SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
DATING DIFFERENT ETHNIC WOMEN

WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier

ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date:

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over -women like that are hard to find."

THREE MEN'S SEX LIVES

Three men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

Calorie Intake
 
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until
now nobody has made a scientific study of the caloric content of
different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary"
research *they* are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent........................2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands.................................8 Calories
With one hand..................................12 Calories
With your teeth..............................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection.......................3315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary..........................12 Calories
69 lying down...................................78 Calories
69 standing up................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.................................216 Calories
Doggy Style...................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real..................................112 Calories
Fake.....................................1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging...........................18 Calories
Getting up immediately........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are: 20-29 years....................................36 Calories
30-39 years....................................80 Calories
40-49 years..................................124 Calories
50-59 years................................1972 Calories
60-69 years................................7916 Calories
70 and over.........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly.................................................32 Calories
In a hurry.................................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......13,521 Calories

THE WAILING WALL

e: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 13:27:51 EDT In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an Old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to theWailing Wall and praying?"

For about 50 years, he informs her.

50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

A HOLY BEAR

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Welll, thet bear wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."

APHORISMS WE'D LIKE TO CHANGE

1.  Don't change horses  until they stop running.  
2.  Strike while the  bug is close.  
3.  It's always darkest before  Daylight Saving Time.  
4.  Never underestimate the power of  termites.  
5.  You can lead a horse to water but  How?  
6.  Don't bite the hand that  looks dirty.  
7.  No news is  impossible  
8.  A miss is as good as a  Mr.  
9.  You can't teach an old dog new  Math  
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll  stink in the morning.  
11. Love all, trust  Me.  
12. The pen is mightier than the  pigs.  
13. An idle mind is  the best way to relax.  
14. Where there's smoke there's  pollution.  
15. Happy the bride who  gets all the presents.  
16. A penny saved is  not much.  
17. Two's company, three's  the Musketeers.  
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what  you put on to go to bed.  
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and  You have to blow your nose.  
20. There are none so blind as  Stevie Wonder .  
21. Children should be seen and not  spanked or grounded.  
22. If at first you don't succeed  get new batteries.  
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box  
24. When the blind lead the blind   get out of the way.  
25. A bird in the hand  is going to poop on you.  
26. Better late than  Pregnant  

THE MUSLIM BLOW UP DOLL

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man and he replied, "What does the religion have to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"?
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

THE FOUR MOST IMPORTANT THINGS FOR A PLUMBER TO LEARN:

1.Hot on the left, cold on the right.
2.Shit flows downhill.
3.Payday is Friday.
4.Don't chew your fingernails.

VINCENT VAN GOGH'S MANY RELATIVES    

His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.   
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.   
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.   
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.   
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.   
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.   
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.   
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.   
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.   
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.   
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.   
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.   
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.   
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.   
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.   
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.   
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.   
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.   
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.   
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.   
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.   

A HIPPIE AND A NUN

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!

MARRIAGE

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

( SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

TELL THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

NIGHTMARES

Nightmare #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Nightmare #2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.

One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.

He thought to himself, "what should I do?"

"Oh-I know."

He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.

Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.

He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"

She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

Nightmare #3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her,

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it.

Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.

But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

JEWISH HUMOR

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked "Yes or no," she replied.


An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are you comfortable?"
Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...."


Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate", and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home".


A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck". At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.


3 Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy". The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy". The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children".


Signs on Synagogue Bulleting Boards:
-Under same management for over 5763 years
- Beat the Rosh Hashana rush, come to shul this shabbat
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
- Come early for a good seat
- What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?


Channukah Songs that Never Quite Caught on:
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- Come on Baby Light my Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky


A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Channukah cards.
She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Channukah stamps please"
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vay,...my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

THREAT FROM THE EAST

This morning from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban Authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

EXTRAORDINARY SURGEONS

Three Texas Surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England!"

The next one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

JEWISH BUDDIST SAYINGS

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

JEWISH ZOO

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take anyacting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says:"Actor needed to play ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.

To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo.

Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit.

Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Moishe feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.

One day, when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hands slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den.

Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can,covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Adonai Elokeinu Ad-nai Echad!"

The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars,

"Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed!"

From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up, you schmucks. You'll get us all fired!!!

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE BUSH WAY

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

(1) One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced,

(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb,

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb,

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs,

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb,

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag, and

(7) finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country. --

A DOG STORY

A guy saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life.

Reporters swarmed the fellow. "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris." Reporters: "That's OK. Then whole France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either." Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?

The guy says, "I'm from Israel."

Reporters: "OK. Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: 'Israeli Butchers Girl's Dog!'"

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE-CONVENTION SCHEDULE- 2004 - New York, NY

6:00 PM     Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM     Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM     Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM     Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM     Seminar #1 "Getting your kid a military deferment"
7:30 PM     First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM     Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM     EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner.
8:00 PM     Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM     Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM     John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM     Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM     Seminar #2 "Corporations: The government of the future"
9:00 PM     Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' that Man"
9:05 PM     Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM     EPA Address #2 Trees: The real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM     Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM    Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM    Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM    Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM    Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare.
10:40 PM    John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM    Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:46 PM    Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM    Seminar #3 "Education: a drain on our nation's economy."
11:10 PM    Hilary Clinton Piñata
11:20 PM    Second Lecture by John Ashcroft:  Evolutionists: The dangerous
new cult
11:30 PM    Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
11:35 PM    Blame Clinton
11:40 PM    Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM    Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12: 00PM    Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE-CONVENTION SCHEDULE- 2004 Number 2

The RNC schedule above may be out of date.  Here is a more up to date one!
-----------------------------------
Republican National Convention in New York City,
August 30 to September 2.

AUG. 30
6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little too much.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.

* LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)

* ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY - THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS! (Sponsored by Wal-Mart)

* DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid 1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills 20's or less)

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!" Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible courage to allow "deep cleaning" of gums without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "GET BAKED WITH RUSH
"Crankster" LIMBAUGH!  (Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)

AUG 31
6 p.m. OPENING PRAYER read by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the man who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short, upbeat presentation on Islam called, "My God can Beat Up Your God."

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.

* WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle out of Charlton Heston's cold dead fingers (subject to Heston's death) (Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)

* DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person doesn't automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this - may need professional actor, possibly brought in from 3rd world country)

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entire country to Bechtelto be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced "consultants", will take one week and will be entirely funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.) (Sponsored by Halliburton)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH "Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!" (Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma - sponsored by ROBITUSSIN) SEPTEMBER 1 * 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism(tm) and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non- Christian non-heterosexual non-Republicans. * TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED

* THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)

* ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS - BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named   the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH "Kicker" LIMBAUGH (sponsored by Eli Lilly)

SEPTEMBER 2 (nomination night)

* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the ceremonial "TORCH OF FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine Red, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.

* CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" - DICK CHENEY will introduce and  personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre (Sponsored by NRA)

* PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama's dead body.

FIRST PEEK - Here the text of President Bush's speech: "Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus  speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil- doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil- doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me. G'night everybody!

POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:

* "GET MAXED with RUSH "ROCKET CAP" LIMBAUGH!" (Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline)

* RICK SANTORUM 'DOG ON DOG' PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)

* BILL O'REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD, AND NOBEL PEACE  PRIZE

* SPECIAL BUFFET - JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE A KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM ON CANAPES  (sponsored by KRAFT  "Thick N' Spicy" BBQ sauce)

SOCRATES AND THE TRIPLE FILTER TEST

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.

"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

PORN INDUSTRY REMAKES OF HOLLYWOOD CLASSICS

"CAPTAIN FELACIO HORNBLOWER"
"OKLAHOMO!"
"DANGEROUS LESBIANS"
"SPLINTER IN THE ASS"
"THE DORK AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS"
"NUDITY ON THE BOUNTY"
"TEACHER'S PUTZ"
"THE THREE FECES OF EVE"
"HOW THE BREAST WAS FUN"
"TARAS VULVA"
"THE FRENCH ERECTION"
"THE VAGINIAN"
"ANNE OF THE THOUSAND LAYS"
"WOMB AT THE TOP"
"THE BALLS OF MONYEZUMA"
"THE SPERMINATOR"
"A FISTFUL OF PENIS"
"CUMALOT"
"CHERRY POPPINS"
"BANG 'EM HIGH"
"ABSENCE OF PHALLUS"
"THE GREAT WALDO PECKER"
"SAVING RYAN'S PRIVATES"
"FORREST HUMP"
"COOL HAND JOB"

THE YIDDISH SPEAKING BIRD

Moishe, a lonely widower was walking home along High Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"

Moishe rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it.

The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Moishe by the sleeve.

"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."

Moishe stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Moishe turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments, Moishe had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Moishe began to put on his tefillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Moishe explained, the parrot wanted some too. Moishe went out and hand-made a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Moishe spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Moishe came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Moishe rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Moishe explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Moishe's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Moishe was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Moishe convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Moishe. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Moishe's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Moishe heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Moishe found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, extremely angry, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the shul the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

Moishe stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin and taught you the morning prayers and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be silly," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur."

WISE TALIBANS

News reported today that the Taliban are using sheep in Afganistan to detect mines. They send them into a field and if they're blown up, they have dinner. If they make it through alive, they have a date. .

AMERICA AT LAST

An Egyptian man had deams of coming to America to live. He saved up money and got his documents in order and finally got to come to America to live.

He was so happy to be in America that he could not contain himself. One day he went out into the street and stopped people to tell them of his happiness.

He stopped a man and said, "Sir, I am so happy to be in America. You have a wonderful country here." The man replied, "Well I am not American. I am Mexican."

Next he stopped a woman and said, "Lady, I am so happy to be in America. You have a wonderful country here." The woman replied, "Well I am not American. I am Nigerian."

Then he stopped a man and said, "Sir, I am so happy to be in America. You have a wonderful country here." The man replied, "Well I am not American. I am Russian."

He kept this up for about ten minutes but everyone he stopped was a foreigner, not an American.

Finally he stopped a man who was obviously in a hurry. He said, "Excuse me sir but are you American? "

"Yes I am", said the man.

"Well", said the Egyptian man, "Everyone I speak to is a foreigner. Where are all you Americans?"

"Oh", said the man, "we have to work."

DEBUTANTE BALL

A U.S. Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.

They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.  They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point:  No Jews please."

8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling black officers.  

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

THE BALL BUSTER BAR TENDER

Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . "   

"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.   

A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope ... "   

"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.   

One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."   

"No sports talk...That's how fights start in bars." the barman said.   

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"   

"Sure."   

"Good. Go fuck yourself."   

ONE LINERS

A guy goes to visit a newly divorced friend. He says, "Why is there a tampon on top of your TV?"   
His friend says, "It´s there to remind me of the cunt who took my VCR."   

What's the definition of an impotent loser?   
A guy who can't even get his hopes up.   

Do you know why lesbians can't diet and wear make-up at the same time?   
They can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.   

THE REDNECK SEX TEST   

1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False   

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False   

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False   

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False   

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False   

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False   

7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False   

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False   

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False   

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False   

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False   

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False   

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False   

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False   

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False   

16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False   

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False   

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False   

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False   

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False   

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False   

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False   

23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False   

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False   

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve". True or False   

LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT

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