ANNOUNCEMENT: THREAT LEVELS RAISED
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!" "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamp.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing.
There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while
New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
It was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep" asked the man?
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward
to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
NOT IN MY LIFETIME
A career diplomat once interviewed God. Here's an excerpt of it:
Diplomat: Will there be peace in the Northern Ireland between Catholics and Protestants?
God: Yes, My son, there will be peace in Northern Ireland. However, it won't happen in your lifetime.
Diplomat: Will there be peace in the Middle East between Jews and Arabs?
God: Yes, My son, there will be peace between Jews and Arabs, but it won't happen in My lifetime.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
SUNDAY MORNING SEX
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house To visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old Having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, We figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
WHAT HE IS GOOD AT
The detective was leafing through the suspect's cime history folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly conduct, armed Robbery, sexual assault, rape, man-slaughter..."
"Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."
EASY TO UNDERSTAND
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was.
MEMORABLE QUOTES FROM LEADERS
"Damit, when you get married, you kind of expect you're going
to get a little sex."
--Jeremiah Denton, senator from Alabama, 1981-86. Denton had
offered a bill providing criminal immunity for raping a spouse.
"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like
trying to read a Playboy with your wife turning the pages."
--Barry Goldwater, 1964 Republican presidential nominee
"If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?"
--Mike Gunn, Mississippi state senator, 1991
"We have every mixture you can imagine. I have a black, I
have a woman, two Jews and a cripple."
--James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, 1981-83, describing
an Interior Department advisory group.
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
--George Bush, touring Auschwitz in 1987.
While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer. "They are the gift wrapping."
Jewish Mother: 'Hello, operator! Give me the manager from the fancy-dancy room service.'
Manager: 'Room Service.'
Jewish Mother: 'This is room 402, Mister Room Service. I vant to order breakfast.'
Manager: 'Certainly, madam. What would you like?'
Jewish Mother: 'For me, I vant a glass orange juice mit pits. The toast should be burned, and - '
Manager: 'Madam, I can't fill an order like that!'
Jewish Mother: 'Aha! You did yesterday!'
A rabbi in the hospital received a large vase of flowers with the following note: 'The congregation wishes you a full and speedy recovery - by a vote of 212 to 74.'
BUSINESS [You have to be a certain age to get this one]
Selma, Abie and their four children ran a dry goods store on the Lower East Side. Over forty years, they expanded and made a fortune so they decided to buy a department store - Macy's. They toured the huge store with Mr. Macy himself. Afterward, Abie wrote a check for the ten million down payment, when Selma tugged at his sleeve.
'Abie, don't buy!' she whispered adamantly.
'You didn't notice? There's no apartment in the back!'
Rivka tottered into a lawyer's office and told him she wanted a divorce.
'A divorce?' asked the shocked lawyer. 'Tell me, how old are you?'
'Ninety - this July,' answered Rivka.
'Ninety! And how old is your husband?'
'And how long have you been married?' he asked in disbelief.
'September will be 70 years.'
'Why would you want a divorce now?'
'Because,' said Rivka ... 'enough is enough.'
Myrna and David dated five years, yet not once did David bring up the subject of marriage.
Finally, Myrna's mama sat her down.
'Darling, I think you've waited long enough. The next time you're out, give him a little hint, OK, Mamala?'
The next Sunday, David took Myrna to their favorite Kosher Chinese Restaurant.
As he read the menu, he casually asked her, 'So Myrna, how do you want your rice? White or fried?'
Without hesitating, Myrna looked up at him, and replied, 'Thrown.'
A rabbi was talking to precocious six-year-old Mendel. 'So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That's very
commendable. What does she actually say?'
Little Mendel replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
A new flood was predicted and nothing could prevent it. In three days, the waters would wipe out the world.
The Dalai Lama appeared on worldwide media and pleaded with humanity to follow Buddhist teachings to find nirvana in the wake of the disaster.
The pope issued a similar message, saying, 'It is still not too late to accept Jesus as your Savior.'
The chief rabbi of Jerusalem took a slightly different approach:
'My people,' he said, 'we have three days to learn how to live under water.'
NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES
A man and his ever-nagging yenta wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $7,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for only $350."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $350?"
The man replied, "I heard a story about how, once, another Jew died here and was buried here, and three days later rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
I had a dream the other night that I just couldn't shake. I'll share it with you.
In my dream, I saw Hugh Hefner. Hefner dies and he goes to hell. He is down in hell and they bring out this really hideously ugly woman and a voice comes down and says: "HUGH HEFNER, BECAUSE YOU WERE A SINNER YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO LIVE WITH THIS WOMAN FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY."
Now I want to wake up but I can't.
Then I saw Bob Guccione who also dies and he goes to hell. He is down in hell and they bring out this woman who is ten times uglier than the first, and a voice comes down and says: "BOB GUCCIONE, BECAUSE YOU WERE A SINNER YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO LIVE WITH THIS WOMAN FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY."
Now I really want to wake up but I just don't seem to be able.
Then I die and go to hell. And they bring out Raquelle Welch. Then a voice comes down and says: "RAQUELLE WELCH, BECAUSE YOU WERE A SINNER YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO LIVE WITH ......."
A JEW IN CHINA
A Jewish journalist goes to China to cover a story there. It is right before the major Jewish holidays and this is the first time that he is going to be far from his Jewish community for the holidays. Of course he feels a bit sad. Then he thinks to himself that there may be a Jewish neighborhood here in the Chinese city. He asks the first person he sees if there are any Jewish neighborhoods in town and the man says yes there is and gives him directions to the Jewish neighborhood.
On ROSH HASHANNAH, he goes to the neighborhood and sees this magnificent sysnagoge built in Oriental temple style. He goes in to attend services and he is quite taken aback by the beauty of it all.
After the service, he runs up to the rabbi and says, "Oh rabbi, the service was wonderfull, the synagogue is beautiful and I am so happy to be here because this is the first time that I have been away from home during the Jewish holidays."
The rabbi looks at him and says, "You Jewish?"
He answers, "Of course I am Jewish, rabbi."
The rabbi laughs and says, "Funny, you no lookee Jewish!"
A Jewish man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear.
Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped.
He closes his eyes and begins to recite "SH'MA YISRAEL" [the prayer said before dying] in anticipation of is final moments.
When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh [family] - I'm saved!"
And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer "HAMOTSI LECHEM MINHA'ARETS" [the prayer said before eating]
GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD
A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.
The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both books have been lost.
A presidential spokesperson said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
TALKING TO JESUS
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senyor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
ANGELINA IS PREGNANT
"Happy news from Hollywood. Angelina Jolie is pregnant. And, insiders believe, as soon as the child is born, she plans to adopt it." -David Letterman
THE CAMEL'S SCHMUCK
An American Jew immigrates to Israel, settles in Tel-Aviv, and gets an office job. After awhile he feels as if he's missing out on all the local color of being in the Middle East. So he buys a camel, and rides it to work every day, while Israelis whiz pass him on the highway in their cars.
One day his camel is stolen, so he goes to report it to the police. The policeman takes out a 'missing camel' form and starts to ask questions.
"This camel of yours, what color was it?"
The man responds, "Well, it was sort of gray... kind of brown... I don't really remember."
The policeman writes, 'Color:Unknown'.
"How many humps did the camel have?"
"Well...it's hard to say...I had a saddle on it and I couldn't tell the number of humps."
The officer writes, 'Humps: unknown'.
"What sex was the camel?"
The man responds, "it was a male."
The cop asks," You didn't know what color it was, or how many humps it had, so how do you know the sex?"
The man responds, "That's easy! Because every time I would ride him to work down the highway, every Israeli who saw us go by would say, 'Look at the big schmuck on the camel!.'"
Nine of Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you listen to them.
2. Change is inevitable, except of course from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait usually will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first. [Free enterprise]
8. The shin bone is a device used for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't creative enough to get out of jury duty.
STUPID WISE SAYINGS PASSED AROUND THE INTERNET
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher!
And, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL FIND
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance:
A woman - A donkey - A shovel - A fish - and the Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old.They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that the race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence was in the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. "The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of he room and
"Idiots! Hebrew reads from right to left. It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!' "
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE?
What Happens When You Fall In Love With:
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
THE PREGNANT JEWISH GIRL
A 20-year-old Jewish girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."
ALTERNATIVE ANSWERING MACHINE GREETINGS:
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is John If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Leave a beep after the message
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
A MINSK COM
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly.
The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So the y got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right, the cow moves left, a nd when the bull moves in from the left, the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, ( 2 of America's best T.V. news hosts) and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?'
'Kick me in the ass,' said the soldier.'
'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Israeli.
So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the ass.
The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the soldier was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?'
'What?' replied the Israeli, "And let you two idiots report that the Israeli was the aggressor ?!"
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
THE CHAIN LETTER
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend, send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Play-boy model.
An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.
ARIZONA POLL (CALIFORNIA & NEVADA TOO)
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Arizona asked whether people who live in Arizona think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."
THE POPE AND THE RABBI
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy .
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy .
If the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi, how he had won?
"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him that we were staying right here.
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the man whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
The optometrist backed up into the glass grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The psychic midget who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
THE RABBI AND THE ARABS
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.
When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors:
'Why does it have to be this way?
'How long must this go on?
'This fighting between our nations
'This Spitting in shoes and Pissing in cokes
In line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him,"My elbowhurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart.
Just give it a urine sample and the ComputerI'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at WalMart
YIDDISH ACADEMY AWARDS
1. GONIF WITH THE WIND -- A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
2. THE PUTZMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE -- A Mohel murder mystery.
3. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY -- A kosher noodle western.
4. MOBY DRECK -- Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.
5. THE CINCINNATI YID -- Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation.
6. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES -- Bubbe lays down the law on Pesach.
7. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBITZER -- Paul Newman and Robert Redford do stand-up shtick while they rob their victims.
8. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH -- The extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouths and hurts their lips.
9. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE -- An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.
10. THE MATZONIAN CANDIDATE -- Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking it's always Passover.
11. DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK -- Harrison Ford plays the most dangerous Chanukah games.
12. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE -- Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
13. THE SIX CENTS -- Three Jews each put in their two-cents worth.
14. DREYDEL WILL ROCK -- A Chanukah toy comes alive.
15. GOYS DON'T CRY -- Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Yom Kippur.
16. STUART LADLE -- Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
17.THE GREEN MOYEL --Young man performs first circumcision.
18. GOY STORY II -- Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another shiksa.
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,
she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a vibrator!
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you
be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids!"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'.
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven.
St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric orthopedic surgeon and helped correct deformities in children."
St. Peter said, "You may enter.
"The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care.
"St. Peter said, "You can come in too."
As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
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