet the $5000, but this time the horse came in dead last.
He ran down and yelled to the Rabbi, "Why did every horse you blessed win except the last one? He came in dead last!!!
The rabbi replied,"That's the problem with you Reform Jews...you don't know the difference between a brucha and a Kaddish.
YIDDISH FILM TITLES
GONIF WITH THE WIND - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE - A Model murder mystery.
THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY - A kosher noodle western.
MOBY DRECK - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.
THE CINCINNATI YID - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings start a reform congregation.
THE SEDER HOUSE RULES - Bubbie lays down the law on Pesach.
BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER - Paul Newman and Robert Redford do standup shtick while they rob their victims.
BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH - the extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips.
THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE - an overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.
THE MATZO CANDIDATE - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that it's always Passover.
DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK - Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.
ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE - Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
THE SIX CENTS - Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
THE DREYDEL WILL ROCK - Chanukah toy comes alive.
GOYS DON'T CRY - Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Yom Kippur.
STUART LADLE - Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
THE GREEN MOYEL - Young man performs first circumcision.
GOY STORY II - Jewish man divorces shiksa, then marries another.
ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN
An old Italian man lived alone in the New Jersey. He wanted to
dig his tomato garden, but it was hard work for his advanced
years as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to
help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to
be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I
buried the BODIES.
At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could
do under the circumstances.
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said, "We Greeks invented sex!"
The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
THE VICAR'S SMOKIN' WIFE
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
WHAT YA GONNA USE IT FOR?
The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas while our dipsticks are located in Washington D.C.
This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============ == =
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Customer: < FONT face=Verdana color=maroon>My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== ============ =
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
< B>Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help d esk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
NUN THE SMARTER
The very naive young nun was assigned to a parish in the country. On the first Saturday, the priest asked her if she wanted to go swimming. She'd never been before, but the priest promised he'd give her lessons.
They changed into bathing suits, then the priest offered her a hand while they waded into the water. They splashed around for a few minutes until the nun turned to the priest and asked, "Father, will I really sink if you take your fingers out of my hole?"
Two drunk blondes are stranded in the middle of nowhere trying to get home. The first blonde needs to pee so she tromps off into the bushes. After almost 10 minutes the second blonde begins to get worried and heads into the field to look for her friend.
She walks for half a mile until she finally finds the first blonde kneeling beneath a horse, blowing him.
"What in the world are you doing that for?" she slurs.
The first blonde sucks her lips away from the huge cock and drools, "Hold on, I think I may be able to get us a free ride home."
An Irish woman returned home after many years absence. Upon her return, her father yelled at her.
'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The woman replied, 'Dad! I became a prostitute.'
The father shouted, 'Ye what? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! Yer a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
She said, 'OK, Dad! As ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye,Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition Convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the Country Club, and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and......'
The father interrupted. 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' he asked.
The woman said, 'A prostitute, Daddy!'
'Oh! BeJesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug.'
Eliot Spitzer's membership in his synagogue has been cancelled!!!
It was announced today that Eliot Spitzer's membership in his synagogue has been revoked by his rabbi.
The rabbi explained that, while he was able to overlook Spitzer's personal indiscretions and betrayal of the public trust, it was impossible to forgive Spitzer for paying retail.
IT's A FIRST
"The Pope and President Bush met privately at the White House, and they prayed together. It was the first time anyone had been on their knees in the Oval Office since Lewinsky.
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi.
'Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me,' she says. 'Who will be the lucky one?'
The wise Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one'.
After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
THE WIDOW AND THE RANCH HAND
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town oneSaturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
And dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
JEWISH COMEDY QUOTES
Quotations from some of the funniest comedians of all time with a bit of wit and wisdom mixed in from some of the worlds greatest thinkers.
"What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."~Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." ~Groucho Marx
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~Woody Allen
"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say." ~Henny Youngman
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" ~Henny Youngman
"I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts." ~Gilbert Gottfried
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." ~ Albert Einstein
"The Internet Has Jumped the Shark" - Andy Borowitz:
"Most people don't have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."~George Burns
"It's amazing the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."~Jerry Seinfeld
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!" ~Henny Youngman
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early." ~Jack Benny
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there." ~Woody Allen
"Polite conversation is rarely either." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh." ~Carl Reiner
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"~Rita Rudner
"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. So when is a good time to hit them? When you're feeling festive?" ~Roseanne Barr
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows." ~Woody Allen
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman
"Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?"~Roseanne Barr
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult." ~Totie Fields
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." ~Mel Brooks
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." ~Groucho Marx
"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone." ~Lenny Bruce
"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~George Burns
"I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish." ~Larry David
"I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face." ~Ben Stiller
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman
"Nothing succeeds like address." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The word 'aerobics' came when gym instructors said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up & Down." ~Rita Rudner
"Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman." ~Larry David
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" ~Woody Allen
"My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!" ~Rodney Dangerfield
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