These four older ladies who lived in Italy always sat outside together near the church and chatted about when they were younger. One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop. Never having been, but having heard all about Florida , They just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL. They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there. They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed. The rest of this story will make you a believer, because ... <\td>

Here they are today! No.......This is TRUE! Really! Would We lie to you? We have a limited supply of this water available at an incredibly low price of just $1,499.95 a bottle. Seriously! HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT! Make checks payable to: "Democrat National Committee" You can trust us; we would NEVER lie to you, especially about your health and well being! <\td>

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

This morning at dawn my telephone rang, “Hello, Senor Donnie. This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house in Veracruz Mexico.’
“Ah yes, Ernesto,’ I answered, “What can I do for you…? Is there a problem…?’
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Donnie, that your parrot, he is dead.’
“My parrot…? Dead…? The one that won the International competition…?’
“Si, Senor Donnie, that's the one.’
“Damn, that's a pity, I replied, “I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from Ernesto…?’
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Donnie.’
“Rotten meat…?’ I continued, “Who the hell fed him rotten meat…?’
“Nobody, Senor Donnie, he ate the meat of the dead horse.’
“Dead horse…? What dead horse…?’ I asked.
"The thoroughbred, Senor Donnie.’
“My prize thoroughbred is dead Ernesto…?’
“Yes, Senor Donnie, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.’
“Have you been drinking Ernesto…? What water cart…?’
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor Donnie.’
“Good Lord Ernesto, what fire are you talking about man…?’
“The one at your house, Senor Donnie…! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.’
“What the hell are you talking about…? Are you telling me that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle…?’
“Yes, Senor Donnie.’
“But there's electricity at my house, what was the candle for Ernesto…?’
“For the funeral, Senor Donnie.’
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL…?’
“Your wife Carlita, Senor Donnie. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.’
There was a very long silence while I contemplated this series of events and the seriousness of the possible damage before I replied…

“Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit!

SAY WHAT?

Q: What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A: A pilot, you racist!

TRUST IN GOD

A man is riding his motorcycle down a mountain road. Suddenly he loses control and goes hurtling off the cliff. As he's sailing through the air, he shouts out:
"God! Please make a miracle! Save me!"
Moments later his shirt gets caught on a protruding branch – leaving him dangling thousands of feet above the ground.
There's no way out, so he looks heavenward and shouts: "God! Please save me!"
"Do you trust Me, My beloved son?" calls the voice from heaven.
"Yes, God, I trust you. Just please save me!"
"Okay then," says God. "Let go of the branch and I'll catch you."
The man thinks for a moment, look around, and calls out: "Is anyone else out there?!"

Won't EAT MY KISHKA?

A young gay man finally comes out to his mother.
“You mean you take another man’s private parts in your mouth?’
Yes, her son admitted.
“You take another man’s private parts in your mouth and you won’t try my kishka?”

Now that’s a Jewish joke.

ANTS

On Tuessday, June 29, 2014 at 12:47 AM, Dr Barry sent the following:

My buddy from Atlanta Georiga swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint, any brand will do!
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
Spray 1/3 to 1/2 can on each mound and surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the Ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

On Tuessday, April 1, 2014 at 10:22 AM, Dr Barry sent the following:

NEEDS

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home.
Joey says, "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful." Jenny says, "A new lawn mower."
The teacher again replies, "That would also be very useful."
Little Johnny pops up and says,
"At my house we don't need anything!" The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I clearly remember my dad saying;
well, that's the last fucking thing we needed!’

On Tuessday, April 4, 2014 at 5:47 PM, Dr Barry sent the following:

THE 1960'S HITS RENAMED

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits  with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
 
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
 
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
 
The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
 
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
 
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now
 
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
 
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
 
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair
 
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
 
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
 
Abba---
Denture Queen
 
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
 
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore
 
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
 
And Last, but NOT least:
 
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

On Thursday, May 15, 2014 at 12:20 PM, My son-in-law, Jay Bittman sent the following:

HE NEEDS TO HELP CLEAN HOUSE

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

On June 16, 2014 at 2:26 AM,  Akiva Bossewitch sent the following:

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

10. ??????????

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

DON'T ARGUE WITH KIDS

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal it's throat was was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "when I get to heaven, I will ask Johan."
The teacher then asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

On Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 11:52 AM, Rob Hood sent the following:

SALESMANSHIP

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

Jackie Martling  June 23, 2014 at 6:06 PM
To kingsolnew@yahoo.com
Here you are, on   The JokeLand E-Mail List
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On The Glorious North Shore of Long Island
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An optometrist operates on a hippie painter's girlfriend saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he gets stoned out of his mind, goes to the doctor's house one day while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He's just finishing up when the doctor walks in.
He says to the doctor, "Well, do you like it, man?"
The doctor says, "Yeah ... but I'll tell you, I'm glad I'm not a gynecologist."

It's late one night and a college couple's under a tree making out.
She says, "Michael, I wish you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

A college professor says to her creative writing class, "Your assignment is to write the shortest story you can that includes religion, sexuality and mystery."
Only one girl got an A on her paper.
She wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant ... I wonder who did it?"
[The original joke included royalty and ends like this:
Holy Moses Princess, are you pregnant again?  I wonder who done it!]

What has two arms, two legs, two boobs & sucks?
A wife and a vacuum cleaner.

Late one night, a traveling saleswoman's car breaks down in front of a farmhouse so she knocks on the door.
When the farmer opens it and she says, "My car broke down. May I spend the night?"
He says, "Sure thing, ma'am, but you'll need to share a room with Luke & Jake, my twin teenage boys."
As they're getting ready for bed, and the boys are taking off their pants, she says, "Have you guys ever had sex?"
They both say, "No, ma'am," and in a heartbeat they've both got monstrous hard-ons.
She smiles, and then unwraps two rubbers and says, "Okay, we're gonna have some fun. But first you have to put these on your penises."
Luke says, "What're them for?"
She says, "To prevent pregnancy and disease."
They put them on, and then she proceeds to fuck the daylights out of one then the other then the other, all night long. The next morning when they wake up, she's gone.
A few days later, Luke walks up on the porch and says, "Jake, you feel pregnant?"
Jake says, "No."
"You got any diseases?"
"I don't reckon I do."
"Me, neither. I say let's take these things off, If I don't piss I'm gonna bust."

What happened to the absent-minded Greek on his honeymoon?
He got his wife pregnant.

Schneider sits on a park bench next to an old guy.
The old guy says, "I'm so thois-tee. I'm sooo thois-tee. My God, I'm thois-tee. So, so thois-tee. I'm soo thois-tee ..."
Finally Schneider can't take it any more. He goes to a street vendor, buys a bottle of water, takes off the cap, comes back and hands it to the old guy. The old guy takes a big swig.
Then the old guy says, "I was so thois-tee. I was sooo thois-tee. My God, I was thois-tee. So, so thois-tee. I was soo thois-tee ..."

Lipschitz says to his new psychiatrist, "I had a really weird dream last night. I was with my mother, but when she turned around, she had your face. It was very disturbing. In fact, it woke me up and I never got back to sleep. I just lay there waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here. Can you explain my dream?"
The psychiatrist says, "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

Letson's having trouble with his hearing, so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor examines him and then says, "Yep, I'm afraid your hearing is starting to go, Mr. Letson. You'll have to stop drinking, smoking anything at all, no more blow jobs and no more staying up late."
Letson says, "Just to hear a little better?"

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A kid says, "Pop, how do spell clitoris ... with a 'c' or with a 'k?' "
His father says, "Damn, I don't know. You should have asked me last night when I had it on the tip of my tongue."

What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

A lady goes for her first golf lesson.
The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ."
The lady takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."

An old guy orders a hamburger, French fries and a drink. He sits down, unwraps the burger, cuts it in half and then puts one half in front of his wife. He counts the French fries and then puts half of them in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then she sets it down between them.
The people all around them are all thinking, "That poor old couple ... all they can afford is one meal."
As the old guy starts to eat his fries, a young guy comes over to their table and says, "I'd be glad to buy you folks another meal."
The old guy says, "W-we're just fine. W-we're used to sharing everything."
The people closest to them see that the little old lady hasn't eaten one bite. She just sits there watching her husband eat and takes turns sipping the drink.
The young guy comes back and says, "Are you sure I can't buy you folks another meal?"
This time the woman says, "No, thanks, we're very used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finishes and is wiping his face with a napkin, the young guy comes over and says to the little old lady who still hasn't eaten a bite of food, "What are you waiting for?"
She says, "The teeth."

What's the difference between an Iranian girl and a werewolf?
The werewolf's only covered in hair when there's a full moon.

Hypothetical questions for The Married Man:
A guy has to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis after his mistress finds the ring in his trousers pocket
and gets so mad she puts it on his dick while he's asleep.
What's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your cock
3) Finding out your pecker fits through your wedding ring.

A hockey player pulls into his driveway.
His neighbor comes over and says to him, "You know, you really should close your curtains the next time you decide you're going to fuck your wife on the coffee table in your living room. Yesterday a few guys on the street started watching, and it wound up being a good-sized crowd."
The hockey player says, "Well, the joke's on them, because I wasn't even home yesterday."

Schneider's standing at a bar in Dallas when big fat ugly old broad comes up behind him, swats! him on the ass, and says, "Hey, sexy, howsabout giving me your number?"
He says, "Have you got a pen?"
She says, "Of course I do."
He says, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing."

From my pal Sy Smatters:
I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice yesterday. At least I assume she was poor. She only had a dollar-twenty in her purse.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she told me I had the biggest cock she's ever laid her hands on.
I said, "You're pulling my leg."
I was explaining to my wife this morning that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
So, I went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger in my ass. Do you think I should change dentists?

Sabean's on the road and doesn't realize he's gone into a bar full of transvestites. He starts talking to a good-looking ... ahem ... woman ... and they really hit it off. They have a few drinks and then they leave the bar and climb into the back seat of his car.
After a few minutes, he says, "Are you pregnant?"
She says, "Umm ... um, yes. Yes, I am."
Sabean says, "I thought so. The kid's arm is hanging out."

A saxophone player picks up a girl after his show and they go back to her apartment. When they take off their clothes, she looks between his legs, and he's got a one-inch pecker.
She says, "Who the hell do you think you're gonna satisfy with that?"
He says, "Me."

A guy goes into a sperm bank with a bag over his head, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a regular bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "I know what it is. Open that refrigerator."
She opens the refrigerator, and he says, "Now take out one of those bottles."
She takes out one of the bottles, and he says, "Take off the cap."
She takes off the cap and he says, "Now drink it."
She drinks it down, then he takes the bag off of his head, and it's her husband.
He says, "You see? It's not so bad, is it?"

What's four feet long and six feet deep?
Gary Coleman.

The teacher says, "All right, class, today I'd like you to name things that eat things that are big words ending in t-o-r."
Sally says, "Alligator."
The teacher says, "A big word that ends in t-o-r ... and an alligator certainly eats things. Very good, Sally."
Charlie says, "Predator."
The teacher says, "Another big word ending in t-o-r that eats things. Excellent, Charles."
Dirty Johnny says, "Vibrator."
The teacher says, "That's a big word, John, and it ends in t-o-r ... but it doesn't eat anything."
Johnny says, "Does too. My sister has a vibrator and she says it eats batteries like a bastard."

Gomer lives on a farm, and he knows nothing about women or sex, so for his twenty-first birthday, his pa gives him fifty bucks and tells him to go to town and buy himself a hooker. Gomer goes to town, meets a hooker in front of a bar, offers her the fifty, and they go back to her place. When they get there, she tells him he'll have to settle for a blow job because she's having her period.
He says, "What's a period?"
She says, "I'll show you."
She lifts up her dress, and pulls out her tampon.
She says, "See? I'm bleeding."
He says, "Well, it's no wonder yer bleedin'. Somebody done cut your pecker off."

What's a dyslexic-bulemic?
A girl who eats and then sticks her finger up her ass.

Schneider gets on an elevator with a big fat woman.
He says, "Can I smell your snatch?"
She says, "No."
He says, "Then it must be your feet."

The Baby Bear says, "Somebody's been eating my porridge."
The Papa Bear says, "Somebody's been eating my porridge."
The Mama Bear says, "Will you two assholes shut up? I haven't even made the fucking porridge yet."

Schmedley walks into a bar and has seven beers. Then he looks around until he finds the prettiest girl in the bar.
He walks up to her and says, "Do you want to fuck?"
She screams, "You pig," smashes! him over the head with her purse, and knocks him across the bar with a bar stool.
He picks himself up, walks to the bar, and has seven more beers.
Then he walks up to her again, and says, "I guess a blow job's out of the question?"

A Greek and an Italian are discussing who has the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We built the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We built the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian says, "But we built the Roman Empire.
This goes on and on until finally the Greek says, "We invented sex."
The Italian thinks a second, and then he says, "That's true. But it was us who decided to include the women."

A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of the twelve.
She says, "What happened to the other condoms?"
He says, "I ... uhh ... I made balloon animals out of them for my niece and nephew."
That night she's out to dinner with a guy friend and tells him what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"
He says, "Of course. All the time."
She says, "Really? You make balloon animals out of condoms?"
He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."

It's very late and Mrs. Lombardi walks in a half-day early from being out of town. She runs right up the stairs and opens the door to her bedroom.
Sticking out from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She freaks out, reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. When she finally can't hold the bat any more, she throws it to the floor and goes down to the kitchen to have a drink.
When she walks in, there's her husband at the table, reading a magazine.
He says, "Wow, you're home early, huh? Your parents came for a surprise visit, so I let them have our bed."

A hockey player and his wife are standing in front of The Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier.
He says to his wife, "Gee, his family must be proud."

A couple goes camping and the wife says, "I gotta take a whiz."
Her husband says, "Go do it off the river bank."
The wife goes to the edge of the river bank, pulls down her pants, and hangs her ass over.
She says, "Harry, come here?"
He comes over and she says, "Harry, should I pee into that canoe down there?
Her husband looks down and says, "That's not a canoe. That's your reflection."

Where do midgets go after grade school?
Not So High.

A lawyer says to his partner, "Are you fucking the new secretary?"
The other lawyer says, "No."
He says, "Then you fire her."

WHAT PART INCREASES?

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."