SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
DR BARRY'S NEW JOKES - May 24, 2013

THE SAME THING

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
that's the same as putting it in!'

LEMON SQUEEZE

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional,
she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls.
We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
 Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise that you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately,
I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

MARRIAGE HUMOR

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

STRESS RELIEVER

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

DAD'S REQUEST

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A MAN'S OPINION

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

HUSBANDS ARE HUSBANDS

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.´
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,
knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

THE RABBI AND THE IRS AUDITOR

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
 
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.?So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzoballs."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ... And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

SEPARATING DOGS

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while they were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian.

Although it wasn't late, he answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

On Thursday, January 2, 2014 10:06 AM, Rip van Schnizelrooy [hiero.maing@gmail.com] sent the following:

CHANUKAH STAMPS

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey ... my God, has it come to this?   Okay, give me six orthodox, twelve conservative and thirty-two reform!"

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.   He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

MOISHE

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

IT HAPPENED IN SHUL

A Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I'd like to give you an aliyah. What is your name?"
The man answers,
"Esther bat Moshe."
The Rabbi says, "No, I need YOUR name."
"It's Esther bat Moshe," the man says.
"How can that be your name?" asks the Rabbi.
The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so now, everything is in my wife's name."

THE JEWISH SAMURAI

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.  After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the   Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and  released a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!  "What a feat!" said the Emperor.

"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.  He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai! "Dead is easy. Circumcision! THAT takes skill!"

THE HYPNOTIST

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

TAKING OVER AFTER HIS DEATH

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed and he knows the end is near. With his last breath he speaks to his 3 sons.

"Bernie, I want you to take over the apartment buildings."

"Moishe, take over the office buildings."

"Hymie, I want you to take over the store fronts."

Moishe said, "Mom, I know you and dad were frugal. Where did dad
get the money to buy all that property?"

The mother answered, "Property?  The schmuck had a paper route!"

BUSTED

I was recently beat up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her breasts when she said, "Would you please press one."

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.

RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high And you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

IRISH ALZHEIMER'S

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life_.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal

McGlynn's hat."
 
THE PRIEST SAID, "WELL, MURPHY , I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL MCGLYNN 'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"_

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all."_

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;" After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"_

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat."

BILL AND THE HOOKER

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for five bucks!?"

On Wednesday, March 6, 2014 8:42 AM, Michelle Kolbe sent the following:

FW: BEST MENOPAUSE QUESTION EVER
BEST MENOPAUSE QUESTION EVER
Question?
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer!
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a god damn light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the friggin' light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 years!!!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the frikkin light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THAT THE FUCKIN' LIGHT BULBS CAME IN BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP ORCARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCKIN' HOUSE!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO THE FUCK CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !

I'm sorry. What was the question?

BIBLICALLY CORRECT

For those who haven't heard, Colorado just passed both laws: gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because -
Leviticus 20:13 reads: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

VY NODT?

It was a hot day in Wisconsin . Helga hung the wash out to dry and then went into town to pick up her dry cleaning.

"Gootness, its hotter den hell today ", she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .

She passed a tavern and thought to herself, "Vy nodt." She walked in, and quietly took a seat at the end of the bar.

The bartender walked up to her and said; "and what would you like to drink today". "Vell Ya know" Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into da bars, but today I vill make an exception. It iss zo hot, I tink I vill have myself a beer.

The bartender smiled at Helga and asked;" Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and said; "Vell, it's fine tanks, und how's yur viener"?

On Thursday, March 21, 2014 at 6:40 PM, Dr. Barry sent the following 4 jokes:

THREE DOGS AT THE VET

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.
 
The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"
 
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I  pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
 
The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "
 
" Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
 
"And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black Lab.

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."  

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
 
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
 
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I see.  

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
 
The Great Dane said, "No, I'm just here to get my nails clipped! "
 

DEAF  BOOKKEEPER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

ON FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.

ON FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over. And two claimed that he was still there!

FOUR OLD ITALIAN LADIES

These four older ladies who lived in Italy always sat outside together near the church and chatted about
when they were younger. One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop.

Never having been, but having heard all about Florida , They just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.
They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there. They collected
up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed.
The rest of this story will make you a believer,
because ... <\td>

Here they are today!

No.......This is TRUE! Really!
Would We lie to you?
We have a limited supply of this water available at an incredibly low price of just $1,499.95 a bottle.
Seriously! HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!
Make checks payable to:
"Democrat National Committee"
You can trust us; we would NEVER lie to you, especially about your health and well being!

















<\td>

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

This morning at dawn my telephone rang, “Hello, Senor Donnie. This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house in Veracruz Mexico.’
“Ah yes, Ernesto,’ I answered, “What can I do for you…? Is there a problem…?’
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Donnie, that your parrot, he is dead.’
“My parrot…? Dead…? The one that won the International competition…?’
“Si, Senor Donnie, that's the one.’
“Damn, that's a pity, I replied, “I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from Ernesto…?’
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Donnie.’
“Rotten meat…?’ I continued, “Who the hell fed him rotten meat…?’
“Nobody, Senor Donnie, he ate the meat of the dead horse.’
“Dead horse…? What dead horse…?’ I asked.
"The thoroughbred, Senor Donnie.’
“My prize thoroughbred is dead Ernesto…?’
“Yes, Senor Donnie, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.’
“Have you been drinking Ernesto…? What water cart…?’
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor Donnie.’
“Good Lord Ernesto, what fire are you talking about man…?’
“The one at your house, Senor Donnie…! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.’
“What the hell are you talking about…? Are you telling me that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle…?’
“Yes, Senor Donnie.’
“But there's electricity at my house, what was the candle for Ernesto…?’
“For the funeral, Senor Donnie.’
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL…?’
“Your wife Carlita, Senor Donnie. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.’
There was a very long silence while I contemplated this series of events and the seriousness of the possible damage before I replied…

“Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit!

SAY WHAT?

Q: What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A: A pilot, you racist!

TRUST IN GOD

A man is riding his motorcycle down a mountain road. Suddenly he loses control and goes hurtling off the cliff. As he's sailing through the air, he shouts out:
"God! Please make a miracle! Save me!"
Moments later his shirt gets caught on a protruding branch – leaving him dangling thousands of feet above the ground.
There's no way out, so he looks heavenward and shouts: "God! Please save me!"
"Do you trust Me, My beloved son?" calls the voice from heaven.
"Yes, God, I trust you. Just please save me!"
"Okay then," says God. "Let go of the branch and I'll catch you."
The man thinks for a moment, look around, and calls out: "Is anyone else out there?!"

Won't EAT MY KISHKA?

A young gay man finally comes out to his mother.
“You mean you take another man’s private parts in your mouth?’
Yes, her son admitted.
“You take another man’s private parts in your mouth and you won’t try my kishka?”

Now that’s a Jewish joke.

ANTS

On Tuessday, June 29, 2014 at 12:47 AM, Dr Barry sent the following:

My buddy from Atlanta Georiga swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint, any brand will do!
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
Spray 1/3 to 1/2 can on each mound and surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the Ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

On Tuessday, April 1, 2014 at 10:22 AM, Dr Barry sent the following:

NEEDS

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home.
Joey says, "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful." Jenny says, "A new lawn mower."
The teacher again replies, "That would also be very useful."
Little Johnny pops up and says,
"At my house we don't need anything!" The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I clearly remember my dad saying;
well, that's the last fucking thing we needed!’

On Tuessday, April 4, 2014 at 5:47 PM, Dr Barry sent the following:

THE 1960'S HITS RENAMED

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits  with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
 
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
 
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
 
The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
 
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
 
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now
 
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
 
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
 
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair
 
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
 
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
 
Abba---
Denture Queen
 
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
 
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore
 
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
 
And Last, but NOT least:
 
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

On Thursday, May 15, 2014 at 12:20 PM, My son-in-law, Jay Bittman sent the following:

HE NEEDS TO HELP CLEAN HOUSE

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

On June 16, 2014 at 2:26 AM,  Akiva Bossewitch sent the following:

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

10. ??????????

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

DON'T ARGUE WITH KIDS

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal it's throat was was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "when I get to heaven, I will ask Johan."
The teacher then asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

On Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 11:52 AM, Rob Hood sent the following:

SALESMANSHIP

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

Jackie Martling  June 23, 2014 at 6:06 PM
To kingsolnew@yahoo.com
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An optometrist operates on a hippie painter's girlfriend saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he gets stoned out of his mind, goes to the doctor's house one day while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He's just finishing up when the doctor walks in.
He says to the doctor, "Well, do you like it, man?"
The doctor says, "Yeah ... but I'll tell you, I'm glad I'm not a gynecologist."

It's late one night and a college couple's under a tree making out.
She says, "Michael, I wish you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

A college professor says to her creative writing class, "Your assignment is to write the shortest story you can that includes religion, sexuality and mystery."
Only one girl got an A on her paper.
She wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant ... I wonder who did it?"
[The original joke included royalty and ends like this:
Holy Moses Princess, are you pregnant again?  I wonder who done it!]

What has two arms, two legs, two boobs & sucks?
A wife and a vacuum cleaner.

Late one night, a traveling saleswoman's car breaks down in front of a farmhouse so she knocks on the door.
When the farmer opens it and she says, "My car broke down. May I spend the night?"
He says, "Sure thing, ma'am, but you'll need to share a room with Luke & Jake, my twin teenage boys."
As they're getting ready for bed, and the boys are taking off their pants, she says, "Have you guys ever had sex?"
They both say, "No, ma'am," and in a heartbeat they've both got monstrous hard-ons.
She smiles, and then unwraps two rubbers and says, "Okay, we're gonna have some fun. But first you have to put these on your penises."
Luke says, "What're them for?"
She says, "To prevent pregnancy and disease."
They put them on, and then she proceeds to fuck the daylights out of one then the other then the other, all night long. The next morning when they wake up, she's gone.
A few days later, Luke walks up on the porch and says, "Jake, you feel pregnant?"
Jake says, "No."
"You got any diseases?"
"I don't reckon I do."
"Me, neither. I say let's take these things off, If I don't piss I'm gonna bust."

What happened to the absent-minded Greek on his honeymoon?
He got his wife pregnant.

Schneider sits on a park bench next to an old guy.
The old guy says, "I'm so thois-tee. I'm sooo thois-tee. My God, I'm thois-tee. So, so thois-tee. I'm soo thois-tee ..."
Finally Schneider can't take it any more. He goes to a street vendor, buys a bottle of water, takes off the cap, comes back and hands it to the old guy. The old guy takes a big swig.
Then the old guy says, "I was so thois-tee. I was sooo thois-tee. My God, I was thois-tee. So, so thois-tee. I was soo thois-tee ..."

Lipschitz says to his new psychiatrist, "I had a really weird dream last night. I was with my mother, but when she turned around, she had your face. It was very disturbing. In fact, it woke me up and I never got back to sleep. I just lay there waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here. Can you explain my dream?"
The psychiatrist says, "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

Letson's having trouble with his hearing, so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor examines him and then says, "Yep, I'm afraid your hearing is starting to go, Mr. Letson. You'll have to stop drinking, smoking anything at all, no more blow jobs and no more staying up late."
Letson says, "Just to hear a little better?"

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A kid says, "Pop, how do spell clitoris ... with a 'c' or with a 'k?' "
His father says, "Damn, I don't know. You should have asked me last night when I had it on the tip of my tongue."

What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

A lady goes for her first golf lesson.
The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ."
The lady takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."

An old guy orders a hamburger, French fries and a drink. He sits down, unwraps the burger, cuts it in half and then puts one half in front of his wife. He counts the French fries and then puts half of them in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then she sets it down between them.
The people all around them are all thinking, "That poor old couple ... all they can afford is one meal."
As the old guy starts to eat his fries, a young guy comes over to their table and says, "I'd be glad to buy you folks another meal."
The old guy says, "W-we're just fine. W-we're used to sharing everything."
The people closest to them see that the little old lady hasn't eaten one bite. She just sits there watching her husband eat and takes turns sipping the drink.
The young guy comes back and says, "Are you sure I can't buy you folks another meal?"
This time the woman says, "No, thanks, we're very used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finishes and is wiping his face with a napkin, the young guy comes over and says to the little old lady who still hasn't eaten a bite of food, "What are you waiting for?"
She says, "The teeth."

What's the difference between an Iranian girl and a werewolf?
The werewolf's only covered in hair when there's a full moon.

Hypothetical questions for The Married Man:
A guy has to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis after his mistress finds the ring in his trousers pocket
and gets so mad she puts it on his dick while he's asleep.
What's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your cock
3) Finding out your pecker fits through your wedding ring.

A hockey player pulls into his driveway.
His neighbor comes over and says to him, "You know, you really should close your curtains the next time you decide you're going to fuck your wife on the coffee table in your living room. Yesterday a few guys on the street started watching, and it wound up being a good-sized crowd."
The hockey player says, "Well, the joke's on them, because I wasn't even home yesterday."

Schneider's standing at a bar in Dallas when big fat ugly old broad comes up behind him, swats! him on the ass, and says, "Hey, sexy, howsabout giving me your number?"
He says, "Have you got a pen?"
She says, "Of course I do."
He says, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing."

From my pal Sy Smatters:
I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice yesterday. At least I assume she was poor. She only had a dollar-twenty in her purse.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she told me I had the biggest cock she's ever laid her hands on.
I said, "You're pulling my leg."
I was explaining to my wife this morning that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
So, I went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger in my ass. Do you think I should change dentists?

Sabean's on the road and doesn't realize he's gone into a bar full of transvestites. He starts talking to a good-looking ... ahem ... woman ... and they really hit it off. They have a few drinks and then they leave the bar and climb into the back seat of his car.
After a few minutes, he says, "Are you pregnant?"
She says, "Umm ... um, yes. Yes, I am."
Sabean says, "I thought so. The kid's arm is hanging out."

A saxophone player picks up a girl after his show and they go back to her apartment. When they take off their clothes, she looks between his legs, and he's got a one-inch pecker.
She says, "Who the hell do you think you're gonna satisfy with that?"
He says, "Me."

A guy goes into a sperm bank with a bag over his head, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a regular bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "I know what it is. Open that refrigerator."
She opens the refrigerator, and he says, "Now take out one of those bottles."
She takes out one of the bottles, and he says, "Take off the cap."
She takes off the cap and he says, "Now drink it."
She drinks it down, then he takes the bag off of his head, and it's her husband.
He says, "You see? It's not so bad, is it?"

What's four feet long and six feet deep?
Gary Coleman.

The teacher says, "All right, class, today I'd like you to name things that eat things that are big words ending in t-o-r."
Sally says, "Alligator."
The teacher says, "A big word that ends in t-o-r ... and an alligator certainly eats things. Very good, Sally."
Charlie says, "Predator."
The teacher says, "Another big word ending in t-o-r that eats things. Excellent, Charles."
Dirty Johnny says, "Vibrator."
The teacher says, "That's a big word, John, and it ends in t-o-r ... but it doesn't eat anything."
Johnny says, "Does too. My sister has a vibrator and she says it eats batteries like a bastard."

Gomer lives on a farm, and he knows nothing about women or sex, so for his twenty-first birthday, his pa gives him fifty bucks and tells him to go to town and buy himself a hooker. Gomer goes to town, meets a hooker in front of a bar, offers her the fifty, and they go back to her place. When they get there, she tells him he'll have to settle for a blow job because she's having her period.
He says, "What's a period?"
She says, "I'll show you."
She lifts up her dress, and pulls out her tampon.
She says, "See? I'm bleeding."
He says, "Well, it's no wonder yer bleedin'. Somebody done cut your pecker off."

What's a dyslexic-bulemic?
A girl who eats and then sticks her finger up her ass.

Schneider gets on an elevator with a big fat woman.
He says, "Can I smell your snatch?"
She says, "No."
He says, "Then it must be your feet."

The Baby Bear says, "Somebody's been eating my porridge."
The Papa Bear says, "Somebody's been eating my porridge."
The Mama Bear says, "Will you two assholes shut up? I haven't even made the fucking porridge yet."

Schmedley walks into a bar and has seven beers. Then he looks around until he finds the prettiest girl in the bar.
He walks up to her and says, "Do you want to fuck?"
She screams, "You pig," smashes! him over the head with her purse, and knocks him across the bar with a bar stool.
He picks himself up, walks to the bar, and has seven more beers.
Then he walks up to her again, and says, "I guess a blow job's out of the question?"

A Greek and an Italian are discussing who has the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We built the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We built the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian says, "But we built the Roman Empire.
This goes on and on until finally the Greek says, "We invented sex."
The Italian thinks a second, and then he says, "That's true. But it was us who decided to include the women."

A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of the twelve.
She says, "What happened to the other condoms?"
He says, "I ... uhh ... I made balloon animals out of them for my niece and nephew."
That night she's out to dinner with a guy friend and tells him what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"
He says, "Of course. All the time."
She says, "Really? You make balloon animals out of condoms?"
He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."

It's very late and Mrs. Lombardi walks in a half-day early from being out of town. She runs right up the stairs and opens the door to her bedroom.
Sticking out from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She freaks out, reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. When she finally can't hold the bat any more, she throws it to the floor and goes down to the kitchen to have a drink.
When she walks in, there's her husband at the table, reading a magazine.
He says, "Wow, you're home early, huh? Your parents came for a surprise visit, so I let them have our bed."

A hockey player and his wife are standing in front of The Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier.
He says to his wife, "Gee, his family must be proud."

A couple goes camping and the wife says, "I gotta take a whiz."
Her husband says, "Go do it off the river bank."
The wife goes to the edge of the river bank, pulls down her pants, and hangs her ass over.
She says, "Harry, come here?"
He comes over and she says, "Harry, should I pee into that canoe down there?
Her husband looks down and says, "That's not a canoe. That's your reflection."

Where do midgets go after grade school?
Not So High.

A lawyer says to his partner, "Are you fucking the new secretary?"
The other lawyer says, "No."
He says, "Then you fire her."

WHAT PART INCREASES?

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

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