Shlomoh's Collected Jokes 17

SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.

CHESS-PLAYING DOG

A guy walks into his apartment and sees his friend playing chess with a dog.
He's amazed.  He says " that dog must be brilliant."
His friend says, "Not really, I beat him 2 out of 3."

LENIN's BUST

An old Jewish man finally got his visa to leave the USSR and emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs official found his bust of Lenin.
"What is that?"
"WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the genius who created our worker's paradise!"
The Soviet official chuckled and let the old man through.
When the old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
"What is that?"
"WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the son-of-a-b*tch! I will display him over my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home!"
The Israeli official laughed and let him through.
When the old man arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
"Who is that?"
"WHO is that?! You mean WHAT is that?! THAT, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"

On Wednesday, November 5, 2014 7:58 pM,  Mike (Doc) Janning sent the following:

IRISH PRIEST

An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas.   
He rose from his bed one morning.  It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.   
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning.  This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yourself.  This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

On Wednesday, November 5, 2014 5:40 pM,   Tish Melone sent the following:

MARRIAGE

Marriage (Part I)
Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
When I want with my old buddies, and don't you
Give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)


Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
Good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
Decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)


Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
Wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
Shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)


Marriage (Part V)
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
To wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
Of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
(MEN ARE NOT EQUIPPED FOR THESE KINDS OF CONTESTS)

On Friday, November 14, 2014 1:25 pM,   Barry Pinchefsky sent the following:

ITALIAN FUNERAL

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching
the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached theItalian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and thismay be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to  her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dogturned on her and killed her also.
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italianbrotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

On Friday, November 14, 2014 8:06 pM,   Tish Melone sent the following:

A JEWISH GRANDMOTHER

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside
and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . ... . ... .. You're coming empty handed?"


WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ....38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?



IRISH BLONDE

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral Of The Story
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,  but all men are men!


GLOBAL FACTS ABOUT SEX

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!


FUNNY PEOPLE

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!’ The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.’
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!’
The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.’
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.’
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting… “Don´t flush, don´t flush!’


Three nurses sneak into the morgue and see a man lying on a slab with a giant hard on. The first nurse says, "this is too good to waste," so she hitches up her dress, climbs on and rides it for all she's worth.
When she finishes, nurse number two also decides it's too good to waste, so she too climbs on and rides with all her might.
When she finishes, they both tell nurse number three to have a go, but she refuses saying that she can't because she's on her period.
After some thought, she decides that it won't matter, as he's dead anyway, so she mounts him and rides until she's exhausted.
As she finishes and climbs off, the man suddenly sits up.
"Oh, we're so sorry," said the nurses, "but we thought you were dead."
"I was," said the man, "but, after two jump-starts and a blood transfusion, I'm feeling better than I've felt in years."


A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I´m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!… the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember…. Fairies are female too!


A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.
The Chief comes up to him and asks:
- What do you want for your first wish?
- I want talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy.
The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt.
The Chief asks him once again:
- What do you want for your second wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy.
Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse´s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later.
The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks:
- So, what do you want for your last third wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy.
He grabs the horse by the ears and yells at it:
- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!LOL

On Wednesday, November 19, 2014 8:03 pM,   Tish Melone sent the following:

CIRCUMCISED

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.  She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.  
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'  


PROBLEM SOLVED

I over-heard two guys in their mid-twenties who were sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired." His buddy says:
"Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
With the wisdom of many years, I said to him, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that."


QUESTION ANSWERED

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older??
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

On Thursday, November 20, 2014 7:04 pM,   Tony Dadika sent the following:

LOOKING FOR WORK

An Italian doctor says: "In Italy, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The Dutch doctor says:That's nothing, in Holland we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Canadian doctor says:"Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You're all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
This joke actually won an award for the best joke in a competition held in Britain.

On Wednesday, November 30, 2014 5:04 PM,   Tish Melone sent the following:

HUNTING

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an
ornery game warden who didn´t like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain´t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky
duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin´ license, boy?’
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain´t no Kentucky duck. This duck´s from Tennessee. You got an
Tennessee license?’
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain´t no Tennessee duck. This here duck´s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia.
huntin´ license?’
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you´re the expert!!’

THE LION TAMER

LEROY: Hey there Rastus, I just got me a new job. I's a lion tamer.
RASTUS: Hey man! Ain't you scared to go into the cage with the lion?
LEROY: No man! I's got me a chair, a whip, and a gun.
RASTUS: What you do with all that?
LEROY: Well, when the lion come at me, I bangs him over the head with the chair.
RASTUS: What happen if that don't stop him?
LEROY: If that don't stop him, I hits him with the whip.
RASTUS: What happen if that don't stop him?
LEROY: If that don't stop him, I shoots him with the gun.
RASTUS: What happen if that don't stop him?
LEROY: If that don't stop him, I throws shit at him.
RASTUS: Where you get shit from?
LEROY: Oh don't worry, brother. There be plenty of shit there if the chair, the whip, and the gun don't get him!

On Friday, December 5, 2014 12:40 AM,   Michelle Kolbe sent the following:

I'S NOT WHAT HE THOUGHT

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

REALLY GOOD FRIENDS

A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced.

His wife screams, "You asshole! My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?"

Husband says: "Cause he's thinking of getting married."

On Sunday, December 7, 2014 7:48 AM,   Ken Bossewitch sent the following:

NINE IMPORTANT FACTS TO REMEMBER AS WE GROW OLDER:

Number 9   -   Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8   -   Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7   -   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6   -   Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich or a muffin.
Number 5   -   Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4   -    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3   -    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2   -    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1   -    Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
                ...and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
"The Senility Prayer"
God grant   me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

On Wednesday, December 10, 2014 7:57 PM,  Emily Lowenstein sent the following:

PILOTS

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant, who was sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female!' 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

Quote of the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.

We're flexible like that!

On Saturday, December 13, 2014 7:57 PM,   Barry Pinchefsky sent the following:

PHILOSOPHY OF POLITICS

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~

On Tuesday, December 30, 2014,Barry Pinchefsky sent the following:

THINGS WE LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers .
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
7. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
8. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
9. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
10. Spring ahead; fall back; winters in Boca.
11. Gentiles leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
12. Always whisper the names of diseases.
13. If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
14. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
15. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
17. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.


SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:

Under the same management for over 5,774 years.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

SIGN OVER THE URINAL IN A BATHROOM AT HEBREW UNIVERSITY:
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."


MORE JEWISH STUFF

1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury  duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami  on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices? "Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she  replied.
. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr . Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."
. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one  word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi  announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and  forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter
rom someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter."
6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a  long, slow "OY." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets  out a long, slow "OY." The third takes a deep breath and says  impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to
alk about our children."
7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of  Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?
8. A Jewish man considered becoming Roman Catholic but when he  tried going to confession, the Jew in him came out. He brought a  lawyer with him.

On Wednesday, December 24, 2014, Tish Melone sent the following:

The person that put this descriptions of Jesus together did a good job. Amen to that! I especially enjoyed the ending!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an AMEN?

On Thursday, January 15, 2015, Tish Melone sent the following:

VIAGRA DOES THAT?

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

On Thursday, January 15, 2015, Barry Pinchefsky sent the following:

MISSING SHOVEL

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I  noticed a Muslim, sneaking through my next door neighbor's  garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the  head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished I got back into bed. Carol, my lovely wife said,  "Warren, what is it?
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "that son  of a bitch next door still has my shovel."

On Friday, January 16, 2015, Tish Melone sent the following:

PHYLLIS DILLER

Some wisdom from Phyllis Diller-

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your  beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is  like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them  would never wear the same outfit in public. -Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. -Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.  Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is  the only thing that keeps some parents going. -Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,  a bank has just been robbed. -Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives  teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years  telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. -Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for  a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally  got gin in the steam iron.(Why didn't I think of this  yesterday!) -Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. -Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me. -Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle  - keep away from children. -Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three  hours ago it was grass.' -Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so  you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. -Phyllis Diller

On Saturday 17, 2015, Tish Melone sent the following:

RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady
alks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?". I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a
efrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell  phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I
an't afford one.  So I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
eople didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when  you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired
o bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and  call it 'Pumping Rust'.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have  you got a cat?'  Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for  company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in  case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole  lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were  cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together ... and then crap on your  car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by  then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good  friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to  buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell  when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'  together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying  about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want  people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way  and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or  leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my  mouth.

On Jan 24, 2015, Barry Pinchefsky sent the following:

TRUE STORIES

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

HE DROPPED DEAD

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws.
Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants.
 Goldberg declares : "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

AN AMAZING DISCOVERY

"I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead.
To top it off, it was raining so I couldn't go for a walk, bike, or run.
The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remember that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.

On Monday February 9 at 4:19 PM, Tish Melone sent the following:

PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE FALL

Jack and Sam, two friends met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.  

One day Jack didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it  and figured maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Jack  hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the  park, Sam didn't know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find  out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of  Jack but one day, Sam approached the park and, lo and behold!,  there sat Jack!  

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud , Jack what in the world  happened to you?'

Jack replied, 'I´ve been in jail.'  Jail!' cried Sam.  What in the world for?'  

'Well,'  Jack said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at  the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'  Yeah,' said Sam, 'I  remember her.  What about her?  

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed  rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud  that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.  

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'   

On Feb 14, 2015, Akiva Bossewitch sent the following:

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

"Attention Passengers, This is your pilot speaking. Due to the adverse weather conditions and turbulence, I have to ask a dozen passengers to jump.  To be fair, I will go in alphabetic order.
Are there any African American passengers?  .... (No response.)
Are there any Black passengers?                     ... (No response.)
Are there any Colored passengers?                 .... (No response.)"
A young boy asks his mother:
"Mama, aren't we Afro-American, Black, or Colored".
His mother responds:
My child, in this plane, we are SHVARTZES.

IT'S AN EFFING SHAME!

A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said.  'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.  'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?", she asked.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee.  He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.  The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid!  Just terrible, doctor!'
Really?  What happened?' asked the doctor.
Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.  He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin'  jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

On Monday February 11 at 9:02 AM, Tish Melone sent the following:

Tish Melone 2/11/14 at 9:02 AM

Why We Love Children .......

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but  it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the  child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst'  and it didn't move'   

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into  mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into  Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and  in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For  Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light
hen he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me  tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The  big sissy.'   

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very  pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on  microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'   

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'   

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'   

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'' .   

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'   

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'   

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her,  'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get big boobs too.'   

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