People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of some signs seen around the world:

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
Winston Churchill, in response. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." Oscar Wilde

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

THE ARAB AND THE OLD JEW PLAY A GAME

The old Jew politely declines.
The Arab persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
He says to the Jew, "If I ask you a question and you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.
If you ask me a question, and I don't know the answer, I pay you $500!"

So the Jew reluctatly agrees to play the game.

The Arab asks the first question. "What's the distance from The Earth to Jupiter?"
The old Jew doesn't know the answer so he hands the Arab a five-dollar bill.

Now the Jew asks the Arab, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The Arab uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He hands the old Jew $500. The old Jew pockets the $500 and says nothing.

Now the Arab is going nuts not knowing the answer. He asks the Jews, "So what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Jew says, "I don't know", and hands the Arab $5.

Don't play games with Jews unless you are very smart.

HOW OLD AM I

Two old Jews are sitting around the retirement home.

MAX: I'll bet you can't guess how old I am.
IRVING: Sure I can. But you have to give me some help.
MAX: OK. What do I have to do?
IRVING: Pull down your pants.
MAX: Right here in the lobby?
IRVING: Yeah. You want me to guess your age, right? So pull down your pants.
MAX: OK. What's next?
IRVING: Pull down your underpants.
MAX: OK. What else?
IRVING: Bend over and stick your fingers up your ass.
MAX: OK, my fingers are up my ass. What now?
IRVING: I say you are 95 years old.
MAX: That's amazing. How did you guess?
IRVING: You told me how old you are yesterday.

THE OLD NUN AND THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why"?

The worker yelled back, "Cuz his wife's here with his lunch!"

BOTTLE OF WINE

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished,
but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This
must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for
the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed
to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.  

She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to
the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

JUST ENOUGH VIAGRA

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra. 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'  

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96,' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection.  I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee  on my slippers

HE'S STUPID

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger on top of his wife.

He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"

His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

HER HUSBAND

A blonde couple were napping after an afternoon of making love in bed, when suddenly a car pulled up outside.

The girl whispers, "Quick get moving, that's my husband!"

The blond husband jumps out of bed, rushes to the window and suddenly stops dead. "What d'ya talking about? I AM your husband!"

RESERVATIONS

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

SPICING UP SEX LIFE

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one en-gaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

CHANUKABLANCA
by Joe Hample (sung to the tune of "As Time Goes By" from "Casablanca")

You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.

With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As time goes by.

Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes someone has to grate.
One flame in the window,
keep counting till there's eight
To light the winter sky.

In the Bronx or in the Mission,
It's still the same tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.

Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Semitic glories to relate.
Blue-and-white giftwrap, ain't this country great,
And festive chazerai!

It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry.
December's when I feel most Jewish,
As time goes by

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

To APPRECIATE a JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

The SCIENCE of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER - "It looks like a tornado swept through your room."

To SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

The CIRCLE of LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MEDICINE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

To THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

To MEET a CHALLENGE - "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"

HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

To BECOME an ADULT - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

GENETICS - "You are just like your father!"

ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

WISDOM of AGE - "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until your father gets home."

RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get home."

And the all time favorite thing… JUSTICE - "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU. Then you'll see what it's like."

A BIBLICAL GUIDE TO THE SCHOOL SCENE

 
*Room Numbers*
         Remove not the ancient landmark.
                                                        (Proverbs XXII, 28)
*Nurse's Room*
         Is there no balm in Gilead?  Is there no physician there?
                                                        (Jeremiah VIII, 22)
*Scheduling*
         My times are in thine hand.
                                                          (Psalms XXXI, 15)
*Hall Passes*
         More to be desired are they than gold.
                                                           (Psalms XIX, 10)
*Excuses for Tardiness*
         I said in my haste, All men are liars.
                                                          (Psalms CXVI, 11)
*Smoking in the Lavatory*
         Man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward.
                                                                 (Job V, 7)
*Dress Code*
         Even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
                                                           (Matthew VI, 29)
*Seating Chart*
         There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
                                                       (Proverbs XVIII, 24)
*Changes in the Seating Chart*
         He that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.
                                                        ((Proverbs XVII, 9)
*Lunch Menus*
         We have here but five loaves and two fishes.
                                                         (Matthew XIII, 17)
*Dismissal*
         And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty
         wind.
                                                               (Acts II, 2)
*Students (as teachers see them)*
         Vain is the help of man.
                                                            (Psalms LX, 11)
*Teachers (as students see them)*
         She came to prove him with hard questions.
                                                             (1 Kings X, 1)
*School Disciplinarian*
         The king of terrors.
                                                            (Job XVIII, 14)
*Guidance Counselor*
         A friend of publicans and sinners.
                                                           (Matthew XI, 19)
*Basketball Coach*
         Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
                                                           (Matthew VI, 27)
*Orchestra Instructor*
         He was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
                                                           (Genesis IV, 21)
*Chorus Instructor*
         They that carried us away captive required of us a song.
                                                        (Psalms CXXXVII, 3)
*Study Hall*
         Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the
         hands to sleep.
                                                          (Proverbs VI, 10)
*Homework*
         I will not give sleep to mine eyes or slumber to mine eyelids.
                                                         (Psalms CXXXII, 4)
*Tests*
         Study to be quiet and to do your own business.
                                                   (1 Thessalonians IV, 11)
*Report Cards*
         Thou renderest to every man according to his work.
                                                          (Psalms LXII, 12)
*Parent-Teacher Conferences*
         Your fathers, where are they?
                                                           (Zechariah I, 5)
*Graduation*
         Another book was opened, which is the book of life.
                                                        (Revelation XX, 12)

MARTIAN LOVE

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

PLEASE EXCUSE MY CHILD FROM SCHOOL TODAY
Supposedly real notes written by parents.

Dear School: Please excuse my child for missing school.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

WHO OWNS THIS RESTAURANT

A man walked into a restaurant to have dinner. His friends had told him that the restaurant was owned by the Mafia but he didn't believe them.

When the waiter approached him, he said, "Excuse me. There's just one thing I want to make sure of before I order. Is this restaurant owned by the Mafia or not?"

"Of course not!", the waiter smilingly assured him. "That's just plain ridiculous, sir."

"Alright! Good!", said the man. "Ok, now you can tell me what the special of the day is."

"Well sir", the waiter replied, "the specialty of the house is broken leg of lamb."

WHERE'S EVE

Adam was walking in the Farden of Eden one day when he heard God calling down to him, "Adam! Where is Eve?"

"Oh", replied Adam, "she is taking a bath in in the ocean."

"Oh no!", said God, "Now I'll NEVER be able to get that smell out of all those fish!"

TWO OLD RETIRED FRIENDS

The two little old ladies had been very long-time close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived, she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen!"

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

HEAR NO EVIL

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said,

"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my Will three times!"

MOISHY BEHAVES

Little Moishy, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in school. He had a severe behavior problem. His parents tried everything to make him behave: punishment, grounding, etc.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Moishy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic parochial school. After the first day, little Moishy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Moishy was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

Finally, little Moishy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. To his mother's great surprise, little Moishy got an "A" in behavior. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Moishy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Moishy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I looked up and saw some guy nailed to the wall, I just knew they weren't messing around!"

IT'S NOT PMS

The doctor tells his patient: "Patricia, I have some good news and some bad news."

Patricia asks for the good news first.

"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."

"And the bad news?" Patricia asks.

To which the Doctor replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."

Who'S THE FATHER?

One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant.

The second guy says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?"

The first guy says, "How the hell should I know? Do you think that I have eyes in the back of my head?"

COUNTERPRODUCTIVE PICK UP LINES

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.

2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?

3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.

4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?

5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

IT'S TIME TO START SWEARING

"It's about time" - A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?"

The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

STRICT POLICY

A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in.

She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?"

He says, "Well, Yes," so she begins to disrobe.

When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?"

He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on.

"What the Hell?", the Texan asks.

Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".

BIG FEET

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen.

The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet (...big feet, big U KNOW what ...).

"Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him.

The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.

Blushing, he says, "Shucks, ma'am, I'm flattered, nobody ever paid me for my services before."

The woman said, "Well don't be. Just take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!

ABBOTT: ULTIMATE SUPERDUPER COMPUTER STORE. CAN I HELP YOU?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?>

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

ON KISSING THE PAPAL RING

"I used to think that popes wore underpants in the bath because they hated to look down on the unemployed (which was why, presumably, the Vatican had decreed St Michael to be the patron saint of M&S underwear), but I recently discovered that papal genitalia have traditionally been anything but redundant.

Pope John Paul I was allegedly so obsessed with pornography (of which the Vatican library has an unrivalled collection) that he passed away while twanging the wire, and history contains a lengthy list of pontiffs who died during sexual congress.

Pope Leo VII had a fatal heart attack during copulation, Pope John VII was murdered by the cuckolded husband of the woman he was in bed with at the time, while Pope John XIII died of a poker up the tradesman's entrance, inserted there by another irate husband. As for Pope Paul II, he expired while being sodomized (and more) by a page boy, which sounds to me like a case of taking the kissing of the papal ring just a little too far."

Victor Lewis-Smith, Evening Standard (30 July 2003)

PREACHER AND CAB DRIVER

A preacher and a cab driver both died the same day and went to Heaven.

When they arrived at the gate St Peter greeted them. The cab driver got there first so Peter gave him his Beautiful Robe all shinny and a Beautiful set of wings to go with it. Wow; the preacher thought to himself; if he got all that just being a cab driver, then think of how beautiful my robe and wings will be since I am a preacher!

Peter called the preacher up front to get his robe and wings. His robe was a simple cotton robe and his wings were sort of small compared to the cab drivers wings.

Bewildered by the happenings the preacher decided to ask Peter what happened. So he went back to Peter and asked him Why did the cab driver get such a Beautiful robe and wings and HE, a preacher, got simple cotton?

Peter smiled and replied: "When You preached people went to sleep. When HE drove they prayed."

LOVERS LANE

A cop was patrolling late one night in a well-known spot called, "Lovers' Lane." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window ... Uh, yes, officer?

What are you doing?

Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir .."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. alone, in a car, at night .. in a lovers' lane .. and nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 21, sir..."

"And her .. what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."