SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
PROUD DADS

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...  

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
  
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went
to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his
own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...

What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
  
The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

THREE MEN GO INTO A BAR
(and meet God)

An Italian, a Jew, and a black go into a bar. They notice that at the end of the bar there is a very old man.
The Italian says: That guy is the oldest man I have ever seen.
The Jew says: He looks old enough to be God.
The black says: Let's go buy him a drink.
They walk over to the man and greet him.
The black says: Hi, old timer. Can we buy you a drink?
The old man says: Why sure. Very nice of you.
The Italian says: You must be really old.
The old man says: Older than you know, boys.
The Jew says: You look old enough to be God.
The old man says: That's right. As a matter of fact, I am God.
The Italian says: Is that right?
The old man says: I would not kid you. I am really He.
The black says: So God; can You tell us our future?
God says: yes, I can.
God places His hands on the Jew and says: You have a brain tumor. But My touch has healed you. Live your life.
God places His hands on the Italian and says: You have cancer. But My touch has healed you. Live your life.
God is about to place His hands on the black - when suddenly -
The black yells out: Keep your hands off me. I'm on disability!

The "New Husband" Store !   

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & 5 as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids..
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking....
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store......

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a "New Wives" store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited !    

HE GOT A JOB OFFER

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short,
well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.

Leaning  over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the crap out of the gay man, knocking him
swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking
lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like
that. "What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about do I want a job."

HUSBAND AND WIFE'S DIARIES

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought Jim was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends and I was a little late for our date. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought
he was upset that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.

So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong.

He said, 'Nothing.'    

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat won't start, can't figure out why.

IS IT WINE?

On the last day of school before the Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it
was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked," Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"

JEWISH HAIKU

On Passover we
opened the door for Elijah.
Now our dog is gone.

Jewish Buddhism:
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?

Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
is an internist.

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.

Today I am a man
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly
But her son is forty.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone,
please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz
Five-day forecast: feh

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
at Saturday Synagogue services,
Phillies 5, Red Sox 3.

A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single Oy.

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in, Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will
be the least of your problems.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says there is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:  
  
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'  

On  his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you
didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'  

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'  

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen,
so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch!'

Every day we have something to be thankful for.

GIVE ME A SIGN

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

A CONVERSATION IN  THE HEREAFTER

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive

.

DECISIONS! dECISIONS!

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

IS IT THE POPE?

Jack and Mike are sitting in a bar having a few drinks.
Suddenly they notice an elderly man sitting at a table not far from them.
Jack says, "Hey, that looks like the Pope!"
Mike says, "Ya really think that's him? Ya think the Pope came in here?"
"I dunno know", said Jack. "There's only one way to find out. I'll just go over and ask him."
Jack gets out of his seat, approaches the old man and asks, "Excuse me, sir. I don't mean to intrude
on your privacy but do you happen to be the Pope?"
Without even looking up, the old man snarls, "Fuck off and die!"
Jack goes back to join his friend, Mike.
Mike asks, "Well, what happened?"
Jack responds, "Well all I did was go up and ask him if he was the Pope."
"And so?", prompts Mike.
"Well", says Jack, "all he said was 'fuck off and die'".
"That's horrible!," says Mike. "Do you know what that means?"
"No, what does it mean?", asks Jack.
"What it means", says Mike, "is that now we'll never know if he was the  Pope!"

THE MIKVA

A Christian girl, in love with a Jewish guy, agrees to change her religion.  She goes to a rabbi for instructions.
The rabbi says, 'You will learn how to light the candles, keep two sets of dishes, keep a kosher home, and a few other simple things.'
The girl says, 'That sounds very easy to me. I can do that.'
The rabbi says, 'The last thing is, you must go to a MIKVA.'
The girl says, 'MIKVA -- what's that?'
The rabbi says, 'It's a pool of water -- a ritual bath -- and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds.'
The girl says, 'I'm sorry, but I have a phobia about being under water.  
I'll go in the pool but I can't put my head under water. Will that be all right?'
The rabbi says, 'That will be okay.  You will be Jewish but you will still have a GOYISHE KUP.

NEW JEWISH ONE-LINERS

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"

The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still  wrong?

Gerry Koval's  father said, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family."  Gerry said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"

Jewish Marriage advice: "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"

The   Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The   Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The   Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The   German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The   Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The   Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

A  Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She  greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

JEWISH COMEDIANS FROM JOE GOLDBERG

You may remember the
Old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville Days.

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein, and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it theDead Sea .
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer it !"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "I'll take a scotch and soda"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not Now

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,
"What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

BLONDS

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
 
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
 
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

YOSEL AND THE STEWARDESS

Yosel, is in London on business. It's Friday, one hour to sundown and he's all dressed up in his shabbos clothes ready to leave his hotel and go to a local SHUL.

He takes the lift to the lobby and as he passes the reception desk on his way to the street, he sees a flight attendant to die for. She's just checking in. When she spots Yosel, she quickly steps into his path.

"Hello," she says to him, her voice deep and raspy.

"Hello to you, too," he replies.

"I have a confession to make," she says.

"A confession?"

She puts a hand on his arm.

"I have a sexual fantasy."

"It can be treated," Yossel answers.

"You don't understand. I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, slide my fingers over his tzitzis and through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his schlong and then shtup him all night. Would you like to help me fulfill my fantasy?

Yosel looks at her thoughtfully and asks, "So what's in it for me?".

BLACK BALLS

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?"
The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"

HE NEEDS HIS CLOCK FIXED

A man is walking in a strange city when he notices that his watch has stopped. he looks around to see if there is a watch repair shop in the area. Suddenly he notices a store with a big clock in the window. He rushes over to the store and says to the proprietor , "My watch has stopped. You do fix watches and clocks here, right?'
The proprietor says, "No. I am a MOYHEL."
The man says, "A MOYHEL? So why do you have a clock in the window?"
The MOYHEL answers, "So what SHOULD I put in the window?"

HE MISSES THE BRONX

If You Are From New York City, you’ll understand.

I was in Florida, and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss The Bronx."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read, "I hope this helps."

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Spice Up This Election Season With ‘Yiddish Curses for Republican Jews´
By Jewcy Staff / August 23, 2012

A new website offers just the thing that´s been missing this election season: Yiddish curses for your political foes.
“May you live to a hundred and twenty without Social Security or Medicare,’ reads one of the entries on the Yiddish
Curses for Republican Jews site. And they´re not messing around: according to the site´s Facebook page,

“The best Yiddish curses start out like a blessing and then snatch it all away. You should make a fortune…and spend it all on doctors.
You should eat a feast of the most delicious foods imaginable…and every bite should make you sick. They are specific, which is why
we´ve written a whole bunch of new ones for these very particular circumstances.’

Here are some of our favorite 2012-inspired additions:

“May your insurance company decide constipation is a pre-existing condition.’

“May you make a fortune, and lose it all in one of Sheldon Adelson´s casinos.’

May you find yourself insisting to a roomful of skeptics that your great-grandmother was "legitimately" raped by Cossacks.

May God give you a daughter-in-law who is as kind as she is beautiful, as patient as she is rich, as wise as she is devoted,
a virtuous woman in every way. And then may a ballot initiative invalidate her marriage to your fat lump Rebecca.

May you have a hundred houses, and in every house a hundred rooms, and in every room twenty beds, and then may you fall
behind on just one of your mortgage payments and have the bank repossess everything.

May you find yourself lost and stranded in a village of Palestinian Muslims, and may you be treated only with dignity, kindness and respect.

May your son be elected President, and may you have no idea what you did with his goddamn birth certificate.

May you live to a hundred and twenty without Social Security or Medicare.

May the secretary your husband is schtupping depend on Planned Parenthood for her birth control.

May you live to a ripe old age, and may the only people who come visit you be Mormon missionaries.

May your grandchildren baptize you after you´re dead.

May your son the doctor introduce you to his fiancée, Bristol Palin.

May you be reunited in the world to come with your ancestors, who were all socialist garment workers.

May you spend your whole life supporting and voting for and sending money to Israel, and may you one day be actually forced to move there.

May your child give his Bar Mitzvah speech on the genius of Ayn Ran

May the state of Arizona expand their definition of "suspected illegal immigrants" to "anyone who doesn't hunt." - That means YOU, Jew boy!

May you have a rare disease and need an operation that only one surgeon in the world, the winner of the Nobel Prize for Medicine, is able
to perform. And may he be unable to perform it because he doesn´t take your insurance. And may that Nobel Laureate be your son.

May you grow so rich that your widow´s second husband is thrilled they repealed the estate tax.

May you sell everything and retire to Florida just as global warming makes it uninhabitable.

YIDDISH CURSES FOR REPUBLICAN JEWS [OFFICIAL SITE]

HTTP://WWW.YIDDISHCURSESFORREPUBLICANJEWS.COM/

NO BROCHLI

A woman goes into a super market and asks for brochli
The sales woman says: We are out of brochli. Would you like calliflower?
The customer: No, I want brochli.
The sales woman says: We are out of brochli. Would you like asparagus?
The customer: No, I want brochli.
The sales woman says: We are out of brochli. Would you like brussel sprouts?
The customer: No DAMMIT, I want brochli.
The sales woman says: Madam, can you spell CAT as in catastrophic?
The customer: Sure C-A-T.
The sales woman says: Madam, can you spell DOG as in dogmatic?
The customer: Sure D-O-G.
The sales woman says: Madam, can you spell FUCK as in brochli?  
The customer: What? There ain't no fuck-in brochli
The sales woman : Exactly!

JEWISH  vs. GOYISH

Judges Are Jewish
Juries Are Goyish
 
Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish
Using them is Goyish
 
Ordering family-style is Jewish
Ordering a la carte is Goyish
 
Cruises are Jewish
Walking tours are Goyish
 
Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is Jewish
Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish
 
Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish
Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish
 
Fruitcake is Goyish
Fruit and cake is Jewish
 
Reading "how-to" books is Goyish
Writing "how-to" books is Jewish
 
ESPN is Goyish
PBS is Jewish
 
Tiffany's is Goyish
Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish
 
Passing bars is Goyish
Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish
 
DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish
PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish
 
West Coast is Goyish
East Coast is Jewish
 
Lunch meat is Goyish;
Deli is Jewish
 
White bread is Goyish;
Rye is Jewish
 
Sushi is Jewish;
Chopsticks are Goyish
 
Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish;
Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish
 
"Youngsters" are Goyish,
"Kids" are Jewish
 
Buttering bread is Goyish;
Spreading margarine is Jewish
 
Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish:
Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish
 
Beer is Goyish;
Wine is Jewish

I have just one thing to say about the Heineken can. Maybe beer is Goyish, but Freddie Heineken, the founder of the Heineken Brewery in Amsterdam (a very Jewish city) was a Jewish man...just thought to tell you that...well,  pointing this out is Jewish too I think...
 
Tattoos and piercing are Goyish;
Diamonds and pearls are Jewish
 
Ham sandwiches are Goyish;
Corned beef on rye is Jewish
 
White sox are Goyish;
No sox are Jewish
 
Saving Money is Goyish;
Investing money is Jewish
 
Snowmobiling is Goyish;
Skiing is Jewish
 
Doing Landscaping is Goyish;
Hiring a Landscaper is Jewish

Frizzy hair is Jewish;
Stick straight flat hair is Goyish
 
A party that revolves around the buffet table is Jewish;
A party that revolves around the bar is Goyish!
 
Making lists of what's Jewish and what's not ……is VERY Jewish

FROM THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF RETIRED PEOPLE

Q:  Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A:  Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:  What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:  Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:  How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A:  Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:  How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:  Take off your glasses.

Q:  Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:  Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:  Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems withshort term memory storage?
A:  Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:  As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:  Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:  Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:  On their foreheads.

Q:  What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?  
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

Puns FROM michelle kolbe - February 3, 2013

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Velcro - what a rip off!

OLD PEOPLE JOKES

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.  Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.  'Where's my toast?'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What´s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'  'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'  'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'  'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'  'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'  'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'  'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'  'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'  'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.  The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis'.

SAVE THE RABBI

At the regular Saturday morning service, the Rabbi announced that he was
planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. A hush
settled over the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so
popular.

Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If
Rabbi stays, I will provide him a new Cadillac every year and his wife a Honda
minivan to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rabbi will
stay, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee
a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 72, stands and announces with a smile, "If Rabbi stays, I
will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady.
Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 80-year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side. His wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,
'Fuck him!'"

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