SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
50 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea."

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

DOGGY COMPLAINTS

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem.

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if f I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch

REMEMBER MOSES

Don't let your worries get the Best of you; remember, Moses started Out as a basket case.

THE HUNTING TRIP

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and hunting trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well,I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want." So here I am.

GEORGE W BUSH IN HELL

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this!" The devil smiled and said... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the
influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's
license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and
is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a
drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas
Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in
Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil
in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I
bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land
using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil
industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making
Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston
replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in
borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American
history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over
500,000 votes.
I proclaimed one day a year as Jesus Day for the state, completely insulting
all non-Christian citizens of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal
record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one
billion dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any
12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.
stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost
their jobs and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any
administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice,
has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends,
Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S.
History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to
assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation
or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica
Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history. I! presided over the biggest energy crisis in
U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President
in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in
the history of the United States government.
I've broken mor! e international treaties than any President in U.S.
history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove
the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees
and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Conv! ention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President
since the ad! vent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year
period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the
worst security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade
Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated
country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for
protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did
so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens,
and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty
benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking
Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%)
view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to
justice.!

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's
library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President,
attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and
unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004!

THE RABBI'S ASS

A rabbi wanted to raise money for his synagogue and on being told there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: RABBI'S ASS SHOWS.

The rabbi was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: RABBI'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Shul president was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the rabbi not to enter the donkey in another race. Then next day, the local paper headline read: SHUL PRESIDENT SCRATCHES RABBI'S ASS

This was too much for the Shul president, so he ordered the rabbi to get rid of the donkey. The rabbi decided to give it to the rebbetzin. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: REBBETZIN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Shul president fainted. He informed the rebbetzin that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: REBBETZIN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Shul president, so he ordered the rebbetzin to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

Headlines read: REBBETZIN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Shul president was buried the next day

Is Bush Gay? Click HERE to see

Y'ALL COME AND VOTE NOW
(Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" Theme Song) -

Come & listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero & his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out w/ student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay @ home w/ Mom."
Let the common people get maimed & scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later Georgie gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends & they called the GOP.
Republicans, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted, five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come VOTE now! Ya hear?

HOW A GEEK TELLS HIS CHILD ABOUT SEX

Son Says: Daddy, how was I born?

Dad Says: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.

WHO SAYS COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. .....Sign here.

DIVORCE DOLL

What's a divorce Barbie?

She comes with Ken's house, car, bank account, etc. etc.

INFREQUENTLY

An older couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage.

But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would or could really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" He asked bravely.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The older gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he said..."Was that one word or two?"

FARSHTEY?

Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green. She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?'

The man answers, "Yes, ich farshtay."

Sadie then says, "Vot time is it?"

A WISE RABBI

A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father about use of the family car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father about his use of the car. The Rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

AT THE RED LIGHT

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

THE LAW FIRM OF SCHWARTZ, SCHWARTZ, SCHWARTZ, AND SCHWARTZ

A man called the the law firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz, and Schwartz

Hello! I wish to speak with Mr. Schwartz.

He is retired. No longer with our firm.

Then may I speak with Mr. Schwartz?

He is on vacation and won't be back till next week.

Then might I please speak with Mr. Schwartz?

Sorry. He is on the phone with an important client.

Well then, is it possible to speak with Mr. Schwartz?

Speaking!

SAY WHAT?

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor
play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable
occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

THIS IS WHAT VCRS ARE FOR

You may not have noticed the problem facing Boston/NY area Jews this September. The upcoming critical Red Sox - Yankees series at Fenway Park starts the same night as Kol Nidre. This has put many local fans into a quandary.

A very distressed Red Sox fan goes to his rabbi.

"Rabbi," he says, "I don't know what to do. I know that tomorrow night is Kol Nidre, but the Red Sox are playing the Yankees and Pedro Martinez is pitching."

The rabbi smiles. "That's alright. It's for nights like this that God invented VCRs."

"Really?" the man said, his face lighting up, "I can tape Kol Nidre?"

THOSE WHO DIED IN THE SERVICE

One Rosh Hashanah morning, the Rabbi noticed little Adam was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue.

It was covered with names, and mounted between small American flags .

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Adam." "Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Rabbi Goldberg, what is this?" Adam asked.

"Well, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?"

SAME NAME

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry.He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop.

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. ! The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answered, "Ah, everybody asks me that. It's the name of the owner." Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me."

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"It's simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, I was standing in line at the documentation center. The man in front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, 'What is your name?'"

He answered "Moishe Plotnik."

Then she looked at me and said, "What is your name?"

I said, "Sam Ting."

TWO DRUG PUSHERS

There were 2 drug pushers who kept on getting in trouble with the samejudge. One day they appeared in his court room and he got exasperated. He said, "You 2 are always in here and I am tried of seeing you. I should throw the book at you but i am going to give you one more chance. I want you to go to your customers and get themn off drugs. Be back in this courtroom one month from today and tell me how many junkies you got off drugs."

A month later, the drug pushers were back in the judge's courtroom.

"So", said the judge to the first pusher, "How many junkies did you get to stop using drugs?"

He said, "One hundred, your honor."

"That's wonderful", said the judge. "How did you do that?"

"Well", said pusher number one, "I took out this dime and this half dollar and I said to them, 'See this half dollar? This is the size of your brain before you use drugs. See this dime? This is the size of your brain after you use drugs.' Well, your honor, 100 junkies stopped using drugs on the spot."

"Great!", said the judge. "Now, you, pusher number two; how many junkies did you get off drugs this month?"

"One thousand, your honor", answered number 2.

"Wow!", said the judge. "Your partner only got 100 people off drugs. How did you manage to get 1000 off drugs in just a month?"

"Well, your honor," said pusher number two. "I took out this dime and I took out this half dollar and I said them, 'You see this dime? This is the size of your asshole before you go to jail."

MIRROR, MIRROR

Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue.

WHICH ONE IS JESUS?

A priest and a rabbi are talking on a street corner.

Priest: "If you need anything, just ask. I'm Jesus Christ returned to earth."

Raabi "That can't be, because I'm a Jew and I am JC himself returned."

A passing drunk hears the argument and blurts out, "Youse are both wrong. I'm Jesus Christ, 'n I can prove it. Follow me."

He leads them around the corner and enters the bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Jesus Christ, you back again?"

THE BLIND MAN WITH THE YIDDISH ACCENT

A lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to take a bite when she turns to the man at the table next to her.

"Pardon me, sir" she says, "Your napkin has fallen on the floor."

"Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt."

He reaches down to find his napkin. Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has spilled any food on his shirt.

"Hardly at all," she answers, "just a few cracker crumbs."

"Tanks, again, Missus," he replies, brushing them off. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."

A few moments later, he inquires again, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replies.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Do you tink I'm ugly?"

"You're quite presentable," she replies. "That shouldn't be a problem."

Smiling now, he exults, "Vat a relief. I vas alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."

A few more moments pass and the lady speaks up. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks.

"Soitenly! Listen, I vill take all de help vat you got," he answers.

"Lose the Yiddish accent." she replies. "You're a SHVARTSA."

THE TORAH WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Torah in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Torah to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Torah in your lap. Open the Torah; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Torah will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice. The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?"he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Torah in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

YA GOTTA LOVE LITTLE TONY [now would you guess this was from a guy?]

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH II

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR II

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

LITTLE TONY ASKS GRANDMA

Little TONY had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little TONY just said, 'Oh, Okay' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.


True Bravery

True bravery is arriving home late after a night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?

GHOSTS OF PRESIDENTS PAST

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.

Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises and fades away.

The next night Bush is astir again and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.
Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution as I did," Jefferson advises and dims from sight.

The third night, sleep is still not in the cards for Bush.
He awakens to see the ghost of F.D.R. hovering over his bed.
Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows.
It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Abe replies, "Go see a play."

IDLE THOUGHTS

1. I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
2. I had amnesia once -- or twice.
3. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
4. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
5. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy.
6. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses
sidesaddle.
7. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
8. They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
9. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
10. Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long.
11. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is
gone.
12. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
13. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other
people.
14. When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
look like a nail.
15. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
16. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
17. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
19. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
20. How can there be self-help "groups"?
21. Is there another word for synonym?
22. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
23. The speed of time is one-second per second.
24. Is it possible to be totally partial?
25. What's another word for thesaurus?
26. Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
27. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?
28. Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll
show you a man who can't get his pants off.
29. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
30. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

THE WRONG QUESTION

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.

Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"

"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.

Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."

One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"

"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze!"

"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.

"A circumcision." The first kid reply's woefully.

The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a whole year!"

WHO IS THIS?

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious.
Here she is in the middle of her first run for President. Now this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming at him.
"How could you do this to me? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
I can't believe this! I've just found out that I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice in a barely audible whisper; he asks: "Who is this speaking?"

SEX ON SABBATH

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, 'My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.'

The man thinks: ' What does a priest know about sex?'

So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, ' My son, sex is definitely play.' The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?' The Rabbi softly speaks, 'If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

PRIESTS ON VACATION

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

COUPLE IN A PARKED CAR

A car is parked at night on a deseted stretch of road. A cop car comes alongside it. The cop gets out and shines his light into it. he sees a young man and a young woman inside.

The cop asks the young man, "What are you two doing"?

The man replies, "She is knitting and I'm listening to the radio."

"That's all you're doing?", asks the cop.

"Yup", says the young man.

The cop aks the man, "How old are you?"

"I'm 22", he replies.

"And how old is she?" asks the cop.

The young man looks at his watch and says with a smile, "She'll be 18 in ten minutes."

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