SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
72 WHATS?

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing! In unbearable pain an Angel appeared.

Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you up here. What did you think I said?"

RELIGIOUS ARTICLES Abie and Sadie had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the lower east side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Hispanics were moving in.

"Abie, we have to move to Westchester ," said Sadie.

"We can't", said Abie. "This neighborhood is our life. We've been here for thirty-three years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too."

Sadie says, What? Catholic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? We're Jews. No Catholic articles!!!"

Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Sadie agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to Abie, "OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue ."

Abie: "Hello, Catholic Supply House on Park Avenue ? This is Abie And Sadie's on Delancey Street . I want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call them, rosaries? 500 crucifixes... and I need those things here tomorrow."

"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But, tomorrow we don't deliver... ...it's Shabbos."

AL QAEDA AND REDNECK ROMANCES

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following children:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple:

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

ROBOT BAR TENDER

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,

space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,

so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

HAS OUTSOURCING GONE TOO FAR?

A man is so depressed that he starts thinking about committing suicide.  
So he calls the Suicide Hotline and his call is routed to a call center in Gaza.
When he tells the phone counselor he is suicidal, the counselor gets all excited and askes him if he knows how to drive a truck.

CATHOLIC HIERARCHY

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.  The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
 
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
 
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal, when he walks into a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
 
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people call him "Your Holiness'."
 
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well......?"
 
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips, when she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

The shortest Fairy-Tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up.

                                       THE END

SIMPLE QUIZ

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A. Look inside your pants; If you have a dick, it's not time.

JEWISH BARBIE
Mattel Announces New Jewish Barbie Line
EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA - [TheKnish.com]

In an effort to prop up lagging sales for their Barbie doll and Ken doll line, Mattel has targeted the little Jewish girl market with Barbie dolls that reflect Jewish culture.

Kollel Barbie comes with several jobs as her accessories and a tummy that inflates and deflates in nine month cycles. Kollel Ken comes with a bench to sit on and a table to put his gemara on. Ken's head fits perfectly into the contours of the gemorah accessory and is equipped to drool and snore away the day while Barbie tends to the babies and her 17 jobs.

Hasidic Barbie comes with permanent stockings and is bald, but you'll never know because it's covered with a state-of-the-art shaytel and pillbox hat. Hasidic Ken comes with downward-looking eyes because he's not allowed to look at other dolls.

Yeshivish Barbie comes with 84 snoods, 174 hats, 24 non-Indian hair shaytels and one tichel that allows her hair to show a bit when she's feeling naughty. Yeshivish Ken comes with one suit, one crumpled hat, and one pair of tzitzis that drag on the ground.

Modern Barbie comes with pants, plus a helmet and body armor to protect her from the stones thrown at her by ultra-orthodox Ken dolls that come with the Meah Shearim playset.

Upper West Side of New York City Barbie comes with 74 single Ken dolls she considers friends because she doesn't think of them "that way." Little does she know that 37 of the Ken dolls have like this totally huge crush on her. She also comes with Kleenexes to wipe away the tears that she sheds every time Skipper reminds her that "Friends" is over.

These new dolls, with their controversial accessories, did not go uncontested. Several organizations, including the Anti Defamation Kollel League, the Anti Defamation Hasidic League, the Anti Defamation Yeshivish League, the Anti Defamation Modern League and the Anti Defamation Upper West Side of New York City League have voiced concern over the stereotypes these dolls represent.

In a press release, Mattel said, "Tough noogies! Just WAIT till we come out with Nidah Barbie! We KNOW that's gonna push some buttons!"

MID-EAST MYSTERY?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now:

No Jesus, No Walmart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties.

No Home Depot.

No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.

More than one wife.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies.

No Christmas.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, .... Is There a Mystery Here?

FAMOUS SEX QUOTES

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes ... , di * vorce \ de-'vo(e)rs , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

RIDDLES

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his @rse!

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up!

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl!

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating!

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!

Q: Why are women and Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in!

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house!

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the US!

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you!

Q: What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home!"

Q: Why don't they teach Highway Code and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel!

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole pr1ck!

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job!

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb!

Q: How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A: Pleasing!

Q: How do little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand!

Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself!

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope!

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, and your meat, but you just can't beat a blow job!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board!

Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife!

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'!

Q: What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead!

THOU SHALT SEE TV
NEW YORK TIMES
By ROB KUTNER
OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
June 24, 2004
Rob Kutner is a writer for "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart."
Copyright 2004 The New York Times Company

Inspired by the runaway success of religion-themed novels like the "Left Behind" series and Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ," broadcasters are devoting more of their prime-time schedules to shows dealing with God, faith and the afterlife.

CSI: HOLY LAND (CBS) Liked "The Passion" but didn't think it dwelled on the forensics enough? The trail to Damascus is still warm for these detectives, investigating unsolved martyrdoms as to whether they qualify the victim for sainthood. Not so much a whodunit as a who-gets-beatified-for-it.
CHASTITY & SLOTH (ABC) One regards the body as a sacred temple of the divine. The other lies idle, reaping not the fruits of human industry. And now they're . . . roommates?
TUCKED BY AN ANGEL (CBS) Combining America's love of both the supernatural and the superficial, this epidermally searing drama follows a mysterious figure who moves from town to town, solving people's appearance problems, then moving on.
GODVILLE (WB) Moses begging Pharaoh to let him use the chariot. Samson being ordered to cut his hair and get a job. Jesus sulking over having to do "another stupid healing." It's all your favorite Biblical figures — back when they were still teens.
AMERICAN DESTROYER OF IDOLS (FOX) Simon Cowell gets religion, a green card — and an AK-47.
SODOMITE EYE FOR THE MAN RIGHTEOUS BEFORE THE LORD (BRAVO) Identical to "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," except that each episode ends with the Fab Five being stoned to death. (Note: working title.)
THE DISCIPLE (NBC) Sixteen of America's most pious compete to satisfy the increasingly personal whims of the great master Sri Chanamasala (né Larry Schwarzbaum of Canarsie). Who will be the one this week to get "deprogrammed"?
YAHWEH SCHMO (SPIKE) In this first-ever "divine reality" show, a group of actors seeks to fool the Omnipotent Lord of Creation (currently being "retooled").
SHARE YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO) Larry David becomes a born-again Christian, then goes around annoying people in an entirely new way.

LECTURE AT THE RUSSIAN WAR COLLEGE

At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 300 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"

WHAT'S FOR SUPPER, HONEY?

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.

"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So, off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"

To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"

S AND M

One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage-S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

KEEP SAYING IT

One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

MAKE IT HAPPEN - VOTE and get others to vote, too.

SPEAKING TO MEN IN A POLITICALLY CORRECT MANNER

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He does not PUT IT ABOUT - He prefers DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

SIGNS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

Septic Tank Truck sign reads: "We're #1 in the #2 business".

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital, entrance to colonoscopies room: "To expedite your visit,please back in."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Come in and pick your nose."

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de- lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak"

DEMOCRATS ARE SEXY!
Who ever heard of a great piece of elephant?

STOP MAD COWBOY DISEASE!

WE DIDN'T ELECT HIM...
WE DON'T HAVE TO KEEP HIM

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON --
ONE TERM ONLY

THE LAST TIME SOMEONE LISTENED TO A BUSH,
FOLKS WANDERED IN THE DESERT FOR 40 YEARS!

DON'T BLAME AMERICA
WE VOTED FOR GORE!

SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS...
A VILLAGE IS MISSING ITS IDIOT

PRESIDENT BUSH IS AN OXYMORON

NO ONE DIED WHEN CLINTON LIED

SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT!
PLANT A BUSH BACK IN TEXAS

LIBRARIANS FOR LAURA...
One reader in the Bush family seems to be enough

Gore 50,999,897. Bush 50,456,002
RE-DEFEAT BUSH!

BUSH IS A WEAPON OF MASS-DECEPTION!

For GEORGE W. BUSH
EX-PRESIDENT IN 2004

WHO KNEW JEB WAS THE SMART ONE?

REGIME CHANGE BEGINS AT HOME!

READ BETWEEN THE PIPELINES...

BAD PASSWORD

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effort to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p e n i s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

HOW MANY DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced.

One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb.

One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb.

One to arrange the invasion of a country rumoured to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.

One to get together with the Vice President and figure out how to pay Halliburton one million dollars for a light bulb without divulging this publicly.

One to arrange with some other fawning heads of government to join the alliance against faulty light bulbs with the call that you are either with us or against us in the dark.

One to contact the Australian government and tell them to issue untrue statements about the light bulb.

One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in the American flag.

And finally....

One to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Now, how many is that?

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I LoveYou"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

THE MARTYR

Never under estimate the power of a woman:

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. Don't ask why...

The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and that after all men were the superior sex and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

"What Russian winters?" -- Napoleon Bonaparte.
"Hydrogen is flammable?" -- the pilot of the Hindenburg.
"There are no icebergs in the North Atlantic this time of year." -- the captain of the Titanic.
"She's 14?" -- Jerry Lee Lewis.
"He's 14?" -- Michael Jackson.
"If as a matter of daily routine I had been reading and reacting to the newspaper's published corrections as closely and quickly as I should have, I would have noticed Jayson's pattern of playing fast and loose with the facts and made inquiries." -- Howell Raines, former executive editor of the New York Times.
"Guns for hostages?" -- Ronald Reagan.
"I was out of the loop." -- George H.W. Bush
"That's sex?" -- Bill Clinton.
"A whiff of grapeshot from the Royal Navy and these brigands will run back to their farms." -- George III.
"What, no flowers?" -- Paul Wolfowitz.
"How many Indians?" -- Gen. George Custer.
And, of course:
"Don't worry, it's a slam-dunk." -- George Tenet
-- Joel Garreau, with staff contributions
© 2004 The Washington Post Company

EASY MATCHMAKING (THE JEWISH WAY)

A match-maker goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The match-maker responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Ah, in that case..."
Next, the match-maker approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the match-maker goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case.;!"

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?" 12. "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!" 13. "Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off." 14. "What's this doing here?" 15. "I hate it when they're missing stuff in here." 16. "That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!" 17. "Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us." 18. "Sterile, shcmedle. The floor's clean, right?"

Is Bush Gay? Click HERE to see

THE HOMO AGENDA   

I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it.  A copy was finally obtained directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:   

6:00 AM Gym and Tanning Bed   
8:00 AM Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)   
9:00 AM Hair Appointment   
10:00 AM Shopping   
12:00 PM Brunch (Salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa)   
2:00 PM   
(1) Assume complete control of the US Federal, State, and Local Governments, as well as all other national governments;   
(2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle;   
(3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages;   
(4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;   
(5) Establish planetary chain of "homo-breeding gulags", where overmedicated imprisoned straight women are turned into   
artificially-impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership;   
(6) Bulldoze all houses of worship; and,
(7) Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.   
2:30 PM Get beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles caused by the stress of world conquest.   
3:30 PM Protein Shake   
4:00 PM Tea Dance   
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, and skinless chicken breast, with a crisp Chardonnay)   
8:00 PM Theatre   
11:00 PM Bed du Jour   

[This originally found at http://www.laffaday.com - January 3, 2008]

MUSIC TO OUR EARS

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer   chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breasts. The music is in stereo, of course.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

THAT'S JUST CRAZY

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house. The first business-man says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."

She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such mishugunah?"

DIVORCE LETTER

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,,,,,,,,, I'm gone.

Signed,
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

INDIAN IN TRAINING

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:  "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.   What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others

to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

UNFAITHFUL

An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.

The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?"

"No, sorr."

"Does he keep you short of money?"

"No, sorr."

"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"

"No, sorr."

"Is he unfaithful to you?"

"Ah, we've got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."

SQUIRRELS

There were Five country places of worship in a small TEXAS

The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels .

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with a unique solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

The Jewish Synagogue, took one squirrel and had a short circumcision service and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

ASKING THE RABBI TO STAY

The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one  wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"   

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"   

More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!"   

There is total silence.   

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"  Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said, "Fuck that Rabbi."

THE TAPEWOM

A fellow walked into his doctor's office complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.   

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.   

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.   

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."   

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.   

"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.   

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed it up the patient's ass.   

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.   

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next... Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie.   

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."   

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.   

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.   

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.   

Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's ass.   

"Hey, where's my cookie?"   

**WHAM**

LOVE THOSE OLD AGE JOKES

Couple in  their nineties  are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup,  the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to  start writing things down to help them  remember ..
Later that night, while  watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm  in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl  of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you  should write it down so you can remember it?' she  asks.
'No, I can remember  it..'
'Well, I'd like some  strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down,  so as not to forget  it?'
He says, 'I can  remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with  strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped  cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she  asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I  don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with  strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness  sake!'
Then he toddles into  the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,  The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate  of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a  moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse,
I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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