1. CONSTIPATED PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
2. WHERE ARE A FOOL AND HIS MONEY WHEN YOU NEED THEM?
3. PRACTICE SAFE SEX, GO SCREW YOURSELF.
4. IF YOU DRINK, DON'T PARK, ACCIDENTS CAUSE PEOPLE.
5. WHO LIT THE FUSE ON YOUR TAMPON?
6. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN ORAL SEX, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
7. PLEASE TELL YOUR PANTS IT'S NOT POLITE TO POINT.
8. IF THAT PHONE WAS UP YOUR BUTT, MAYBE YOU COULD DRIVE A LITTLE BETTER.
9. MY KID GOT YOUR HONOR ROLL STUDENT PREGNANT.
10 THANK YOU FOR POT SMOKING.
11. TO ALL YOU VIRGINS: THANKS FOR NOTHING.
12. IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED ... BLAME SOMEONE ELSE AND SEEK COUNSELLING.
13. IMPOTENCE: NATURE'S WAY OF SAYING "NO HARD FEELINGS".
14. IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I'VE LOST MY TRAILER.
15. HORN BROKEN ... WATCH FOR FINGER.
16. IT'S NOT HOW YOU PICK YOUR NOSE, BUT WHERE YOU PUT THE BOOGER.
17. IF YOU'RE NOT A HEMORRHOID, GET OFF MY ASS.
18. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE VOICES ONLY TALK TO ME.
19. EARTH IS FULL - GO HOME.
20. YOU HAVE THE BODY OF A GOD ... BUDDHA.
21. THIS WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T HAPPENING TO ME.
22. SO MANY PEDESTRIANS - SO LITTLE TIME.
23. CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
24. IF WE QUIT VOTING WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?
25. THE FACE IS FAMILIAR BUT I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER MY NAME.
26. EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE, DIE ANYWAY.
27. ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR HELP.
28. HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF.
29. COVER ME, I'M CHANGING LANES.
30. HE WHO HESITATES IS NOT ONLY LOST BUT MILES FROM THE NEXT EXIT.
31. I REFUSE TO HAVE A BATTLE OF WITS WITH AN UNARMED PERSON.
32. YOU!!! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!!!
33. I DO WHATEVER MY RICE KRISPIES TELL ME TO.
34. WHERE ARE WE GOING AND WHY AM I IN THIS HANDBASKET?
35. IF SEX IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, YOU'RE DOING IT THE WRONG WAY.
36. FIGHT CRIME: SHOOT BACK!
37. IF YOU CAN READ THIS, PLEASE FLIP ME BACK OVER (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
38. REMEMBER FOLKS: STOP LIGHTS TIMED FOR 35MPH ARE ALSO TIMED FOR 70MPH.
39. GUYS: NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE. GALS: NO SHIRT, NO CHARGE.
40. IF WALKING IS SO GOOD FOR YOU, THEN WHY DOES MY MAILMAN LOOK LIKE JABBA THE HUT?
41. NECROPHILIA: THAT UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO CRACK OPEN A COLD ONE.
42. AXE ME ABOUT EBONICS.
43. BODY BY NAUTILUS; BRAIN BY MATTEL.
44. BOLDLY GOING NOWHERE.
45. CAT: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT.
46. CAUTION: DRIVER LEGALLY BLONDE.
47. DON'T BE SEXIST - BITCHES HATE THAT.
48. HEART ATTACKES: GOD'S REVENGE FOR EATING HIS ANIMAL FRIENDS.
49. HONK IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN AN UZI FIRED FROM A CAR WINDOW.
50. HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN TRAVEL DOWN BEFORE HE ADMITS HE IS LOST?
51. IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, RIDDLE THEM WITH BULLETS.
52. MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING, BUT IT SURE KEEPS THE KIDS IN TOUCH.
53. SAW IT ... WANTED IT ... HAD A FIT ... GOT IT!
54. MY HOCKEY MOM CAN BEAT UP YOUR SOCCER MOM.
55. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE - PLANT A MAN.
56. ALL MEN ARE ANIMALS, SOME JUST MAKE BETTER PETS.
57. SOME PEOPLE ARE ONLY ALIVE BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM.
58. I USED TO HAVE A HANDLE ON LIFE, BUT IT BROKE.
59. WANTED: MEANINGFUL OVERNIGHT RELATIONSHIP.
60. BEER: IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE.
61. SO YOU'RE A FEMINIST ... ISN'T THAT PRECIOUS.
62. I NEED SOMEONE REALLY BAD ... ARE YOU REALLY BAD?
63. BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEER HOLDER.
64. MONEY ISN'T THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, BUT IT RATES RIGHT UP THERE WITH OXYGEN.
A PHYSICS LESSON
A man was working at the gas station. He saw a
co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under
ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?"
"It would go out," the other man replied.
"Really?" he asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack
of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extin-
guish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," the co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion
would blow out the match."
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas.
THE WHITE MEXICAN BOY
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom Is
baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over
his face. "Mom,look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in
the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look papa,
I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and
says "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira,
abuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in
the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white
for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?! "
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square ."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, !
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Man: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Man: "Is it common?"
Doc: "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
18. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" The man answers, "Like a glove"
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow
THE "F" WORD
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
~ Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS. Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
~ Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
~Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
~Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
~Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
~Bill Clinton, 1999
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
~Saddam Hussein, 2003
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a 19 year old girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the old man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize that at your age, all that activity can cause a heart attack?"
"Oh, well," says the old man. "If she dies, she dies!?"
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Why those little bastards!"
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: SIGNS OF GETTING OLD
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoe and you're barefoot.
"OLD IS WHEN ... a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
Chapter 3: THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
WIFE AND COP
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can’t you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
JACK AND JILL
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said, You'll like this one !!
"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I said to her
"Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack. So Jill said
"Exactly, and if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will!"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
MUSLIM STANDUP COMIC HUMOR
Who says the Muslims aren't funny? Here are some jokes from that ka-RAY-zee Muslim standup comic! Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for ... Goffak Yussef!
Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.
You, sir, in the front row. Is that a scud missile under your toga or are you just happy to see me?
On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said "occupied."
What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb. None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!
Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians? It bombed!
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!
How come it's so hard to circumcise a Muslim? Because there's no end to those pr*cks!
Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!
Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!
A small plane carrying Yassir Arafat and all his top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!
Two Israelis are in an elevator when the doors open and a Palestinian gets on. After the doors close, the Palestinian lets out a huge, noisy fart. The doors open again and the Palestinian gets off. One Jew looks at the other, wipes his brow and says, "Thank God! Must have been a dud!"
A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm dying to get laid!"
What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."
A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?"
This applies to some Catholic mothers too.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma,guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It's called Debbie Does Dishes.
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother. The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A -(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish Mother's telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
REAL HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY SIMILIES
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a couple of college freshmen on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
ROMANTIC POEMS GONE WRONG
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell".
WHO WAS SPEEDING?
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MICHAEL JACKSON JOKES
Q. Hear about Michael Jackson's new hit single?
A. The boy in jeans is not my lover.
Q. What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A. Michael Jackson has had more noses.
Q. What's black and comes in little white cans?
A. Yup! You got it!
Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A. The In's and Out's of Child Rearing.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson
and a grocery bag?
A. One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.
Q. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A. Get out of my sun.
Q. Hear about the duet Michael Jackson
sung with George Michael?
A. Don't let your son go down on me.
Q. What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
A. They both ride three year olds.
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a cataloge.
Q. What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A. Two 5 year olds.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
Q. When is it time for bed at neverland ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
CATHOLIC BOYS AND THEIR SINS
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Matt Dirney?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you,Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Matthew, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Matthew Dirney, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Matt walks back to his pew. His friend Fred slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Matt.
Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec or McAfee have any solutions for these yet!!!
The Dubya Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
AND THE FAVORITE . The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.
Larry asks his wife Judith what she wanted for their upcoming 30th wedding anniversary. Before she can answer, he suggests jewelry, a diamond necklace they saw at Tiffany's, the other day.
"No, that's not really what I had in mind," Judith replies.
"Well then, how about a new car?" he asks. "I'll get you that new Lexus."
"No, the car I have is just fine!" She sighs.
"How about a trip? We could go on that around-the-world cruise again," Larry suggests. >p> Judith refuses the offer yet again.
"Well, I give up!" Larry says in exasperation. "What do you want for your anniversary?"
"I want a divorce, Larry," she says in a quiet voice.
"Oy vey," Larry responds. "I wasn't planning on spending that much
ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
ABBOTT Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
COSTELLO Sure, I understand.
ABBOTT Now, don't be too quick to say that.
COSTELLO How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
COSTELLO We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
ABBOTT No, no. Precisely is an English word.
COSTELLO I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
ABBOTT Fine. Let's start with mee.
ABBOTT No, mee.
COSTELLO Fine, we'll start with you.
ABBOTT No, we'll start with mee.
COSTELLO Okay, have it your way.
ABBOTT Now, mee is who.
COSTELLO You is Abbott.
ABBOTT No, no, no. Mee is who.
COSTELLO You is Abbott.
ABBOTT You don't understand.
COSTELLO I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
ABBOTT Yes I did. Mee is who.
COSTELLO You is Abbott.
ABBOTT No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
COSTELLO Well, you're a nice enough guy.
ABBOTT No, no. Tell me about mee!
COSTELLO Precisely what?
ABBOTT Precisely who.
COSTELLO It's precisely whom!
ABBOTT No, mee is who.
COSTELLO Don't start that again-go on to something else.
ABBOTT All right. Hu is he.
COSTELLO Who is he?
COSTELLO I don't know. Who is he?
ABBOTT Sure you do. You just said it.
COSTELLO I just said what?
ABBOTT Hu is he.
COSTELLO Who is he?
COSTELLO Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
ABBOTT No, precisely hee.
COSTELLO Precisely he? Who is he?
COSTELLO And what about me?
COSTELLO me, me, me!
ABBOTT Hu, hu, hu!
COSTELLO What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
ABBOTT No, hu is he!
COSTELLO I don't know I maybe he is me!
ABBOTT No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
COSTELLO Do his parents know about this?
ABBOTT About what?
COSTELLO About her!
ABBOTT What about her?
COSTELLO That she is he!
ABBOTT: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
COSTELLO' Then who is he?
COSTELLO Who is she?
ABBOTT No, hu is he.
COSTELLO I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
ABBOTT No, that's not right.
COSTELLO How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
COSTELLO Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
ABBOTT No, hee is she!
COSTELLO Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
ABBOTT Go ahead.
COSTELLO Now first You want to know me is who.
COSTELLO And then you say who is he.
COSTELLO And then you tell me he is she.
COSTELLO Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
ABBOTT That is he!
COSTELLO Who is he?
ABBOTT & COSTELLO Precisely!
COSTELLO I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
COSTELLO: I said Ma.
COSTELLO: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
COSTELLO Not what, who!
COSTELLO Not he! Ma is not he!
ABBOTT Of course not! Hu is he!
COSTELLO: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
ABBOTT Dag is fish.
COSTELLO That's all, I'm outa here.
TWO KIDS TALKING
"My father can run 1000 miles in one day."
"Oh yeah? When my father raises up his hands he can reach the sky."
"Oh yeah? When your father raises his hands into the clouds, does he feel something soft up there?"
"Yeah," he said, "he does."
"Well, those are my father balls."
FRANK IS QUITE A FELLOW
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you
needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always
seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his damned widow.'
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does..."
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.
After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Forwarded Message: Jewish Comedians
From ZeRabbi@aol.com, posted on ExOrthodoxJews YAHOO discussion group:
Wednesday, February 24, 2010 9:39 AM
Funny oneliners by Jewish comics of the "good old days" : Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Myron Cohen, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others.
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much? The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
* Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
* Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
* Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
*Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
* A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered,
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
* Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
* Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
* Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
* Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20 off.
ExOrthodoxJews is a YAHOO discussion group for former members of the Jewish fundamentalist religious experience. You don't have to be Jewish to join but you should be familiar with the major ideas and practices of Judeo-Christian biblical religion.
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