SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
TIGER'S MERCEDES

While driving home from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware of who the golf pro is.
'Top o' the mornin to ya', says the attendant.
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
'So what are those things, laddie?' asks the attendant.
'They're called tees,' replies Tiger.
'And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?' inquires the Irishman.
'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,' replies Tiger.
'Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!' exclaims the Irish attendant.
'Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!'

THE WOMAN WHO WON'T SHUT UP

A police officer pulls over a speeding car . The officer says ,     
I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .'   

The driver says , 'Gee, officer , I had it on cruise control at 60 ;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '   

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear --
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control .'   

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !!  ?'   

The wife smiles demurely and says,   'Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been even higher.'
   
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal  radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,   'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.  
That's an automatic $75 fine .'   

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I  took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket .'   

The wife says,   'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving .'   

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,   
'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'   

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am ?'    
  

'Only when he's been drinking.

GOT TO LOVE ALABAMA.

A guy from ALABAMA passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a ALABAMA hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if a ALABAMA redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in ALABAMA to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in ALABAMA? Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented? ALABAMA. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

An ALABAMA State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million ALABAMA State Lottery? (Come on- this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in ALABAMA burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books---poof! Up in flames; and he hadn't even finished coloring! one of them.

A new law was recently passed inALABAMA. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

A guy walks into a bar in ALABAMA and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

A JEWISH GRANDMOTHER'S ANSWERING MACHINE

Hello - this is Sadie, I'm not at home right now but should you wish to leave a message, do so now.

If you are one of my children - press 1

If you want me to babysit - press 2

If your car is still in the garage and you need to use mine - press 3

If it's Friday and you haven't bought a challah yet so I must rush out and get one - press 4

If I need to take the grandkids to school/nursery school/soccer/ ballet/kindermusiek/swimming lessons/barmitzvah lessons - press 5

If I have to pick up the grandkids from school/nursery school/ soccer/ballet /kindermusiek/swimming lessons/barmitzvah lessons - press 6

If you're at a meeting and you wont make it home in time so I must take the kids to the dentist/orthodontist/speech therapist/ accelerated learning program/child psychologist - press 7

If you want the kids to sleep over even though it's my bridge night - press 8

If you are one of my friends...What are you thinking? Who has time to talk to you???

JEWISH ICE CREAM

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in the following flavors:

Wailing Wallnut

Moishemellow

Mazel Toffee

Chazalnut

Oy Ge-malt

Mi Ka-mocha

Bernard Malamint

Berry Pr'i Hagafen

Choc-Eilat Chip

Simchas T'Oreo

It should be noted that all of these flavors come in either a cup or a Cohen.

A GOOD MATCH

A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30 year old son is unmarried.   
           
So, they call a marriage broker and ask  him to find their son  a good wife.
 
The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking and finally asks to visit the family again.  He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.   
He says she's just the right age for the son... she keeps a Glatt Kosher home...she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart...
she is a wonderful cook...she loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all of, she's gorgeous.
 
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.  
 
But the son pauses and asks inappropriately:    "Is she also good in bed?"  
 
The marriage broker answers, "some say yes...some say no."

MISFORTUNES

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Harrison? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your ex-wife's... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE....................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired.!"

TOO EMBARRASSED

David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

FATHER OF MY CHILD

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says : do you know me?

To which she replies : I think you're the father of one of my children.

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says: My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass?

She says: No, I'm your son's math teacher.

TROUBLES OF A PC USER

Customer:  I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work.  What am I doing wrong?
Tech support:  OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support:  And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer:  Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises.


Tech support:  What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer:  A white one...


Customer:  Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't  sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....


Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of
the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?


Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:  Hello... I can't print.
Tech support:  Would you click on "start"  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!


Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted
the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer
still says he can't find it...


Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  No.


Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:  A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.


Customer:  My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:  OK
Tech support:  Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work


Tech support:  Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters?


Customer:  I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.


Tech support:  What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.   
 


Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine."


And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:  What do you mean?
Tech support:  "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
 


Now, don't you just feel really smart?

CHOOSING A WIFE

A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man! was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.  She earns several times the $5,000.  She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.  She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said 2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!

NEW JEWISH JOKES

SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:
- Under same management for over 5765 years.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
- What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
- Synagogue committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign in a men's room at Hebrew University: " The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "Shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name... and forgot to write a letter."

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently,"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about the children."

Moishe says to Melvin, "I understand that you bought your wife a piano."
"Yes," says Moishe, "but I returned it and got her a clarinet." "Why did you do that?" asks Melvin.
"Because with a clarinet she can't sing."

Two men were in a restaurant in Haifa and one says to the waiter, "I'd like a glass of tea." The other fellow says, "I'd like a glass of tea also, but in a clean glass." The waiter leaves and comes back soon and says, "Two teas... who gets the clean glass?"

Question 1) How do you know you know when you are at an Orthodox Jewish Wedding?
Answer. The mother of the bride is pregnant.

Question 2) How do you know when you are at a Conservative Jewish Wedding?
Answer. The bride is pregnant.

Question 3) How do you know when you are at a Reformed Jewish Wedding?
Answer. The rabbi is pregnant.

And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan
___________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
__________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

CHILDREN SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the
other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip
cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.

THE HOUSEWIFE, HER LOVER, AND HER SON

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000.
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

On SEX .....

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

IF BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO WERE ALIVE TODAY

ABBOTT:   Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 
COSTELLO:  Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
 
ABBOTT:  Mac?
 
COSTELLO:  No, the name's Lou.
 
ABBOTT:  Your computer?
 
COSTELLO:  I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
 
ABBOTT:  Mac?
 
COSTELLO:  I told you, my name's Lou.
 
ABBOTT:  What about Windows?
 
COSTELLO:  Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
 
ABBOTT:  Do you want a computer with Windows?
 
COSTELLO:  I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
 
ABBOTT:  Wallpaper.
 
COSTELLO:  Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
 
ABBOTT:  Software for Windows?
 
COSTELLO:  No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.
What do you have?
 
ABBOTT:  Office.
 
COSTELLO:  Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
 
ABBOTT:  I just did.
 
COSTELLO:  You just did what?
 
ABBOTT:  Recommend something.
 
COSTELLO:  You recommended something?
 
ABBOTT:  Yes.
 
COSTELLO:  For my office?
 
ABBOTT:  Yes.
 
COSTELLO:  OK, what did you recommend for my office?
 
ABBOTT:  Office.
 
COSTELLO:  Yes, for my office!
 
ABBOTT:  I recommend Office with Windows.
 
COSTELLO:  I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting
at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?
 
ABBOTT:  Word.
 
COSTELLO:  What word?
 
ABBOTT:  Word in Office.
 
COSTELLO:  The only word in office is office.
 
ABBOTT:  The Word in Office for Windows.
 
COSTELLO:  Which word in office for windows?
 
ABBOTT:  The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
 
COSTELLO:  I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight
answers.  What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
 
ABBOTT:  Money.
 
COSTELLO:  That's right. What do you have?
 
ABBOTT:  Money.
 
COSTELLO:  I need money to track my money?
 
ABBOTT:  It comes bundled with your computer.
 
COSTELLO:  What's bundled with my computer?
 
ABBOTT:  Money.
 
COSTELLO:  Money comes with my computer?
 
ABBOTT:  Yes. No extra charge.
 
COSTELLO:  I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
 
ABBOTT:  One copy.
 
COSTELLO:  Isn't it illegal to copy money?
 
ABBOTT:  Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
 
COSTELLO:  They can give you a license to copy money?
 
ABBOTT:  Why not? THEY OWN IT!
 
        (A FEW DAYS LATER)
 
ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 
COSTELLO:  How do I turn my computer off?
 
ABBOTT:  Click on "START".

IF THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?  Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "You're not hiding your report card? Show me!  Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with that hat!  Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Desert, schmesert!  Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"

DIVORCE LETTER

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case, I'm gone.

Signed,
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

SPARE THE ROD

A wife catches her husband cheating, so they get a divorce, but she decides to let him keep the house.
The day she moves out she whips up a batch of the worst smelling fish concoction she can make.
She takes down the hollow curtain rods and pulls a cap off the end of each, and stuffs some of that nasty fish stuff into each hollow rod;
then puts the cap back on and rehangs the drapes.
She remains friends with the neighbor woman and gets updates on how much trouble her ex-husband and his girlfriend are having trying to locate the source of the horrible odor.
After failing to locate the source, the husband and his girlfrienf give up and decide to move out, offering to sell the house back to the wife at a greatly reduced price.
Naturally the wife jumps at it.
She comes to the house the very day that the husband is moving, and she notices that they are loading the fancy curtain rods onto the moving van.

WHAT DOES EACH ONE BELIEVE IN?

Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: 'Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: 'Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. 'Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill Replies: 'I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man. And I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says: 'You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Hillary. 'Hillary, what do you believe in?''
She replies: 'I believe you're in my chair.'

BEFORE AND AFTER

Before Marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After MarriagE:

Read from bottom to top!!

VAUDEVILLE ONE LINERS

* There was a beautiful young wo man knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?' The man says, 'I make a good living.'

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'

* Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!' Patient: 'I AM 60!' Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?'

* A doctor holds a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand?' The doctor says, 'That's what puzzles me!'

* Patient: 'I have a ringing in my ears.' Doctor: 'Don't answer!'

* A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.'

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, 'Give me $10 till payday.' The Jewish fellow responded, 'When's payday?' The bum said, 'I don't know! You're the one that's working!'

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

* Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

* Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

* A man called his mother in Florida , 'Mom, how are you?' 'Not too good, 'said the mother, 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'

* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it? The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'

* Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) 'Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'

* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied.

* Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

* 2 Jewish women meet in the street.

* The first one says, So dahlink, vhere u goink far vacashun dis summer?
Second one says, BOMBAY
First one says, Vy u goink dere?
Second one says, Vell, lest year I vent BOM OCEAN - sodis year I'm goink BOM BAY

* Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.
Doctor: Don't go like this

2008 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION AGENDA

JUST RELEASED:

2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda

7:00 pm         Opening flag burning

7:15 pm         Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N.

7:20 pm         Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm         Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

7:45 pm         Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm         Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm         How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore

8:15 pm         Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding

8:35 pm         Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:40 pm         Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9.00 pm         Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

10:00 pm       "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin

11:00 pm         Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm         Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand

11:15 pm         Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm         Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm         Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm         How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean

12:15 am           "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am           Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am           Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am           Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

1:00 am             Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:05 am             Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am             Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:35 am             Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home

A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst raises the following question in the hopes that Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

Is it okay for Jews to take Viagra on Shabbat?

One rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.

But another rabbi says that as a medication which adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. However, taking Viagra is taboo during Passover - as well as any other agent that causes things to rise.

Which raises (you'll excuse the expression) yet another question: What blessing does an observant Jew say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of three blessings:

1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k’fuffim -- Bless you Lord for straightening those who are bent.

2. Boruch Atah HaShem yaaleh vyavo -- Bless you Lord for causing things to arise and come.

3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayel hameitim -- Bless you Lord for raising the dead.

Amen.

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