SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET

A Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.

The cashier asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says, "How the fuck should I know?"

A DAY OFF

The teacher says, "Children, today is Friday, and as you know, each Friday, I ask a question and the one who can answer it correctly can have Monday off. My question today is, Who said, "I have a dream"?
Jamal Malik raises his hand.
Yes Jamal, can you tell the class who said that?
Jamal smiles and says, The was Dr Martin Luther King Jr. But teacher, just because a kid answers correctly is no reason to give him the day off on Monday.
From the back of the room, a voice says, Aw shut up, nigger!
The teacher looks around and yells out, Who said that? Tell me right now. Who said that?
From the back of the room, the voice says, Mark Furhman. See you Tuesday.

THE BEST TOAST

Patrick hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Patrick said, "Here's to spending
The rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Patrick!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Patrick won the prize the other night at the pub
With a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
Been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

JEHOVAH'S WITNESS

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find
a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before.

WORD PLAY

1  Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
2  A backward poet writes inverse.
3  A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
4  Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
5  Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
6  Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
7  A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
8  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
9  Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
10 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11 Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
12 Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
13 When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
14 A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
15 What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
16 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
17 In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
18 She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
19 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
20 If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
21 With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
22 When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
23 The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
24 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
25 Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
26 He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
27 Every calendar's days are numbered.
28 A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
29 A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
30 He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
31 A plateau is a high form of flattery.
32 A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium
   large.
33 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
   end.
34 Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
35 Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
36 Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
37 Acupuncture is a jab well done

NEW JEWISH WORDS

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
13. MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius."
14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25. TREYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork

ONE LINERS

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.  Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50.  It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.  I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!  You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."   

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"   

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.  I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."     

My wife has been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan.  I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

THE COW FROM MINSK

 The little village of Chelm in Poland had only one cow and one day it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles or one from Minsk for only 500 rubles. Being thrifty, they naturally bought the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow. It had a wonderful disposition and produced lots of milk, lots of butter and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So much so that the villagers decided they would mate the cow and raise more cows just like it so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

When the cow went in to heat, they went back to Minsk and hired a bull to mate with the cow. They put the bull with the cow in a pasture and let nature take its course. But when the bull came in to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow shifted to the right. She refused to let him mount her. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the villagers decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all, everyone knew the rabbi was very, very wise.

They gathered around him and told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull comes in from the right the cow moves left, and when the bull comes in from the left the cow moves to the right. What should we do?"

The rabbi pondered for a moment and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they cried as one, "you are indeed wise! We never said where we bought the cow! How did you know it came from Minsk?"

Shaking his head, the rabbi said sadly, "My wife is from Minsk".

TWENTY WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS OPEN

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

TWO ARAB TERRORISTS

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt"

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I Tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "NO SHIT?"

God Bless America!

WHERE'S THE MONEY

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has robbed him of ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

JEWISH TRUTHS FOR HUMOR-MINDED ADULTS

Q: What's the title of a horror film for Jewish women?
A: Debby Does The Dusting

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff

Q: In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become human?
A: When it wins a place in medical school

Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggener

Q What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long
A: Nothing at all

Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother

Q: Why did the mohel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 500S convertible

FIRED AND HIRED

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover and says: "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night. So tell me what I did."

His wife said: "You got in an argument with your boss."

"Well, piss on him!", said the man.

She said: "You did. And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!", he said.

"I did", said his wife. "You're back to work on Monday."

AIRPLANE QUESTION

Southwest Airlines has the Answer

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

SMART DOG

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy asks the owner, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.

72 VIRGINS

My name is Martin M. Bodek and I have 72 Questions on the 72 Virgins that Muslims are rewarded with in heaven if they die in holy war.
P.S. These questions are rated "R" for highly suggestive language and evocative imagery.

1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he
stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he
comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get
credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a
menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything
to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are
they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it
cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not
satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their
virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows
himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get
awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the
charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins
for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight
girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they
find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get
72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72
year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does
dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a
supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in
paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women.
What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery?
Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's
unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make
me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72
virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the
virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72
virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation
for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered
two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment
plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the
bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in
paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site
service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

DONT MESS WITH THE WRONG GAL

A stranger walked into a bar. He ordered a drink and looked around seeing only men. He asked the bartender "Where are all the women at?"  

"We don't have any here." came the reply.

"What do you all do for sex?" The stranger asked.

"We do it with the animals."

He asked the bartender, "Y'all really do it to animals?"

"Yeah, we do," he insisted.

The stranger stepped outside and saw a pig run into the alley. He quickly ran a caught the sow by the hind legs and started screwing it.

Midway through, he realized the whole town was watching him in horror.

"My God!" the bartender yelled. "What're you doing?"

"You told me y'all did it with the animals here," the stranger said.

"Yeah," the bartender replied, "but no one fucks the sheriff's girl."

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Q: What is the difference between an Orthodox Jew and a Ku Klux Klan member?

A: The Klan member cuts TWO holes in the sheet.

A JEWISH SMUGGLER'S SUCCESS STORY

In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz, a dentist, fled his native Germany.

He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the limit he could
bring into the U.S.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth.
So Morris explained, "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but,
I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Morris replied, "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but, I am so Orthodox I have separate teeth for
Passover meat and for Passover dairy food...."

The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat
and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

Morris looked around and spoke softly, "To tell you the truth," he said, “once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

BIBLICAL HUMOR

The Hebrew teacher says to her class, "We have recently been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

"Aces," says Sarah.

As the Sabbath School teacher is describing to his class how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, little Rubin interrupts, "My Momma looked back once, while she was driving and she turned into a telephone pole."

POSTING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

At least one of them would take personal offense.

WISHES

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'9", 125 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."

IRISH JOKES

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think my fish got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"


Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.


Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hangin´ meself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".


An American tourist asks Paddy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which he replies:  "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

THE AFGHAN QUARTERBACK

The  coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all  the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he  couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then  one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan ..

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim  soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight  into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He  threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a  chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he  threw another at a passing  car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!"  coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings  him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.

And  the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is  hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what  he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his  mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around  us. The neighborhood is a pile of  rubble. Your two brothers were  beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep  your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!"

FLIGHT TO NEW YORK

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'

Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.

The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'

The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem.

He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.

Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?'

The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'

THE KILLING REFRIGERATOR

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

TELL ME

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."

RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE LINERS
Emailed From Barry Pinchefsky
Wednesday, December 21, 2011 10:09 AM

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect.  I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."  He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection.  My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect.  He keeps barking at the front door.  He don't want to go out.  He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked i! n a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home.  I figured, let my wife come on.  I'll play it cool.  Let her make the first move.  She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake.  He told me, "Wait til it ge! ts warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.  Now I drink in front of a mirror.  I drink too much.  Way too much.  My doctor drew blood.  He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and ! they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me.! My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.  He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't ! know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too.  One day I fell asleep in a library.  I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over.  Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor.  It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying.  I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.  That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew ! a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.  What's wrong with me?  He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."  He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too.  Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd'a had nothing to play with!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!    are they over yet?

WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND?

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

THE COW FROM MINSK

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.
The townspeople did some research and found that they could purchase a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for a mere 500 rubles.
Being frugal, they chose the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced plenty of milk all the time. The people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow, so they could produce more cows just like it. Then, they hoped, it would never again become necessary to worry about their milk supply.
They purchased a bull and placed it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset. They decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.
They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. If he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he approaches from one side, she just walks away to the other side."
The Rabbi pondered the issue for a while. Then he asked, "By any chance, did this cow come from Minsk?"
The people were amazed and dumbfounded, since they had never once mentioned where they had obtained the cow.
"You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know the cow was from Minsk?"
The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride."

COFFEE AND TESTICLES

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that....."

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