Shlomoh's Collected Jokes 18

SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.

WHEN SAINT PETER TAKES A SHIT

The following joke is about St. Peter. I told this joke to a CHASID. He said to me, Who is St Peter? God bless America.

One day while standing at the Pearly Gates, St Peter felt the need to drop a deuce. He called over an angel. "Hey Goldberg! Come 'ere."
"What's up", asked the angel.
"Listen Goldberg. I have to take a dump. Can you just stand here by the Pearly Gates while I go?"
"What?", said the angel. "That's not my job. I don't even know what to do by the Pearly Gates."
"It's nothing", said Peter. Just stand here and watch the Pearly Gates. I won't be that long. Besides, I have my cell phone with me. If anything unusual happens, just call me."
So the angel, being a nice guy, takes his post by the Pearly Gates while Peter goes to the bathroom.
A few minutes later, Peter's phone rings.
"Yeah, Goldberg! What's the matter?"
"Well", says the angel, "There's a situation here."
"What situation?", asks Petr.
"Well, some shvartsers have come up here", announces the angel.
"What? Shvartsers?", exclaims Peter. "Look. Goldberg. This is heaven. There ain't supposed to be prejudice up here!"
"I know. I know", says the angel. "But these guys don't look KOSHER. They look like thugs; like they don't belong up here."
"Ok ok", says Peter. "Just keep them by the Pearly Gates. I'll be right out."
A few minutes later, Goldberg's phone rings.
"Look", says Peter. "It's taking me a little longer than I thought it would. How's that situation going?"
"Oh, they're gone", says Goldberg.
"Who's gone?", asks Peter. "The shvartsers?"
"No", says Goldberg. The "GATES!"

On Wednesday, February 11, 2015 7:58 pM,   Tish Melone sent the following:

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get big boobs too.'

On Friday, March 20, 2015 7:58 pM,  Charles Catalano sent the following:

WHO GIVES A SHIT?

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy-five who gives a shit?


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy–five who gives a shit?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy-five who gives a shit?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy-five who gives a shit?
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy-five who gives a shit?

On Tuesday, March 10, 2015 Yolanda Sherman sent the following:

IF ONLY THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep, the electric bill is already too high!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Your senior photograph, and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Would it have killed you to become a doctor?"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.

On Thursday, April 2, 2015 Dr. Barry Pinchefsky sent the following:

LET'S PISS OFF EVERYONE!

I had just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.
' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime.
She said 'sorry about the wait'.
I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?
I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
' Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself: 'I'm going to take that.'
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was where do women have the curliest hair?
Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

On Monday, April 27, 2015 Charles Catalan sent the following:

DON'T ASK ME

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS."
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING..
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN, A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO ... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

On Sunday, April 26, 2015 Dr. Barry Pinchefsky sent the following:

APHORISMS

Pithy observations that contain a general truth, such as, “If it ain't broke, don't fix it.”
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENT'S MISTAKES — USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could Identify their corporate sponsors."

On Wednesday, April 29, 2015 Trish Melone sent the following:

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Carol, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Carol was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Carol wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Carol tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

On Wednesday, April 29, 2015 Trish Melone sent the following:

THE HAIRCUT

One day a Minister went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from a man of the cloth.'
The Minister was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a beautiful illuminated Bible waiting for him at his door.
Later, a Priest came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from a man of the cloth.'
The Priest was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a gold Crucifix waiting for him at his door.
Next a Rabbi came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from a man of the cloth.'
The Rabbi was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Rabbis lined up waiting for a free haircut.

HOW TO DIE

Three men were discussing the ideal way they would like to die.
O'Brien said: I'd like to be driving drunk and crash my car into a brick wall going 100 miles an hour.
Goldberg said: I'd like to leave this world in a plane crash.
Roselli said: I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband.

I CAN JUST WALK

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby black Houston Church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. "
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. "
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my frickin car had been stolen.

NEVER ASSUME A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. The nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They found her husband and told him what happened, telling him, “As crazy as it sounds, a little oral sex may do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room.
“What happened?” they cried.
The husband said, “I’m not sure; maybe she choked!”
NEVER EVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

RETIRED PERSON'S PERSPECTIVE

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem
work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your
body.
4. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
5. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
6. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this
morning.
7. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
8. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

SHARPTON AND THE LAUNDROMAT MAN

<p>One day the owner of a laundromat noticed the Reverend Sharpton and a group of coloreds outside his establishment, picketing and carrying on.<BR>
The man rushed outside and demanded to know what the emonstration was all about.<BR>
"Well", said Shartpon, "We are picketing this laundromat because we see that it is a racist joint."<BR>
"What?", said the owner. "How is my laundromat racist? It's just a laundromat."<BR>
"Yes", said Sharpton. "But look. All of your washing machines are white!"<BR>
"OK", said the owner. "I agree. They are all white. BUT! If you look inside the machines, each and every one of them has a black agitator!"</p>

MUSLIM BOOK So, I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim bookshop. The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the United States Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims. The Clerk said, “Fuck you, get out, and stay out.” I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it?”

SUBJECT: HEALTH MESSAGE FOR MATURE PEOPLE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really care. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.

Some Mature Thoughts: God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

NOW THAT I'M OLDER HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He'd have put them on my knees.

15. If God REALLY didn't want me to jerk off, He would not have made my arms so long.

16. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

17. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

20. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

21. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE.

The following joke is about St. Peter. I told this joke to a CHASID. He said to me, Who is St Peter? God bless America. St Peter is at the Pearly Gates. Suddenly he has to go to the bathroom. So he calls over an angel. "Goldberg! Come here." "Yes", says the angel. "What can I do for you, Pete?" "I gotta go to the crapper. Do me a favor. Stand here by the Pearly Gates till I get back." The angel said, "The Pearly Gates? I don't know nothin about the Pearly Gates.That's your job." "Look, Goldberg, It's no big deal. Just stand here by the Gates and if someone comes up, just talk to him a bit. I won't be long. Besides. I have my cell phone with me. If there is a problem here by the Pearly Gates, just call me." Peter goes to the bathroom and he is in there just a few minutes when his cell phone rings. "Yeah, Goldberg. What's up"? The angel says, "I hate to bother you but there is a situation here by the Pearly Gates." "What's the situation?" "Well, a couple of SCHVARTSERS just came up here." "SCHVARTSERS?", says Peter. "Goldberg. This is heaven. There's not supposed to be prejudice up here." "I know. I know. But these guys don't look KOSHER." "Don't look KOSHER?", says Peter. "What is that supposed to mean?" "Well they look like thugs here by the Pearly Gates.They look like they belong in the other place." "Look Goldberg, just keep them there a few minutes. I'll be right out." A few minutes later, Goldberg's phone rings. "Look, Goldberg. It's taking me longer than I thought. How's that situation by the Pearly Gates." "Oh", says Goldberg, "They're gone." "Who's gone?", asks Peter. "The SCHVARTSERS?" "No", says Goldberg."The Gates!"

SECTARIAN STAMPS

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey ... my God, has it come to this? Okay, give me six orthodox, twelve conservative and thirty-two reform!"

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

GOLDBERG HELPS OUT

Father O'Mally and Mr Goldberg are out having drinks.
Father says, "Oh Goldberg. I forgot. I have to go over to the church tonight and hear confession. But I'm so soused, I can't do it. Listen Goldberg, do me a favor. Go over to the church, put on me robes and hear confession for me."
Goldberg says, "Father! How can I do that? I'm not even catholic. I wouldn't know wwhat pennance to give them."
"Don't worry, Goldberg. I have a piece of paper on the wall inside the confessional. It has all the sins and all the pennance. Just look at the paper."
"OK", says Goldberg. "I'll do it for you just this once because we are buddies. "
Goldberg goes over to the church, puts on the robes, goes into the confessional.
A guy comes in. "Forgive me father. I have sinned."
"What have you done, son?", asks Goldberg.
He says, "I cheated on my business partner."
"OK", says Goldberg, looking at the paper. "OK, theft; say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers."
Another guy comes in. "Forgive me father. I have sinned."
"What have you done, son?", asks Goldberg.
He says, "I cheated on my wife."
"OK", says Goldberg, looking at the paper. "OK, adultery; say 25 Hail Marys and 14 Our Fathers."
Next a woman comes in. "Forgive me father. I have sinned."
"What have you done, daughter?", asks Goldberg.
She says, "I gave a man a blowjob."
Goldberg, looks at the paper. "Oh my!", he says. "There's nothing here about blowjobs. I better ask one of the altar boys. Hey sonny! Come here! What does father O'Mally usually give for a blowjob?"
Kid smiles and says, "Well, he usually gives me milk and cookies."

DON'T KICK THE ANIMALS

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet", says the little boy.
His mother tells him there will be no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off. So he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks.
"Well", his mother says. "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk for a week either."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?”

JEWISH DIVORCE RITUAL

A Jewish couple decided to get a divorce and decided to perform the Jewish divorce ritual: gluing the broken pieces of the glass together.

DISCOUNT ONLY

Why are Jewish women attracted to circumcised men? Because they don't want to see anything that is not 10% discount.

WHICH PART OF THE MATSA?

Marilyn Monroe went to a dinner. They were serving soup and Marilyn asked what kind of soup it was. Someone at the table said, "It's matsa ball soup." Astonished, Marilyn replied: Couldn't they use some other part of the matsa?"

WHO WROTE IT?

A man sat down on a park bench and took some matsa out of his pocket and started eating. A homeless, blind man sitting next to him heard him chewing and asked what he was eating. "Matsa", replied the man. "What's that?", asked the blind man. "It's a Jewish food.", said the man. "Oh", said the blind man, "Can I have a piece?" "Certainly", answered the man, and handed the blind man a piece. The blind man felt the matsa. After a minute, he asked, "Hey! Who wrote THIS shit?"

On Friday, August 11, 2017 5:46pm, Rob Hood sent the following:

"LESSONS OUR PARENTS TAUGHT US

My mother taught me Religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My father taught me Logic: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me More Logic: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My father taught me Irony: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about Doing the Impossible: "Close your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about Perseverance: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about the Weather: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My father taught me about Exaggerating: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me about Anticipation: "Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me Ophthalmology: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
My mother taught me How to Become an Adult: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My father taught me about Justice: "One day you'll have kids, and they will be just like you!"

HIGH PRICED WHORES

A big time business man comes into town and checks in at a hotel. He makes a call from his room and orders the services of two high priced prostitutes. Soon there's a knock on the door. He opens the door and a Republican and a Democrat politician come into the room.

HOW CAN YOU TELL?

You are at a Jewish wedding. How can you tell if it's Orthodox, Reform, or Liberal?

At an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. At a Reform wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Liberal wedding, the rabbi is pregnant.

WHAT KIND ARE YOU?

A man registers at a hotel in Damascus.
The clerk asks: "Are you a Christian, Muslim or Jew.
The man responds: " I'm nothing. I’m an atheist."
The clerk responds: Very well. Would that be a Christian atheist, a Muslim atheist or a Jewish atheist?

CHINESE COMPLAINT

Two Chinamen are leaving Bloom's restaurant and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you're hungry again."

Two CALENDARS

year 5765 according to the Jewish calendar
year 4702 according to the Chinese calendar
----
1063 years that the Jews went without Chinese food

KOSHER KITCHEN

According to Jewish law, meat and dairy must not be eaten together.
Hence Orthodox Jews have 2 sets of dishes; one for meat and one for dairy
Reform Jews are even more MACHMIR [stringent]. They have 3 sets of dishes. One for meat, one for dairy, and one for Chinese.

EXPLAINING KOSHER TO A NON-JEW

Sadie invites her Christian friend Diane over for the weekend.
Sadie says, "Look Diane, I have to tell you something. Our house is KOSHER."
"What's KOSHER", asks Diane.
Sadie answers, "KOSHER means you can't have cheese with your ham sandwitch."

AW, NO BAGELS!

Fritz the German comes over to America and goes into Shloimey's bagel store. After eating, Fritz says to Shloimey, "Wow, we don't have great bagels like this in Germany."
Shloimey responds, Yeah? Well whose fault is that?"

2ND BIGGEST SHMUCK Hymie asks: "But why the 2nd biggest schmuck in the world?
Rachel answers: "Because you're a schmuck!"

A JEWISH TELEGRAM

Begin worrying. Details to follow.

DATING SITE ADS

Ad on a dating site: Serious female into KABALAH and into exorcizing DYBBUKS. Looking for MENTSCH. NO weirdos please!

Ad on a dating site: Emotionally strong, sensitive, understanding, nonjudgmental man looking for nice woman. You can lean on me and tell me about your insecurities. No fatties please!

JEWISH WOMAN'S TELEPHONE ANSWERING MESSAGE

When you come to visit me
If you want chopped liver, press 1
If you want smoked salmon, press 2
If you want chicken soup with matza balls, press 3
If you want to know how I am feeling, press 4 to get the name of the nursing home I'm in. It took so long for you to call that I got sick waiting. For all you know, I could be dead by now.

SIGNS IN MOSHE'S FURNITURE WAREHOUSE

There are two very good reasons why we won't cash your check. Either we don't know you or we do know you.
We have an agreement with all the local banks; they don't sell furniture and we don't cash checks.
We don't blame our competitors for a charging less for their furniture. After all, they should know what their stuff is worth

ADVERTISEMENTS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS

Jewish personal adverts:
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul, light Shabbes candles, celebrate holidays, build succah together, attend brisses, Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with meat dishes only. Seeking woman with nice dairy set. Object: macaroni.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching and kvelling. Under 30 is also OK.
Conservative rabbi, 45. I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shivah Asar B'Tammuz (these are all fast days). Seeks female who loves dining out!
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
Worried about in-law meddling? Don't worry. I'm an orphan!
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.
Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.

The following signs have been spotted: Over a gynaecologist's office:
'Dr Levy, at your cervix.'
On Yitzhak the plumber's truck: 'I repair what your husband fixed.'
Also on Yitzhak the plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call me.'
On Cohen's Pizza shop: 'Seven days without pizza makes one weak.'
Also on Cohen's Pizza shop: 'Buy my pizza. I knead the dough.'
In Moshe the plastic surgeon's office: 'Hello. Can I pick your nose?'
On Hyman the electrician's truck: let me remove your shorts.'
On a maternity-room door at a Jewish hospital: 'Push. Push. Push.'
At Benny the optometrist's office: 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
In Abe the podiatrist's office: 'Time wounds all heels.'
In Shlomo the veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In Issy's restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.'
On Benjy's radiator shop: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
In the front yard of Isaac's funeral home: 'Drive carefully. I'll wait.'

PERPLEXING CROSSWORD PUZZLE

A priest is sitting on a plane next to a woman. The woman notices the priest is playing the crosswords in the newspaper. Suddenly the priest taps her on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me but I could use a little help. Do you happen to know a four-letter word for a female that ends in 'unt'?" She replies, "Why, yes, 'aunt.'" The priest says, "Oh good! By the way, do you have an eraser?"

MEMBERS OF THE WEDDING

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the marriage ceremony, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns, and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's side."

Shlomo and Moshe pass a Catholic Church on which there is a large poster saying, "Come to us and convert to Catholicism and you will get $1000 in cash!"
Moshe says to Shlomo, "wait here. I want to see if this is legit."
Moshe walks into the church and a while later, he comes out and says to Shlomo, "Hey, I converted. I'm Catholic now."
Shlomo says, "Well, did they give you the $1000?"
Moshe answers, "Money! Is that all you people think about!"

MOSHE KNOWS EVERYONE

Moshe was telling his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Moshe, how about Madonna?"
"No problem boss, Madonna and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Moshe and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Madonna's door, and Madonna shouts, "Moshe! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a drink!"
Moshe's boss is still skeptical.
"Name anyone else," Moshe says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"OK", Moshe says, "Let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Moshe on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Moshe, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend can come in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
The boss is impressed but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Moshe, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Moshe. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Moshe and his boss are at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Moshe says, "I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, several minutes later, Moshe emerges with the Pope on the balcony. Suddenly his boss faints and is surrounded by the crowd.
Making his way to his boss' side, Moshe asks, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Moshe?'

THE BETTER SIN

A priest and a rabbi are having a conversation. The priest asks, "Tell me, rabbi, truthfully. Have you ever gotten tempted and eaten paork?
"Yes, father, there was one occasion when, as a young man, I tasted pork But I never ate it again.
The rabbi asks, "Tell me, father, truthfully. Have you ever had sexual intercourse with a woman?"
"Why yes, rabbi" says the priest, "I must confess that indeed, once, when I was a young man, I did have sexual intercourse with a woman. But never again after that one time" The rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of pork, doesn't it?"

THE BANK LOAN

A man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.
The man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we Checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000?"
The man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

THE SABBATH GUEST

Moshe came into town and looked for a place to spend the Sabbath.
It was the eve of Sabbath and Moshe found the local synagogue, and after services explained his predicament to Jacob, one of the congregants
Jacob immediately invited him to be his Sabbath guest.
At Jacob’s house, Moshe is treated royally.
On Sunday it’s time to leave and Moshe said to Jacob, "This was a lovely Sabbath. How can I ever repay you?"
"By paying me," replied Jacob and gives Moshe an invoice for: -

1 hot bath,
1 bar of aromatic soap,
2 clean towels,
1 full dinner,
3 glasses of wine,
2 nights lodging (bed & breakfast),
Fresh sheets,
1 lunch, and
1 afternoon tea.
--------------------------------------------------
TOTAL $75

"You're charging me?" asked Moshe.
"I certainly am."
"I didn’t ask you to take me in – you invited me. It’s outrageous."
"Even so, please pay the bill."
" But this is wrong!"
"OK," said Jacob, "let's not argue. We’ll go to my Rabbi and let him decide."
"That’s OK with me," said Moshe.
As the Rabbi listened to their arguments, he stroked his beard and said, "It’s my decision that Moshe should pay the bill."
Moshe couldn’t believe his ears. It made no sense at all. But a decision had been made and so, as soon as they left the Rabbi, Moshe handed Jacob the money.
"What’s this for?" asked Jacob.
"It’s what I owe you."
"Don't be crazy. Keep it. It was a pleasure to have you with us. Please come again."
Moshe was confused. "But you gave me your invoice, we argued, we went to the Rabbi, he made a decision!"
"My dear Moshe," said Jacob, "I was pulling your leg. I just wanted you to see what kind of schmuck we have for a Rabbi."

TAXI TO THE MATERNITY WARD

Jacob and Sara, a young Jewish married couple, were expecting their first baby.
Unfortunately, Sara went into labor on the Sabbath and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital's maternity ward.
Jews are actually forbidden to ride in cars on Sabbath and Jacob wanted to try and minimize the Sabbath violation.
He told the controller that he must send them a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived.
As Jacob and Sara were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"

LOOKING FOR SEX

When my wife and I got divorced, we went to court to fight for custody of our dog, "Sex".
I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before we got married."
The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I got married, Sex left me.
He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again and I spent hours looking for him.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 3 o'clock in the morning?"
I said, "I am looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday morning.

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