SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

December 14th, 1989.

Dearest John -                                                       
                                                                     
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a  
pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn't have been
more surprised.                                                      
                                                                     
With deepest love & affection,                                       
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 15th, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
Dearest John -                                                       
                                                                     
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  I'm just delighted  
at your very thoughtful gift  They are just adorable.  Two turtle    
doves.                                                               
                                                                     
All my love,                                                         
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 16th, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
Dear John -                                                          
                                                                     
Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really must protest.  I  
don't deserve such generosity.  Three French hens.  They are darling
but I must insist you've been too kind.                              
                                                                     
Love,                                                                
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 17th, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
Dear John -                                                          
                                                                     
Today the postman delivered four calling birds.  Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?  You're being too   
romantic.                                                            
                                                                     
Affectionately,                                                      
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 18th, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
Dear John -                                                          
                                                                     
What a surprise!  Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one
for every finger.  You're just impossible but I love it.  Frankly all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.            
                                                                     
All my love,                                                         
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 19th, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
Dear John -                                                          
                                                                     
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my  
front steps.  So you're back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese   
are huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are           
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.  Please stop!      
                                                                     
Cordially,                                                           
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 20th, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
John -                                                               
                                                                     
What's with you and those fucking birds?  Seven swans a-swimming.    
What kind of goddamn joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the   
house and they never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at night   
and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny so stop with the fucking    
birds.                                                               
                                                                     
Sincerely,                                                           
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 21st, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
O.K. Buster -                                                        
                                                                     
I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with     
eight maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and     
eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows.     
There is cow shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own      
house.  Just lay off me, smartass!                                   
                                                                     
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 22nd, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
Hey Shithead -                                                       
                                                                     
What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's nine pipers         
playing, and Christ do they play.  They've never stopped chasing     
those maids since they got here yesterday morning.  The cows are     
getting upset and they're stomping all over those screeching birds.  
What am I going to do?  The neighbors have started a petition to     
evict me.                                                            
                                                                     
You'll get yours,                                                    
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 23rd, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
You rotten prick -                                                   
                                                                     
Now there's ten ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies.  They've been balling those pipers all night long.  Now the  
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river
of shit.  The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to show    
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.                       
                                                                     
I'm sicking the police on you.                                       
                                                                     
One who means it.                                                    
                                                                     
December 24th, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
Listen Fuckhead -                                                    
                                                                     
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies?    
Some of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through
the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23     
birds are dead.  They've been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope
you're satisfied you rotten, vicious swine.                          
                                                                     
Your sworn enemy,                                                    
Agnes                                                                
                                                                     
December 25th, 1989.                                                 
                                                                     
Dear Sir -                                                           
                                                                     
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on my client, Miss Agnes          
McHolstein.  The destruction of course was total.  All future        
correspondence should come to our attention.  If you should attempt  
to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants    
have instructions to shoot you on sight.  With this letter please    
find attached a warrant for your arrest.                             
                                                                     
Cordially,                                                           
                                                                     
Badger, Banter and Cajole                                            
Law Offices                                                          
303 Knave Street                                                     
Chicago, Ill.                                                        

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A JEWISH REDNECK

You think a Hora is a high priced call girl.
You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.
You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
You think "KKK" is a symbol for really kosher.
You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish law.
You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
When someone shouts L'chaim you respond L'howdy.
You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special occasion.

IMMIGRATING TO ISRAEL

A Soviet Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel.

The local commissar calls him in for questioning and asks:

Q. Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in your Synagogue? A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we let you live in peace with your fellow Jews?

A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within and beyond the village?

A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we allowed you to teach your children Torah? A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we let you practice your profession? A. Can't complain.

Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel? He replies, "There, I can complain!"

OH NO! DONT'T TELL HIM!

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

MAN BUYS CONDOMS

Man: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Man: "NAH"... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY.....!!

NAKED MAN

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" she asked. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Thursday, February 16, 2012 9:03 PM

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs  downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel  and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and  leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.   
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'   
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'   
Moral  of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.   

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown  to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After  controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister  but the flesh is weak..'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily  and went on her way..
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to  look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find  glory.'
Moral  of the story
If  you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.   

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the  sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'   
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.   
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'   
Moral  of the story
Always  let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle  was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the  eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the  eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral  of the story
To  be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.   

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that  tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.   
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of  the tree.
Moral  of the story:
Bull Sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson  6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and  dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of  cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the  bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals  of the story:
(1)  Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets  you out of crap is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS  ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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